What about divorced fathers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
What about divorced fathers?
20
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:48pm

Since one poster on this board has pointed out that working moms are not raising their kids, it got me thinking about me and Katie and a few others that have been divorced.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:53pm
Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:54pm

I may have differences with my ex husband but he has Liza two full weeks of every month -- he packs lunches, he signs permission slips, he drives to soccer games and works the concession stand, he has the "ballet bun" down perfect for dance class fridays, he listens to her silliness and hugs her when she's sad, he cares for her when she's sick -- and he's a hell of a dad-- and when she's at my house his presence still looms large as does mine at his house -- we talk every day and make all the joint major decisions together...

he absolutely is raising her --

 

Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 7:59pm
Yes, there are always those exceptions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 9:01pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 9:24pm
Xh is raising the kids as much as he possibly can. He's too far away to be a daily, constant influence, but he'd definitely taking part in raising him. His wife is too, to a lesser degree.
Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 10:15pm

Totally dependand on the the situation. In your case -- you bet! Sounds like the two of you have done an amazing job, acted like the adults in the situation and put your daughters needs first -- nice work BTW. I'm sure its not always easy.


Sounds like he is absolutely raising your (meaning the two of you) child with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sun, 10-14-2007 - 11:16pm
I think with good co-parenting attitudes fathers who do not live under the same roof are still raising their children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 3:11am

It's great that the experiences all of you are having is so positive.

For me, it was quite different. He was and is severely abusive and engages in what my children's many mental health care professionals termed "sociopathic parenting" along with his wife. After a time, my children refused visitation. Due to the state we lived in and the way custody was decided, the judges would simply have gone along with whatever the children wanted as far as where to live. Therefore, it was basically up to my kids where they lived regardless of the CO. They all lived with me.

In the summers, it was to be 2 weeks with one parent, 2 weeks with the other throughout the summer. The experience with that was that he and/or his wife kicked out each of my five children at least once, two of them twice, and another multiple times for things like, oh, leaving with me when the CO said they were supposed to for birthdays or whatever it may be. HE was the one who allowed them to read the CO. Then he paid the price because the children expected he would follow it.

One summer, my dd became suicidal when at his home. I had to go and pick her up when they were both gone to take her to the psychiatrist. Since I had sole legal custody, medical decisions were not his to make regardless of where she was at, his home or mine. He would not have allowed her to take medication in his home. I had no choice but to trust that she would take them as she was supposed to at 15yo when she was there since she made me promise not to tell him, with good reason. (Mental illness were something you could "decide" whether to have or not, according to him.) The doc that came out to confront him and his wife in the waiting room since I did have to inform him she was being hospitalized per the CO told me the next time I saw him that the guy was "an @@@hole," his words, not mine.

Obviously, I could go on and on. I'll leave it at that. If the children were at his home when they had school the next day, no one got them up or gave them an alarm clock. They often had no way to get to school. I wouldn't find out until I got home in the early evening, a little late to do anything about it. The schools were very understanding about the situation as they were very aware of what was happening. I finally had to tell the schools that his wife was NEVER to take the children out of school because she would go and pick them up and not return them until it was time to catch the bus for reasons like taking them to lunch, taking them home with her to do the housework, etc. Yes, really. I also had it set up with them that if x were to try to take them from school, they were to refuse him. If he insisted (which he had the legal right to do as the NCP in that state), they were to call me and delay him until I could get there. I could stop him from removing them from school by taking them to class and attending class with them or taking them home with me.

So, very long story, but he didn't do any parenting. He and his wife did NON-parenting. It was about revenge, not the kids and not parenting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 8:32am
That is horrible.

Avatar for phyreblade
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 4:19am

It's not just deadbeat dads, Jackie.


About a couple years into my marriage, we came extraordinarily close to divorce, all the way up to me leaving him for a journey across the country to stay with my folks while I would begin rebuilding my life.

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