What makes a Debate Board "poster" tick?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What makes a Debate Board "poster" tick?
101
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 6:42pm
I've been thinking about this the last few days and Cindytree's post below (re: developing a thicker skin) prompted me to ask this: What is the difference between someone who comes on here and sticks it out through the thick and thin of it (even & especially if they are being disagreed with) and the person who comes on here, gets frustrated, snarky and indignent and leaves the: "Goodbye Cruel World. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time with you. You are all a bunch of bitches anyway" finale post.

I really wonder about this. I personally love this board. I love the candor, the difference of opinion, how people back up their arguments and the overall personalities that are here. I may read one post and think "yeah, she's absolutely without a doubt correct!" and then read the next one and think "oh, she's got a point, too" LOL.

From day one on ivillage, the debate boards (especially this one) have always drawn me in as opposed to the other boards.

I have to confess that i lurked over on the support board that was so "appalled" by the behavior over here to see what they would say about this current go around. Not that I was the least surprised that they thought everyone here was an insane bitch on a witchhunt just looking for a cat fight, I was just intrigued by why I after 3 years mostly lurking & more recently posting never felt that way about this board.

Why do I see intellegent back and forth debating (which CAN get heated & snarky due to anonymous nature of the board) an amazing group of women who are funny, intelligent and passionate, and someone else sees the complete opposite and is shocked and appalled by the board "behavior".

Anyway, I thought I would throw that out to see what other people think. Just been on my mind lately. Design

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 6:54pm
I think that some people take it much too personal. I don't understand why some get so upset about what complete strangers say.

I come to debate subjects not specific people's lives, but some people cannot tell the difference. If you are debating a subject that hits too close to home some people feel that you are picking on them.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 7:29pm
For me lately this board has represented entertainment. I am not the world's best debater. I don't think logically and systematically like a lot of the women on this board. But I enjoy reading the posts, I enjoy occassionally getting my two cents in, and I enjoy seeing just how ridiculous things can get. Support boards are boring and have that whole "kumbayah" mentality (let's all just get along!) which is a bit too sugary for my taste.

I've always been "pro-choice" on a lot of issues because I truly believe that no way is right or wrong. I really enjoy reading the extreme ideas, but don't respond to many of them because I'm tired of debating whether WOHMs do more than SAHMs or whether SAHM's kids are "better" than the kids of WOHMs.


Oh, and I love watching someone trying to impersonate you! LOL!

It just doesn't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 7:47pm
I see this board as you do, with the intellegence being thrown around, as well as the feistiness. there are a lot of issues i agree with, that are being supported by the "underdog", that i dont really want to try to participate in, and there are others about which i am extremely passionate and will "debate" to the bitter end. i really, really enjoy "hearing" the viewpoints of people i dont know, as i know it is truly an honest opinion coming from cyberspace(most of the time). my children are all older than most of the posters', and it is really interesting to hear some of the "little tricks" others use to help guide their children. occasionally, i wish i could go back and try some of the techniques i've never used.

yes we all can get very "bitchy" on the board, but ehmmmm we are women, and we all know hormones can hit at any given moment. LOL. SO WHAT! too many people take this stuff so personally, and to heart.

i have also gained a few friends on here AND learn more about my sister(laurenmom2boys, or as i love to refer to her as, laurenboyz2men)who lives 600 miles away from me, and dont get to see as often as i would like.

the only "bad" thing about it, imo, is it calls my name when im in the middle of things, like im supposed to be changing beds, and doing laundry right now!!LOL. i have about 7 young adults coming to spend the night in about three weeks, and i would like to at least get the beds done, so i dont have to worry about them at the last minute.

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 7:51pm
This is a good example of how misunderstandings can occur. It seems that you are using me and my post as an example of "the person who comes on here, gets frustrated, snarky and indignent and leaves the: "Goodbye Cruel World. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time with you. You are all a bunch of bitches anyway" finale post." If that is your intent, then this is an example of why it is hard not to take things personally since you did mention me by name followed by a really negative example of your view. If I have misunderstood, then let me know.

To answer your question, I happened upon this board while looking around iVillage, thought it looked interesting but then was blown away by the nastiness I was seeing and the nasty way I wanted to respond when I felt attacked, which isn't how I am in "real" life. That's why I took a break. True, I didn't need to announce it or anything and I see now how silly that was.

I was naive when I first started posting here and assumed a level of civility and respect for personal choices would exist along side differing views. It truly surprised me that it didn't. I didn't come to this board with the intent of telling WOHM's they are bad moms or trying to convince them to SAH. Nor did I expect to read how some thought SAHM's were uneducated, didn't work hard, didn't help provide for their kids, etc.

Obviously I am back to participating but have found the thicker skin I referred to and the discernment I lacked at first as to who to ignore and who to respond to. I have been able to come to grips with the fact that I don't have to care what anyone else thinks if I am firmly grounded in my own beliefs. I'm more picky as to what discussions I participate in. I've decided not to waste my time trying to convince someone that what they think I said isn't what I said. I understand some people can't be reasoned with. Now I know differently so I participate differently.

All that said, it is hard not to take things personally when one's personal conviction, belief or decision is being questioned or attacked. It is hard not to take it personally when someone makes a generalized statement about the life I happen to live that is demeaning and totally unfounded.

This was my first experience with a debate board and in the few weeks I've been here I have learned a lot.

If I decide to leave permanently or take another break, be assured I will just slip quietly away into the night.

Cindy




Edited 7/8/2003 7:57:18 PM ET by cindytree

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:00pm
I think open mindedness has a lot to do with it. I've seen A LOT of closed minds come and go on this board. Those with open minds stay. Even if they don't agree, or change their view, they are willing to hear the other side, debate it and then come to the conclusion that they're still right ... lol.

There are times when I tend to debate the debating as much as the topics. In other words, whether I disagree or agree, I'll post a disagreement point out inaccuracies, misrepresentations, hypocrisy, etc .. even if I'm not debating the issue. If soemone makes a point that supports my position, but does so with opinion instead of fact, with false information, with an uninformed viewpoint, with posts poorly worded so that we dont' know what they really mean, etc .. then I'll debate that poster .. even though I support the same side of the issue.

But then, I have a background in debate, lol.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:01pm
Well, Jraph and Roni make most of us tick! rofl

And Syrielle, and mygarnetboy, and mama2gigi ... he he he

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:02pm
You weren't the "goodbye cruel world" reference .. that was a real post that was simply quoted.

Hollie

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:07pm
Ah...wasn't sure because she used my name but I knew that wasn't what I said.

Thanks

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:12pm
I think a lot of it has to do with the ability to separate the debate from self.

I actually did a "goodbye cruel board" post of sorts myself shortly after starting to post here...I had been posting for quite a while on probably THE most supportive support board in the soup, and was used to every post being very, very personal. It wasn't that I thought the posters here were cruel or mean or bitchy...it was just that I was horrified to realize that there were people in the world who would judge my child, not on her own merits, but on their opinion of me.

My goodbye was a bit lame; I simply thanked those who had made me think and laugh, admitted I was dealing with some personal issues that made me a bit raw around the edges, and bowed out. I didn't want to be seen as a hit-and-run, and figured a nice goodbye was the way to go.

Of course, I did this the same day a poster who was known for grand goodbyes made yet ANOTHER dramatic exit, and a little buzz got going on the board, and I felt like a total IDIOT for not just simply stopping posting, because I didn't realize all the "why don't you just LEAVE already, for pete's sake" posts weren't directed at me.

Anyway, due to a couple of very nice posts by some then-regulars, and an email from the then-cl, I decided to give it another go, and haven't looked back. I've outgrown the support boards I posted on then, but keep adding debate boards to the list. And I haven't taken very many posts personally since then, even the ones that were intended to be personal.

Avatar for biancamami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 8:17pm
If you come on this board with a clear and concise argument, with something more than anecdotal evidence to support said argument (although anecdotal evidence does have a very important place in this debate), and with a willingness to listen to the different issues without getting personal & heated, you can really learn a lot from the different 'voices' that emerge in each debate.

I think the problem lies in posters who want this to work like a support board, who see no point in the debate and want the whole thing to shut down with *one* magic 'can we all get along?' post, or who come on with a very STRONG and unbending point of view that they are unable to support in any of the traditional ways in which a debate position is supported. Many of these posters are flabbergasted that their positions and ideals are treated so clinically, dissected so 'heartlessly,' and basically torn to pieces. But that's the nature of this board and if you can't roll with it...well, maybe its not a good idea to post!

I think it takes a certain personality to approach debate with gusto, if you know what I mean. And when someone doesn't have the taste for debate its easy to adopt the whole 'cruel world' mentality. Much easier than to take on each post and argue it intelligently.

Ana

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