What happens when you your spouse disag

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Registered: 03-26-2003
What happens when you your spouse disag
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Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:21pm
Did everyone discuss and decide SAH/WOH with their DH before marriage? Did anyone change their mind later or did circumstances change changing the SAH/ WOH decision. I knew a guy who supported his wife SAH once children arrived but she started SAH before kids. I knew another guy who supported his wife decision to SAH when kids were little. However, when kids were older he wanted her to WOH ft and she resisted. How did you work out these disagreements?
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 8:31pm
I don't know. generally I would think that's the sort of thing you would discuss *before* marriage and if your plans can't be reconciled, then I guess marriage isn't a good idea! I can't even imagine getting married without discussing that sort of thing first.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:04pm
my dh has always supported anything i wanted to do with regards to woh/sah, however, although i *thought* i wanted to be a sahm forever, i did not enjoy it on a full time basis, and we did need the finances, so i started working pt when the kids were 3,7&8 and went full time 6years later. i would love to quit work and play now, but we have a few bills, as we have children in college, high school etc......LOL. it would not be appropriate for me to play and dump all the finances on dh's back, nor would it be considerate, kind, thoughtful, yadah, yadah, yadah. i wouldnt want it done to me, so i wont do it to him......although, he would probably let me do it if i insisted. what a guy!!LOL
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Registered: 03-27-2000
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:47pm
Dh and I came from similar backgrounds in many ways. Our moms SAH when we were little then worked when we were older. I think we probably talked about it, though I don't remember any specific conversations. We are very family-oriented - wanted a large family and close ties to extended family. We both agreed that if financially possible, I would be a SAHM if we felt it was the right thing when the time came. After I had our first child, we talked about it and decided I would stay in the workforce - however, I did change jobs to enable me to have a shorter commute (10 mins vs an hour). When our second one was born, the logistics of our jobs made it difficult for both of us to keep working so we decided at that time that I would stay home.

Since then, we have discussed that decision on occasion to make sure we are both still on the same page, and so far, we are both happy with the decision for me to be home. I think my dh would support me (assuming we were meeting our financial goals) if I wanted to remain a SAHM after all of our kids are in school, but most likely I will go back to work, at least part time.

We are pretty open in terms of communicating, so I think if one of us was unhappy in our working choices, we would look for ways to resolve that. If it meant my returning to work, that is what I would do.

Maureen

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:55pm
Never discussed it before marriage (in fact we never discussed any of the important things that are suposed to be discussed before marriage).

I really don't know how we would have handled it if we disagreed. I was very lucky that it never became an issue. Dh left it completely up to me. When I said that I wanted to SAH, he said do what you want, when I decided to go back to work he again said do what you want.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 11:48am
Neither of us is set up to believe that there is one Holy Grail that we aspire towards. When it made sense for me to work, I did. I continued to work even past the point where I really NEEDED to because I had a job I loved and a good work setup. Once I was laid off we re-evaluated and decided I would SAH for a while. If it makes sense for me to work in the future I will do so. Right now dh has a strong preference to have me AH. I like being AH, but I also liked working. I cannot see myself SAH forever, but for now it's fine.

We never really discussed this before we were married.

Jenna

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 11:57am
We never really discussed my work status when we got married. We just had too much other stuff going on (new baby, health issues) to get around to that discussion. We managed fine without it. I have kinda ebbed in and out of the work flow. I worked full-time then I stayed home then I worked part-time then I worked full-time and now I work anywhere from 30-40 hours a week.

The only time there was any disagreement was when I took a part-time job last year and quit my full-time job. I just could not handle it all and it was difficult to explain to DH when his health was a huge factor in my decision. I cleaned houses on the side and we survived. The job later went to full-time which is considered anything over 30 hours. It worked out.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 12:23pm
we never discussed it, but i can't imagine why we would, since our decision is based more on the needs and tempraments of children we didn't have at that point, the demands of jobs and debts (pretty much only the house) that we didn't have at that time, daycare options that have changed over location and time, etc., than on a master plan ("i intend to woh" or "i want to sah"). our next line of reasoning--working toward what each of us (dh and i, as well as the kids) wants most out of our current and conceivable options--isn't really something that can be preplanned either, though it brings me to the last part of the question: our marriage is based on mutual respect, not a stagnant premarital role-defined contract, so we work out disagreements by compromising until we are both happy, by never by digging in our heels and pronouncing what we will or won't do without regard for what the other needs or wants. to go back to the middle, i decided that sah and then pt-wah were my best options at one point, and i am aiming to scale back and resume pt-wah if a very flexible ft-woh job doesn't drop out of the sky in the meantime; i don't know if i'd say that any of that constitutes "changing my mind," though, since the only thing that "makes up" my mind is firmly embeded in the here-and-now of every passing day.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 12:29pm
We did not discuss SAH/WOH before marriage. Neither of us feels strongly that there is one right way. It's the kind of thing that we decide in context. What kind of jobs do we have? What kind of insurance? How long is the commute? What are our childcare options? What are our fixed expenses? What income level do we need to feel secure? All these questions and many more came into our decisions, so we really could not make decisions about SAH/WOH so far ahead of time.

When I got pregnant for the first time, we did discuss our options. I continued working, based on the facts that I had excellent insurance, we found DC we were comfortable with, and DH'd job was then a temporary job with no security. I did, however, look for and find a new job with a shorter commute. When I got pregnant the second time, we again evaluated our situation, and I cut back to PT in the same job. By that time, DH's job was permananent status. Since then, I've mainly worked PT, with one year of FT while DH SAH or worked PT. I've also had a summer at home. Our decisions have been based on changing circumstances, long-term goals, lucky breaks, and unlucky breaks. Fortunalty, we have never had any major disagreements about SAH/WOH, although we disagree about plenty of other child rearing issues.

We did discuss children before we married though. DH was adament that if we had one child, he wanted at least one more, and he wanted them close in age. I didn't feel strongly about either of these issues, but since he did it was fine with me. We were totally wiped out by our difficult first baby and so did not have another right away, as we originally planned, but we did have another three years later.

Dana

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 2:11pm
We have always known that to make ends meet I would have to work. We both had working mothers and have excellent relationships with them so working was never a big deal!
Ana