What exactly is parenting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
What exactly is parenting?
596
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:39am

A lot of discussion on this board centers around arguing about who is parenting your child. Yet, what exactly is parenting? What is it that a SAHM does that a WOHM can't do, just differently or in different amounts?

Some of the discussion on this board concerns who does the housework. A clean house is important, but is it parenting? Home-cooked meals are important, but if the overall nutrition provided by a WOHM is good, which part is parenting?

For example, parenting may mean attending a child's volleyball games. As a WOHM, I attended all my daughter's volleyball games, even away games. However, we probably had pizza or McDonald's or cereal for supper that night. Had I been a SAHM, I would have cooked a better meal and my house would have been cleaner. Both good things, but what is the line between parenting and housework? I was a single mom and had no choice, but honestly, I would have gone crazy being a SAHM even if I could have. I admire SAHMs, I admire WOHMs too, I admire any Mom because it's not easy and the rewards are sometimes big and/or immediate, sometimes small and/or delayed, sometimes doubtful and dubious.

Is parenting teaching? If it's wrong to send a toddler to day care or preschool, why is it okay to send a 5-year-old to kindergarten? Or a 16-year-old to high school? Can we only call ourselves parents if we home-school?

I believe that families are different. Children are different. Parents are different. Interests, priorities and needs are different. There are some non-negotiables, such as a safe home, good nutrition, education, love, attention; but there are many different ways of achieving them.

I'm a grandmother. I watch my wonderful daughter and her wonderful husband work hard to meet their children's needs. My daughter was a part-time WOHM, now is a SAHM. There are trade-offs. It wasn't easy working, it isn't easy staying home, with three toddlers, including twins. But the love and good parenting were there when she WOH and they are there now. To be completely honest, I find it incredibly more enjoyable to spend time with my grandkids than I remember with my own kids, because I only have to love them, I don't have to raise them. Patience is so easy one day at a time.

Why are mothers so judgemental of each other? Are we that insecure that we have to criticize those who do it differently than we do? Can't we just realize we are all human, we all make mistakes, when we are at our best, we do our best and even shine, and when we're not at our best, we depend on those we love to help us and forgive us for our humanness?

Some WOHMs spend too much time at work and miss important time with their families. Some SAHMs place too much emphasis on a clean house and miss important time with their families. Wrong priorities can happen anywhere. Right priorities can happen anywhere.

There are far too many people willing to judge. Far too few people offering support.

I'm not a regular on this board, though I browse (is it called lurking?) from time to time. I realize it's a debate board. I realize it's normal to get blasted. I realize some will believe I ought not be entering the fray. So be it.

Hugs to all.

Grandma J

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:10pm
Kindly quote any post of mine that said WW works.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:24pm
What will I do if my 13-18yr olds refuse to come right home after school? Well I'll give them a good talking to, and threaten to sell the house, thats what. Because cr*p. They are clearly not exhibiting normal teen behaviour. Normal, appreciateive, teenagers would be rushing straight home to the empty house to do drugs and have sex. If I'm providing my teens with 3000sq ft of adult free space, two audio/visual rec areas, a bar and a stocked kitchen...they darn well better be having their teen crisis right there in that home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:30pm

Juice at snack time is fine. What doesn't happen in daycares, is children are not walking around with bottles and sippy cups full of the stuff all the time. And that is a good thing. That is pretty much a home base behaviour.

Regardless of what happens at dc snack time - its not going to get carried into the school years unless the parents decide to send several drinks with their child - one for each recess, plus lunch.

If crackers and cookies at snack time would be fattening for your child, then you are obviously over feeding that child. In your case, that child is eating WAY too much fruit. Must be hell on the digestive system.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:43pm

The choice isn't between having a parent at home and having teenagers at home alone without supervision. My kids get to after school activities and are supervised after school by someone I pay to do exactly that. They aren't alone, they aren't unsupervised, and they aren't at loose ends.

"What sah does is vastly increase the chances that my children will continue not to have those crises(sp?). And then it vastly increases our chances to solve a crisis should it arise."

That's a theory. Not much of one, but a theory.

"How does the wohp who doesn't get home until 5:30 solve a child's crisis?"

Well, at least 2 days a week 5:30 would be earlier than my 10 year old gets home. On the other three days pretty much any crisis can wait another 2.5 hours until I get home. Unless you're talking about profuse bleeding, there's not much that you can do with those extra 2.5 hours than I can do without them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:44pm

Teen suicide is not the sort of thing that requires 2 hrs of unattended afterschool time in order to accomplish. A suicide wish finds the time.

This level of mental illness is not going to be "cured" or "dealt with" or otherwise address within 6 months to a year. Especially with a teen. This child is most likely going to suffer with it for the rest of her life. The kind of ongoing medical treatment required has the ability to put all but the very wealthiest families into serious finanical crisis. If the child does cause harm to another person, there are likely to be lawyers fees as well. What is really required is some seriously expensive ongoing professional assistance, hopefully just medical, but with a child like that, it could easily be more than just medical. Its no time to be ditching an income source. That is the hard cold reality of life. Mommy's presence is not going to make it all better.
Mommy's money will stand a better chance of being able to effect a positive improvement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:48pm

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~news/releases/2003/jan/012003.html
http://www.jcpr.org/policybriefs/vol4_num6.html

Depends on your income bracket apparently...I have no doubt you won't look at these articles, but your assertion that the obesity epidemic is directly attributable to stay at home mom's is just not supported by the evidence.

Of course, I don't know why I bother as you aren't capable of easing your mind open as far as staying home goes, but maybe it will give others some info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:48pm

Exactly. This child will be considered a success if she can function in the world without destroying herself or seriously hurting someone else.


Treatment is requiring a ton of money and, realistically, they may have to forego custody and give her to the state so the state will pay for the therapies required.


It is a terrible, terrible situation.

"The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't have a space program." Larry Nivens

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:54pm

Neither food at home or in a restaurant is free. You have to grocery shop to buy food fixed at home. Most people are more likely to over eat in a restaurant, because "I just paid good money for that food, I'm not going to let it go to waste."

Additionally, even if you don't over eat at a restaurant, you never really know what is in your food. (Chefs LOVE to use butter and other fats). If I cook at home, I know EXACTLY what is in my food.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:10pm
My child probably never will eat a lunchables....however, I'm not ruling out Happy Meals, frozen pizza and boxed mac & cheese....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:26pm

At home you do not have the negative impact of having to pay for your food immediately after you eat it. Its already bought and paid for. No matter how much you eat, not gonna cost you a cent more anytime soon. I don't know anyone who eats more than they feel like eating in a restaurant. They are there to enjoy the meal, not to make themselves feel sick.

If you are so paranoid about anyones cooking other than your own, you are probably going to create alot of food stress in that home. Butter. Oh. The horror!

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