What would you give up to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What would you give up to stay home?
1422
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:36am

Hi everyone.

I have always said that staying home is so important to me that I would give up many things to be able to do that. We live in a very small home, I have no jewelry and we buy all our clothes at Walmart. I know that if I went back to work, we could afford more. But I would never trade being at home for a larger house or more luxuries.

However, after reading this board I have started to suspect that there are things I would not want to give up. If I couldn't send my kids to preschool a couple of hours a day, if I couldn't afford any after school activities like ballet lessons or if I could'nt afford any kind of summer program for them, I think I would have to find a way to go back to work. So basically, I'm perfectly happy to deny myself "things." But I would not want to take much away from the kids.

Of course I would probably have to find a new career becuase I could never work the 80 hours a week my old career entailed.

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:41pm

Come on KB. Don't you remember what you said earlier? Let me remind you:

**We are adults. We are supposed to handle what we have to. It's childish to say "I can't handle it". It's just a cop out. It's not you can't, it's you won't or you don't want to. Not a very adult thing do to IMO.

Adults figure out how to handle things. They don't run away from challenges. I can understand it if you're ill or something but if you're not, suck it up. That's what adults do. Men have always done it and we're not any different than them sans a handful of organs.

Having a uterus doesn't determine how your brain works any more than having a penis does. I really don't get "I can't hanle it" well, figure out how to handle it. If it needs to be done, it needs to be done and you're the adult now.**

Seems that only applies to SAHMs, not you or anyone you know personally. Now, I feel for your friend. It's much harder to take care of an adult than it is a child. But, when you make blanket statements like you've done, you should expect someone to call you on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:47pm
It's very likely that the spouse of a SAH make more $$$ (hence their ability to SAH) than the DHs of WOH. So, there's no way that you can say with certainty those families will have less in the long run. Plus, many SAHs only take off 5 years or so and that leaves many years of working for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:47pm

The issue isn't people who save first and then take time off. It's the ones who don't save, have no plan and no idea what they are up against. It's like some people think there is a protective halo around a SAHM. Until the future gets here, as my SIL has discovered.

She and my brother did not save for her to SAH. She just decided she coudln't leave her babies. I remember her telling my brother he was an awful father because he arranged to have her mother watch my neice so he could take her out on their anniversary. We're talking would NOT leave her babies.

They did what they had to to make it work and now that they need to be making up for lost time, his income isn't what is once was and she has no hope of making half of what she made before quitting. She used to be an opthamologist assistant and made a good living. Now she's a receptionist for an opthamologist. Her skills are too old to pick back up where she left off. It will take her years to work back into her old position if she can.

And, FTR, I don't personally have a problem with what others do. I just hate to see women shoot themselves in the foot. Too many times we mortgage our futures for something today. To me, SAH if you haven't saved for it and planned and accounted for the income reduction is akin to running up charge card debt with the intention of paying it off in some distant future. Just not a smart move. There are few things worth going into debt for.

Now, spending money you actually have, that's another story. I'm having to catch myself here. Since I'm ahead of schedule on savings, it's tempting to do some things that I've always wanted to do earlier than planned. I need to remember what I tell my kids here. "We can afford anything we want but we cannot afford everything we want". How to choose, lol.

You know, it's really weird to be thinking about how to spend money instead of how to save it. Not that I won't keep on saving. Just that if I back off for a year and use the funds to do something like take a great vacation I'm not going to derail my plans. It's funny how you get into a mindset and then don't realize that you no longer need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:47pm
I thought it was funny.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:48pm
Same here. I find a lot of security in knowing there is a plan and we're able to follow it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:50pm
Me too. We have a good plan, and we are sticking to it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:50pm

"Plus, many SAHs only take off 5 years or so and that leaves many years of working for them."

Yes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:55pm

Not everyone will regret it but the way regrets work, we can't plan ahead and decide whether or not we're going to have them. However, if we have a good plan and we've considered all the variables, you can reduce the risk you'll regret your decision later. Educated decisions are always better than decisions based on feelings alone. Feelings are often wrong.

My posts aren't intended for those who are planning and saving for their futures, they're for those who don't plan for the future or think they'll just take care of it later without having considered all the variables.

For me, knowing my future income would be reduced and that would make recovering financially from SAH that much harder would be reason enough. By staying in the work force, I ended up with more than I need. Probably because we live well below our means. I've never seen reason to live up to our incomes. Fortunately, I looked at the numbers and not just what I wanted at the moment. It didn't take much for me to realize that SAH would ahve been a poor decision for me.

My SIL, unfortunately, performed no such analysis. She just went with her feelings and figured she'd make up for it later. Returning to work as a receptionist when she used to be the doctor's assistant has been disheartening for her. She just never thought she'd given up anything besides her current income. She gave up her career.

I remember her back then. So confident and able. She seems a shell of herself these days. Very sad indeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:58pm

Dh knows better than to try and even suggest he's "allowing" me to do something, lol.

In this house, we both have the right to decide what we want to do and don't need the other's blessing. With two exceptions. Our 401K's. I don't touch his and he doesn't touch mine. Our investing styles are too different and we'd both be way too nervous if the other one were making investment decisions. He's a gambler and a risk taker. I am not. I go the slow but sure path. I may not have made what he did during the hey day of the stock market but I didn't lose as much as he did when it crashed, er, corrected (what a nice term for you just lost your shirt, lol).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:02pm

The speculation is that it's actually career committment rubbing off on the girls. That's quite logical really. What about mom just having a job would result in higher self esteem? Now, if mom is committed to and successful in a career, that could indeed work to raise a dd's self esteem.

My dd's are immensly proud of the fact I'm an engineer and that I out earn their dad. This is a great source of pride for them. It's not that I work. It's what I do, that I'm successful, committed and able to out earn a man. Somehow, I don't think the effect would be the same if I were a receptionist.

Both of my girls talk, excitedly, about going to college (it's a big deal to them) and what they're going to do for a living. I don't believe this is just because I hold down a job. I think it's more of a reflection of my attitude about working and education both of which are reflected in my choice to WOH.

It would not surprise me in the least to find that the benefit here is limited to dd's of career moms.




Edited 8/8/2006 11:05 pm ET by kbmammm

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