Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:21pm
In our state, a child cannot be left alone before age 12 and cannot be left caring for younger siblings until age 13. The law is on my side.

I agree on differences in maturity but I'd say most 9 yo's are not mature enough to be left alone and most 12 yo's are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:22pm
Where are you getting this information? How on earth is a divorce going to give you legal power to dictate to him if he smokes around the kids? Have you even discussed this with an attorney? If you havent, you need to. If you have, you might want to get a second opinion on that. Your lack of knowledge about custody and the legal system is really kind of scary.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:25pm
I'm sorry but I don't see where I contributed to the failure. I contributed to it lasting as long as it did. I don't think I've been unreasonable in my requests. I, certainly, haven't shown him the disrespect he's shown me. I don't belittle everything he does, find fault in all he does, defy his requests, etc, etc, etc.... That would be his department. You haven't lived here, how can say it's my fault? I've been working in vain to keep it together for years. The only thing I'm guilty of is not giving up when I should have and I should have given up long ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:27pm
Again, I dont think you are going to have much luck getting a judge to agree to a *no smoking* rule period. Why do you think a judge would agree to this kind of rule? I really think you need to research this further-there is no way you are going to get any kind of agreement that allows you to dictate what he does or does not do with/to the children when they are in his care. The court is pretty careful about not allowing divorcing parents to do this, because it is a violation of rights.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:40pm
I didn't know that. I thought she was always against divorce when there were kids.

I believe dh is addicted to alcohol and cigarettes and both to the point it clouds his vision. Asking him to wait 20 minutes to have a cigarette (say when we're driving somewhere) is just too much for him to bear. I think he has some kind of addictive personality disorder. He does whatever he does to excess and it's like he can't stop himself.

He also seems to think that someone owes him because he doesn't have the life he wants. His mom told me he was like this as a kid too and that she's always worried about him because of it. Nothing ever lives up to his expectations and anything that doesn't makes him miserable. He expects others to make his life what he wants it to be. Hence his over reliance on my career. My going back to school for a teaching cert was met with far less than an enthusiastic response. Fortunately, my MIL has the utmost respect for teachers and boxed his ears otherwise we'd still be fighting.

He has this crazy idea that because I'm a female engineer none of the rules apply to me. I won't be downsized out and if I am, I'll have a job paying twice as much in 6 weeks time. One reason I want to make this career change is engineering is just to unstable as we get older. Companies start downsizing us out about the time we turn 50. I don't want to be 50 something, downsized out with my family dependent on my income and forced to try and start over. I'd rather move on to something more stable.

Honestly, I understand why companies downsize us out. By 40 we're slowing down but we have a knowledge base that makes us valuable but by 50, that isn't enough. You only need to keep about 1 in 5 engineers to keep your knowledge base and 2 20 somethings will work as hard as 3 50 somethings for about half the money. I can't say as I can blame companies for trying to get us to retire early and downsizing us out when we don't. So, I started thinking about what I wanted to do for my second career and decided I have a lot to offer in the teaching dept. Teaching was actually my first major but the field was so glutted at the time, I decided against it and went to engineering school. Given that we are not graduating U.S. born engineers in the numbers we need, I'm hoping it's a good fit. I know what it takes to become an engineer. Hopefully, I'll be able to help my students move that direction.

Anyway, a little off subject there but dh isn't happy that he won't be retiring on an engineers salary. He wants this life the way he wants it but wants someone else to make it happen. He married the right person, lol. I believe in making things happen myself, unfortunately, for him, I make them happen my way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:46pm
Yeah, right. Try again sweetie. I've agreed to lots of things. I just stick to what I agree to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:47pm
You are being hypersensitive, because I DIDNT say it was your fault. I said that the end of a marriage is never just ONE persons fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage, and 2 to end it the majority of the time. Until you can look inside yourself (and no, I dont live there so I have no idea what you did or did not do) and take responsibility for your own part in this, you wont be able to move on.

Again, counseling. I highly recommend it. If you wont do it for yourself, do it for your daughters.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:49pm
Those are probably recommendations set by cps, because only 2 states have actual laws regarding children being left alone. Which means that while you could call cps on him for leaving the girls alone, there would have to be proof that they were being neglected by this or in danger. If he could prove that they were not in any danger, there wouldnt be a whole lot you could do.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 5:05pm
Yes I will. There's already precidence here to impose no smoking around kids. Not too long ago, a mom lost all visitation rights because she smoked around the kids. A lot depends on where you are and here, they will impose a no smoking rule because smoking around kids is all but considered child abuse. I can't quite have dh charged with abuse but I think the day will come when you can here and it should be. No parent should subject their kids to second hand smoke given what we know today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 5:07pm
So what part is my fault? Asking him not to smoke around the kids? Expecting him to do his share? What part did I contribute to? Sorry, but I don't see where I contributed to the failure of this marriage. I did contribute to it getting as bad as it has because I stuck around too long trying to work things that never should have been worked out out.

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