What to do?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
What to do?????
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 2:23am
Ok, here it is....

I am accepeted to go to law school in three months. I have wanted to go now for years and put it off due to the fact that I am 36 and did not want to risk being motherless.

Well, my husband is not crazy about the idea at all. And I can understand because it is very exspensive. I would attend part time and it is 18,000 per year plus books.

I am a SAHM right now and my son will be 8.5 month by the time I would go. Yes, we are both freaked out about the loans of school, I mean really, am I crazy?

I said a couple of weeks ago, yea this is crazy...too much money ,I change my mind. However, the school needs an answer and a deposit by this Friday. EEK, I am kind of nervous, do I give it up after all I went through. This is my last deferment they have given me two. I am really nervous, will I regret this. If I go, it will cause severe financial strain on out marriage. My husband is NUTS over money.

What am I to do, end my marriage over this? I would really like to go but...

I really don't have any family support over this issue, so that makes it tough.

My husband said three years ago, well we have to have a family sometime, and I agreed so that is why I put this off. And he said ..you can go later. I know my husband, that will never happen..how could it when it is too much money, and I am not going to move to a closer, cheaper school. I will also have to secure a part time job too while I attend school.

Staying at home is good, but I do feel out of sorts quite often. I use to have so much motivation, drive, goals, now...what is wrong with me.

Well, I am so confused.

Should I just forget about it after I said I changed my mind? Or, just say, well this is me, I gotta do it? Why do I feel so guilty, wrong, upset, confused, scared? This issue has also caused a lot of stress between me and my husband - because he knows I wanted this. Now we fight about it.

Any advice?




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 6:21am
Being a lawyer is your dream and I say go for it. You have been persuaded twice to put aside your dream. Your disappointment of turning it down will surely affect your marriage and your dh will soon learn that it would have been better to support the person he loves than to cage them.

You live once, do it right the first time.



Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 8:18am
I agree with Linda. If you don't do it you will always have what-ifs, if not regrets, hanging over your head. I really hope that your husband can understand that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:04am
Is he is just worried about the cost of school, or does he have expectations of you SAH forever? For a few years? The cost may be great, but it's not like buying something you can't afford, it is more like an investment, isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:30am
Really take a hard look at what you want out of life -- 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the road. The time is going to pass regardless of what you do now. What do you want to be doing then? What do you need to do now to get there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 10:20am
I think you and your dh need to reach a compromise or everyone will lose. If you are fighting, you obviously don't agree on the issue. Is it the money? Is it the time it will involve? You need to really sit down and talk to your dh about why he is not supportive. If it's the money, you have a responsibility, if you really want this, to come up with a plan. Lay it out for him. How much it will cost, what loans are involved. Put a timeline on everything. If it's the time, go to him with a plan for how you will accomplish everything WRT to school, home etc. Try to enlist his help instead of alienating him. Lots of moms come to these boards complaining about how their dh doesn't want them to SAH. My advice to them is the same as it is to you. Law school is tough, even when you don;t have small children and a home to maintain. If you want it, you have to figure out how to make it work and get your dh to support you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 10:47am
I would put some feelers out as to how much money you could make once you become a lawyer. That may put your husbands mind at ease WRT the cost of the loans. As far as I know, with student loans, you are not expected to start paying them back until you are finished with school, at which time you probably would have a job. And, since you are going part time, when you finish your child most likely will be in school. Now.. just a thought here, I'm not presuming to know anything about your husband.. but maybe the issue isn't money at all, but the prospect of your earning power being more than his. It may make him feel inadequate and that could be why he's defensive about the subject. Because it seems kind of unlikely that the money would be a problem if they are student loans that don't need to be paid off until you are done anyways. I can't see putting off something that is an obvious benefit to yourself and your family in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:07am
Well,I hate to be the wet blanket,but I don't see how realistic it is to have a family and a pt job AND go to law school AND a dh who isn't supportive AND pay for dc on top of all of that.I have never been to law school,but just from seeing friends that did,it was tough on 23 year olds with no other responsibilities besides school.So,I agree with cacd that you really need to sit down and talk to your dh about it.You really need him on your side if this is going to work.I think you should go,but you need his support.Being a single mom will make things even tougher.Didn't Justice O"connor go to law school at night later in life,too?So,it's been done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:02pm
Been over it ALL! Money, jobs, why I should not go. Form A to Z and back again!!!

Been hashed out for three years now, over and over and over again!

He does not want me to go for many reasons....

The loans that we must pay back

What about our son..the time

He can not see me being a "hard" attorney

Um what else..

The list is on and on....

I love my son and want to be a good mother -which I already am!

This is my last deferment....and it is very competitive to get into law school

Thanks for all the advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:03pm
HOLY COW!!!! $18,000?!?!?!? Thank GOD I live in Oklahoma. At the University I want to attend law school, tuition is $212.42 , and that includes all fees!!! That doesn't come anywhere CLOSE to what you are talking about. UGH!

As for your husband...I don't know what to tell you. My husband is more than supportive of anything that I want to do. If he wasn't...without VERY good reason, I would probably start rethinking who I chose to marry and have children with. I just cannot even comprehend either my spouse or me not supporting each other in something we want, had planned, or whatever. :(

Edited 5/8/2003 4:55:47 PM ET by okmrsmommy

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:58pm
So your husband has some excellent reasons here. But you forgot to make your case as to why you should get to go to law school.

Look, you are a married adult with a child. Your life is just not all about you and your dreams anymore. What have you been up to during the preceeding 16 years, during which time you could have been persuing your dreams on your own effort and dime? "But Its My Dream" does not compute anymore. 16 yrs ago, 15 yrs ago, 14yrs ago...sure. Even 3yrs ago...2yrs ago...before you were a parent, maybe. But now. Sorry, no go.

You are looking at a $150,000 committment here. And that doesn't take in to account the cost of lost investment/mortgage paydown, or the cost of loan repayment. Heres how I count it. $60,000 for 3 yrs of law school (more if its 4 yrs). Plus, you must have been a somewhat focused career gal previous to becoming a Mom. You are about goals and challenge or something? Ok, so you have some fairly aggressive history to support that, and to support the idea that you'll actually make it as a lawyer. So you were making a good salary in your previous life, lets say, $60,000/yr. Lets just say that represents $30,000 take home. Now you are a sahm. Obviously that $30,000 isn't required. Let say it costs you $10,000 to work. I'm being real conservative here, in estimating yoru take home value. Its probably should be much higher than $20,000/yr. But lets give it $20,000. So if you were serious about law school, given you didn't really need that income, you should have been able to actually SAVE a good percentage of the cost of your education in the past 3 yrs. Or the past 16 for that matter. Apparently you didn't. Why in the world not.

Oh yes, law school is $60,000, plus the $30,000/yr take home income which you will ditch to go. Over 3 yrs, thats $150,000. THATS alot. Thats largely after tax. That pracitcally represenets a 6 figure salary, three years running. THAT will take alot of time and effort to recoup post law school. You aren't going to be making that up the day you walk out of law school. I can see why your husband isn't into this. I suppose HIS dream is to have some financial security in his life. That too, is a valid dream.

You can't just say "husband its my dream". You are saying "husband, this is my dream, fork over the $150,000 so I may persue it, please, I don't care what sacrifice you need to make." Not good. Not good at all. You have 16 years of not doing what you apparently want to do so much to explain away, along with the fact that you haven't saved anything towards this goal which is apparently so important to you.