What exactly is parenting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
What exactly is parenting?
596
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:39am

A lot of discussion on this board centers around arguing about who is parenting your child. Yet, what exactly is parenting? What is it that a SAHM does that a WOHM can't do, just differently or in different amounts?

Some of the discussion on this board concerns who does the housework. A clean house is important, but is it parenting? Home-cooked meals are important, but if the overall nutrition provided by a WOHM is good, which part is parenting?

For example, parenting may mean attending a child's volleyball games. As a WOHM, I attended all my daughter's volleyball games, even away games. However, we probably had pizza or McDonald's or cereal for supper that night. Had I been a SAHM, I would have cooked a better meal and my house would have been cleaner. Both good things, but what is the line between parenting and housework? I was a single mom and had no choice, but honestly, I would have gone crazy being a SAHM even if I could have. I admire SAHMs, I admire WOHMs too, I admire any Mom because it's not easy and the rewards are sometimes big and/or immediate, sometimes small and/or delayed, sometimes doubtful and dubious.

Is parenting teaching? If it's wrong to send a toddler to day care or preschool, why is it okay to send a 5-year-old to kindergarten? Or a 16-year-old to high school? Can we only call ourselves parents if we home-school?

I believe that families are different. Children are different. Parents are different. Interests, priorities and needs are different. There are some non-negotiables, such as a safe home, good nutrition, education, love, attention; but there are many different ways of achieving them.

I'm a grandmother. I watch my wonderful daughter and her wonderful husband work hard to meet their children's needs. My daughter was a part-time WOHM, now is a SAHM. There are trade-offs. It wasn't easy working, it isn't easy staying home, with three toddlers, including twins. But the love and good parenting were there when she WOH and they are there now. To be completely honest, I find it incredibly more enjoyable to spend time with my grandkids than I remember with my own kids, because I only have to love them, I don't have to raise them. Patience is so easy one day at a time.

Why are mothers so judgemental of each other? Are we that insecure that we have to criticize those who do it differently than we do? Can't we just realize we are all human, we all make mistakes, when we are at our best, we do our best and even shine, and when we're not at our best, we depend on those we love to help us and forgive us for our humanness?

Some WOHMs spend too much time at work and miss important time with their families. Some SAHMs place too much emphasis on a clean house and miss important time with their families. Wrong priorities can happen anywhere. Right priorities can happen anywhere.

There are far too many people willing to judge. Far too few people offering support.

I'm not a regular on this board, though I browse (is it called lurking?) from time to time. I realize it's a debate board. I realize it's normal to get blasted. I realize some will believe I ought not be entering the fray. So be it.

Hugs to all.

Grandma J

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:29pm
I'm sure your trip to the stove provides absolutely nowhere the deterent as would the trip to your wallet for the cost of another meal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:38pm

I can't think of any teen crisis that can be solved by having one parent at home, rather than not at home, between 4 and 6pm. Not a single one.

I can think of many where, if parent is thinking a parental presence between 4 and 6pm is going to solve the problem...then that parent is going to, in pretty short order, discover that they need their spouse to take over every second day, while said first parent recovers from the mental and emmotional stress. Pretty much, they are going to need to ditch both jobs.

I can think of many more crisis where the kind of help that is really required, needs to be paid for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:39pm

"I don't know anyone who eats more than they feel like eating in a restaurant. They are there to enjoy the meal, not to make themselves feel sick."

I know of a LOT of people that do. I don't, and it sounds like you don't, but that doesn't mean that there aren't people that do. If you speak to people that have major weight problems, frequently they say that they don't seem to have an "off" button, and so for them, eating out can be a big problem.

"If you are so paranoid about anyones cooking other than your own, you are probably going to create alot of food stress in that home. Butter. Oh. The horror!"

I'm not paranoid about what is in my food. I'm just saying that there is a LOT of hidden fat in restaurant food. If you go into it, knowing that, and knowing that it should be limited, then no harm. There are many people though that don't realize how much hidden fat is in restaurant food, and think they are eating light or healthy and they are not.

I don't eliminate anything from my diet. I moderate ceratain foods, but I don't elimanate. There isn't food stress in my home. We talk about eating a healthy diet, but that diet includes all types of foods, including desserts, and restaurant food and fast food. Mostly we encourage lots of activity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:50pm
But its true. The people at our neighbourhood McDs during lunchtime are mostly sahms with kids in tow, and men who work in the surrounding industrial park. I know enough people in the area to have a very good idea of what demo I'm lookin gat. I don't think I've ever run into another wohm there who happened to have taken off the same day as me. The only other wohms I've run into there are working there. I run into sahm I know right left and centre. There are lots of wohms at McDs where I work - but they are in the middle of their work days, and their kids aren't with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:52pm
So have your sit down service restaurants and grocery stores all but disappeared then? If most people are at these ff places for 5 eat out meals a week, I expect the sit down places to be history, and the grocery stores to have seriously downsized.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:01pm

Yes, and I frequently talk to SAHM friends of mine that say they had a playdate at McDonald's.

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:02pm

Well, we're all pretty thin in my family but we do love to eat. We sit at the table for a good hour every night at dinner. It's just our tradition."

Sounds like us. My entire family (mom, dad, sister, aunts, uncles) are all thin. We've always had long drawn out dinners. We eat healthy foods but we also eat deserts and will drink a glass of wine or two.

I *love* sitting around a meal with family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:07pm

If they have a weight problem, eating out doesn't present any more problems than eating at home. Or they wouldn't have a weight problem.

There are many more people who don't realize how much hidden fat is in the food they serve at home, and think they are eating healthy, just because they are eating at home, home cooked, and possibly organic, food. When they are not.

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:07pm

"I mean that the claim that portion control is more diffuclt when eating out, then when eating at home, is erroneous. Because people who have to pay for more rarely order "seconds". "

As usual, it appears you live on Mars.

First, there are many places that offer all you can eat. Even our local sushi place has an all you can eat deal some days. They also offer unlimited refills on sugary drinks like soda. So there is no duplicative payment for meals. Second, its a well known *fact* that portions served at resteraunts are huge in the US. And many don't offer 1/2 portions for 1/2 the price...to address your eat with your wallet theory. Finally, fast food is cheap. Look at the calorie/fat content on a big mac. Compare that to most home made burgers. Your "theory" is rubbish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:17pm
Good point!

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