want to be wohm but can't or won't

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
want to be wohm but can't or won't
17
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:12pm
My son started kindergarten this week, he is six. I have four classes left to earn my degree, I want to be a social worker. My husband is a new lawyer, he is extremely busy. My problem is that I believe that women should be able to have careers and work, I have strong career aspirations myself. However, I can't seem to leave my son in daycare. I can't finish school without having him in after care, my husband can't help because he is working 12 hour days. Even when I graduate I still don't want my son to have to go to after school care which rules out any normal job I may want.
I want to work but I don't want my son in day care. I understand the need and reality of daycare and that it can be a really positive thing. Yet, I am still stuck. Any one else having this dillema?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:18pm
What are your reasons for not wanting your child in aftercare?


Edited 9/7/2007 9:18 pm ET by janetlynn_64
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:26pm
Why don't you want him in after-care? My daughter loves after-care. They have a snack, do their homework, do crafts, play outside or in the gym or cafeteria. They do board games and a bunch of other things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:35pm
I think part of the reason is my son doesn't want to go. He doesn't even want to go to school. He likes to be at home and kind of bum around. He has always been very laid back and easy but he doesn't like things to be structured. I suppose I feel bad for sending him to a place he doesn't like for 6 and a half hours for Kindergarten. However, I want him to be a well rounded individual and that involves leaving his comfort zone. But I still feel bad. I suppose it is mommy guilt, but I can't shake it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:45pm
Kids need structure and routines. I think once you put him in school and after-care, he will begin to like it. Maybe not in the beginning, and it might be hard work but that is our jobs as parents to raise our children to be citizens in society. They have to learn that there are things they don't want to do, but are just going to have to.
Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 9:46pm
Can you hire a sitter for after school? That way he can bum around at home after school.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:03pm
Your reply is exactly what I keep telling myself and I do agree with it. But when it comes time to actually put him after care I am conflicted. I want to graduate and have a job but I also want to be there after school. I know it doesn't make sense and I know I am contadicting what I believe in but, (not a shocker) I want it all. I want to be a great stay at home mom (even though I was never that great at it when I was at home all day) and I want to have a job that is meaningful and important. People keep writing that they are tired of the mommy wars between stay at home and working moms but the conflict is still raging in my house and in my head, and I am guessing in a lot of other homes. I don't want to come down on either side as right or wrong- I truly believe it isn't that simple. I just want to feel okay with my decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:19pm

First, I get that you don't want your son in afterschool care. What you don't say is why you feel that way. But to answer your question, no I didn't/don't feel that way. Our son, Dylan (9, in 4th grade) has been in daycare and now afterschool care since he was 6 months old. I went back to work when he was 9 weeks old. Dh and Dylan's sisters (at that time, they were 20, 17, and 13) watched him during the day; dh worked nights. Dylan thrived in dc and in afterschool care. He loves it there and loves playing with the friends that he as made there. Because Dylan is so much younger than his sisters he is like an only child. He is a very social boy and there aren't many kids his age in our neighborhood. So daycare and now afterschool care functions as his neighborhood.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:26am

I had a friend who suffered moderate to severe post-partum depression after the birth of her dd who was born two days after my middle ds was born, and I had a post-partum pscyhosis. We belonged to the same "Mommy" support group, some WOHMs and some SAHMs. She was adamant that mothers should start to wean themselves away from their babies from day one in the hospital by not having the baby in their room all the time. I was adamant that mothers should not leave their babies unless they *had* to. We learned a lot from one another in our opposing styles.

We both learned where that middle ground was, for one thing. We learned that what is right for some, isn't right for all. I was still very young. She had been career oriented until she became a SAHM by her and her dh's choice.

I learned that some mothers have a need to have time away from their children at a young age and others don't as much. It has to do with the personalities involved. So while I still don't understand a mom who would send her baby to the nursery to just have time away from the baby on the day the baby is born, I do understand that there are mothers like this and that they aren't bad moms, just different than I am.

To the OP: Kids who don't like change are going to make this very difficult for you and may have already learned or may be learning to manipulate your mommy guilt into getting what they want. One of my ds's was like this. He wasn't a bad kid. He was a very sensitive, quiet, and attached child. Going to kindergarten was horrible for him. He literally did cry the entire year in class on and off (per the teacher). I chose to not "save" him by taking him out of school. It was only half days. He continued to have a difficult time with change until he hit about 16/17yo. Now, he's my kiddo living on the other side of the country and in the Navy.

Keep in mind that he's going to grow up having to learn to make changes and adjustments. With some kids you have to push them. (Gads, makes me recall his making the T-ball All Star team and dragging him to the first three practices against his will because it was at a different ball field for goodness sake. >eye roll< LOL) You are wanting to finish four classes. You don't say if you want to do them all the same term. Perhaps splitting them over two terms would be easier for both of you.

Keep in mind that you are as worthy of a life that you want to live as he is. He doesn't know what kind of life he wants to live yet. Giving him changes, providing him opportunities to see other things, etc. is a good thing. He's barely started school. Encourage him to make friends and play dates. Perhaps take him to afterschool care once a week right now, before you start classes.

Don't give up your dreams!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 10:55am

While I did miss Dylan and thought about him while I was at work, I had no irrational fears about leaving him in daycare or now in school/afterschool care. And I didn't thing about him any more than I thought about dh or my other, much older, children. On the other hand, I also have a child, Erica, that not only would not have thrived in daycare or school, it would have been harmfull to her. So I stopped trying to make her fit into daycare and became a sah/wahm instead. And didn't put her into school until she was in 6th grade. And then she went in and out of a classroom until she graduated high school. As long as the child enjoys daycare and afterschool care, then the fear of it is all on the mother's side. The irrational fear part I can understand. I have them as well, just not that one. I work very hard at not passing on my unfounded fears to my children. Let them develope their own unfounded fears. :)

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:49am

You can avoid after-care by working a PT job with flexible hours.


For the most part, however, you can't get there from here without having a few years of experience in your job/company.


I think the first week of daycare or aftercare is the hardest on the parents.

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