"We don 't believe in that [WOHM]"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
"We don 't believe in that [WOHM]"
2078
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:31am

On Friday, as I was driving hom from work, I stumbled across an interview with the wife of the one surviving miner from the collapse in WVa. In the course of the interview, someone asked her if she worked.

Her response was that they don't believe in that. She explained that her husband was very proud of the fact that he was the sole supporter of the family, and that he didn't need her help in supporting them. She explained that they just don't believe in women working after they have kids and husbands, and that they believe her place is at home with the kids.

My heart really goes out to her, and this post isn't about her, but about the sentiment that women shouldn't work because their place is at home. And being a real man, even if it means working in dangerous conditions, long hours, holding two jobs and being a step away from poverty at every turn, means that your wife doesn't work.

I suppose this is the first time that I've heard someone, not a movie character or a character in a book, express this sentiment. I don't understand why anyone would be proud to limit their spouse's potential. Or why be proud that you live right on the poverty line?

If they didn't see the dangers of their POV before, surely that entire community, and even the whole country, has now seen the risk that we talk about on here all the time, the risk that suddenly the SAHM will need to find a way to financially support the family. I wonder if anyone will re-think what they believe in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005

I know I am late to the game, but I have to take exception to your statement that "most men". Do you really think most men want their wives at home raising children? I guess there are a certain group of men who believe and want this, but I have always found those type of men to be insecure and scared of women's power.

I have had in my world a father who loved to cook and clean and hang with me who would have never chosen a woman who would have stayed at home. In fact within two years of marriage my dad left for Thiland to serve in the Vietnam Police Action. While most of the other Officer's wives on base were back stateside at home tending to babies, my mom and dad were divising a plan to have my mom in Thiland. Well within 4 months my mother was a teacher at an international school in Bangkok while my dad was on base sending bombs to Vietnam. He would never have wanted a women who wasn't up for the experience and a stay at home wife would not have been able to be in country.

I have a husband who grew up thinking he wanted a stay at home wife (because that is what is family believed in and told him was right). However, after years at college and dating/marrying me he has actually said on his own that he would never be attracted to someone who was intending on staying home after kids. Please notice the nuance there - intending on staying home. He will always support whatever decision I make with regards to my work status, but I know he is turned off by women who intend to stay home.

I have met many more men who do not care one way or the other and I am pretty sure they do no have a secret desire to have a wife stay at home.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998

<<You said it was a personal attack. >>


I did?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998

Yes I understand why someone would stay at home for herself.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998

On this matter, I will have to agree with you 100%.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005

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Wow, what a generalization about men whose wives sah. My dh and I BOTH decided I would sah after we had our first dd. We also BOTH decided that when the youngest started kindergarten I would return to work.

You can speak about your own dh but mine is NOT insecure at all. He also would be very proud when I go back to work. He was also extrememly proud when I graduated from nursing shcool. If I sah forever, he would also have no problem b/c he is secure enough knowing we are doing what we BOTH choose to do. Personally, I would rather have a dh who was secure enough in hinself to let us both decide than one who demanded I go back to work without any thought to what I wanted.

And I am also glad my dh was attracted to be as a person not my career potential. But, that is just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005

Because IRL the statement to a WOHM from a SAHM that "I stay at home to raise my kids" is usually said with a tone that lets you know it is deragatory. It was said to my mom by very nasty cliquey women, it has been said to me in a very nasty way and I am sure many other WOHM have heard the same deragatory tone when it has been said to them.

Now, that you are one that does not say it with any implications is wonderful. But it is hot button because it is often said with an inference that the WOHM is not raising her child.

And better yet the statement is often followed with "I would never drop my kid off at daycare just to let someone else raise him/her".

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
You have no idea what I go through to find decent clothes for my almost 8 y.o. It is almost impossible to find anyhting that doesn't make her look 16. I actually have to spend more money on her clothes b/c the only stores I can find anything half decent are the more expesive department stores. Target is okay sometimes but they can be almost too babyish for her. She is not into wearing characters (except for Hello Kitty) at all. So, I definitely buy her less but she is not playing as rough as she used to and for that I buy cheap sweat outfits at Walmart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
And on the flip side, I have had WOH mothers state to me "I would go nuts all day", "I didn't go to college to waste my time sitting at home", "I would find sah with my children mind-numbing", "I am not a homemaker", etc. I could go on forever. I do not take it personally b/c I find it is stated to me for one of two reasons 1: They are just too ignorant to know how offensive it is or 2:They are insecure about their decision or feel guilty. And I know I am secure about my decision so why would those comments upset me? I just laugh a little on the inside thinking "Do they really believe that?".
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
See, I don't get that. I don't get how "I am not a homemaker" is about anybody but the person who is not a homemaker. "I would go nuts all day." Maybe she would. I would go nuts all day doing what PumpkinAngel does, honestly. It's nothing disparaging about P/A; but accounting isn't my thing. I think I could do it if that was the only way I could support my kids, but I would slowly die inside because that kind of work doesn't feed my soul. I know that sounds corny, it's the best way I can think of to day it right now. And maybe she has mind-numbingly boring children. I've never met any kids of that type, and I feel sorry for anyone who has them, but if I found my kids to be mind-numbingly boring, I'd seek outside stimulation, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005

Well, than why would a sah mother be derogatory in stating that she sah to raise her kids? That doesn't make sense to me at all. It is along the same lines I could take the comments from a WOH mothers as meaning I am too stupid to find it mind-numbing, or she just asusmes I didn't go to ocllege b/c i sah (which has happened to me more than once) or I would go nuts b/c she is so much mroe important than me. I think both sides of the argument boil down to one thing: You are only going to take things the way you choose to hear it.

Personally, like I stated, none of it bothers me b/c I know what I am doing is best for me and my family.

"The homemaker comment" grates on my nerves the most b/c it assumes that the only reason a sah mother sah is to "keep house". I sah to be with my kids and lay a foundation I did not think I could accomplish with daycare.

I am just trying to show you how comments form WOH mothers can be just as derogatory as one coming from a SAH mother.

Edited 1/13/2006 11:37 am ET by mom2megandemily




Edited 1/13/2006 11:37 am ET by mom2megandemily

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