What exactly is parenting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
What exactly is parenting?
596
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:39am

A lot of discussion on this board centers around arguing about who is parenting your child. Yet, what exactly is parenting? What is it that a SAHM does that a WOHM can't do, just differently or in different amounts?

Some of the discussion on this board concerns who does the housework. A clean house is important, but is it parenting? Home-cooked meals are important, but if the overall nutrition provided by a WOHM is good, which part is parenting?

For example, parenting may mean attending a child's volleyball games. As a WOHM, I attended all my daughter's volleyball games, even away games. However, we probably had pizza or McDonald's or cereal for supper that night. Had I been a SAHM, I would have cooked a better meal and my house would have been cleaner. Both good things, but what is the line between parenting and housework? I was a single mom and had no choice, but honestly, I would have gone crazy being a SAHM even if I could have. I admire SAHMs, I admire WOHMs too, I admire any Mom because it's not easy and the rewards are sometimes big and/or immediate, sometimes small and/or delayed, sometimes doubtful and dubious.

Is parenting teaching? If it's wrong to send a toddler to day care or preschool, why is it okay to send a 5-year-old to kindergarten? Or a 16-year-old to high school? Can we only call ourselves parents if we home-school?

I believe that families are different. Children are different. Parents are different. Interests, priorities and needs are different. There are some non-negotiables, such as a safe home, good nutrition, education, love, attention; but there are many different ways of achieving them.

I'm a grandmother. I watch my wonderful daughter and her wonderful husband work hard to meet their children's needs. My daughter was a part-time WOHM, now is a SAHM. There are trade-offs. It wasn't easy working, it isn't easy staying home, with three toddlers, including twins. But the love and good parenting were there when she WOH and they are there now. To be completely honest, I find it incredibly more enjoyable to spend time with my grandkids than I remember with my own kids, because I only have to love them, I don't have to raise them. Patience is so easy one day at a time.

Why are mothers so judgemental of each other? Are we that insecure that we have to criticize those who do it differently than we do? Can't we just realize we are all human, we all make mistakes, when we are at our best, we do our best and even shine, and when we're not at our best, we depend on those we love to help us and forgive us for our humanness?

Some WOHMs spend too much time at work and miss important time with their families. Some SAHMs place too much emphasis on a clean house and miss important time with their families. Wrong priorities can happen anywhere. Right priorities can happen anywhere.

There are far too many people willing to judge. Far too few people offering support.

I'm not a regular on this board, though I browse (is it called lurking?) from time to time. I realize it's a debate board. I realize it's normal to get blasted. I realize some will believe I ought not be entering the fray. So be it.

Hugs to all.

Grandma J

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:28am
If you really want to control portions at a restaurant, you don't eat it all or share it with someone else or order a junior size. The option of getting more than you originally intended to eat is far more available in the home. For "free".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:29am

For me, working also gave me a safety net for the kids. When I needed to be in the hospital with Devin, they had babysitters already and my mother or my friends could watch them at night. I am sure I could have found people during the day but it made it alot easier that they had a routine built in. I also had a place where I could go and everything was the same. No potty chairs in the bathroom, no hospital bed in the living room, no wheelchair in the kitchen. It was just blessed normalness.


I think it is why I simply can not relate and can not wrap my mind around the thought that staying home should be a solution when there is a family crisis.


But, hey, this is the first thread I have felt passionate enough to debate

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:29am
She "chose" Sweden because she LIVES THERE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:31am

I find it interesting that you seem to think it's not ok to give up 100% of your income, which makes sense, as you said, everyone has to eat, but you go on to lightly suggest that giving up half of a household income by having one parent SAH is doable. Did you ever stop to consider that cutting a family income in half would cause a crisis in and of it self? That it could place huge amounts of stress on an already stressed family and might even be teh cause of having to uproot a family from their home, something that should not be done in a time of crisis. Or do you assume that all dual income families have one spousee who chooses to work and both don;t need to work?

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:32am

My kids never had juice at daycare...unless it was a holiday party.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:35am

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I dunno. How does your dh solve your children's crises? Rely on you? Well...maybe the later working spouse relies on the one who doesn't work that late?

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Car? Public buses? Walking? Bikes? Any of these modern modes of transportation ring any bells? this is where choosing one's home based on the school district becomes critical. John walked or biked to/from high school most of his first two years (when he wasn't licensed). His junior year, he took my car after I got home from work (I worked 9:30p to 6:00a.m. that year). His senior year, his dad helped him buy a car (dad got the note, John paid it and the insurance) because our schedules conflicted (I wasn't getting home from work before he had to leave for school) and he needed it to get to and from his internship.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:35am
Oh I totally understand. I don't think I'd let my kid drive my younger kid around either. The town I grew up in was pretty small and relatively uncrowded. (Is that a word?) Then again, I get in the car with my older brother (who is 36) and scream in my head the same thing... Don't you see that car?!?! Ahhhh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:35am

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The child is on the verge of killing herself or seriously injuring an innocent classmate or innocent bystander. You don't think that warrants constant supervision for her? I just don't get how it's better for both parents to keep a ft job and risk her killing herself or injuring someone else. At that point, I'd rather incur some debt for 6 months or a year. I'd pull out all of the stops and begin the long process of solving the crisis. Or the father reduces his hours or quits. I'd rather have her alive than have my ft job and health insurance. I couldn't recover if my child killed himself. I could recover if I had debt and had to look for another job in 6 months or a year. I've had debt before. It's nowhere near as traumatic as surviving a child's suicide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:35am

<>


Sure...but again, its not linked to working status....nor will working status fix the problem.


<>


Would he be willing to cut down on his hours?

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:36am

You know, as a WOHM, I really am lucky that I have a wonderful network of friends and family who can help out in a crisis. My best friend, whose daughter is DS2's best friend took care of DS2 the entire time we were at the ER with DS1. DS2 went to her house after school, she fed him, he slept there. She went to my house and my next door neighbor, who is also a dear friend, helped her get in and get clothes for DS2. She also brought DS2 home with her the next day when DH and I had a meeting at the hospital.

My boss and co-workers took care of everything they could at work (and I took 3 days off - unannounced). DH's receptionist took care of his schedule by cancelling out 3 days in a row. We are truly blessed to have so many people that care about us and our children. And they called and left messages to let us know they were thinking about us and praying for us.

It was not something I felt I could share on this board for a while. I was too raw.

<Hugs to you....>> {{{{{{ditto}}}}}}}

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