What would you give up to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What would you give up to stay home?
1422
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:36am

Hi everyone.

I have always said that staying home is so important to me that I would give up many things to be able to do that. We live in a very small home, I have no jewelry and we buy all our clothes at Walmart. I know that if I went back to work, we could afford more. But I would never trade being at home for a larger house or more luxuries.

However, after reading this board I have started to suspect that there are things I would not want to give up. If I couldn't send my kids to preschool a couple of hours a day, if I couldn't afford any after school activities like ballet lessons or if I could'nt afford any kind of summer program for them, I think I would have to find a way to go back to work. So basically, I'm perfectly happy to deny myself "things." But I would not want to take much away from the kids.

Of course I would probably have to find a new career becuase I could never work the 80 hours a week my old career entailed.

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:18pm

Take it from a girl who has a masters in Molecular biology and spent 10 years working in research (both at the university level and for private R&D), there are plenty of "egos" in science!

But you are right about the co-operating part - there is this underlying understanding that labs must co-operate and share info. in order to advance. But I have also seen some scientists refust to "share" data unless it was first published and they had received recognition for the discovery. Once you get your name (first author) on that paper and its published - then you are willing to share! LOL

Josee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:20pm

You dont think marriage is for life? Does your DH know this? Your posts really are starting to make sense if that's what you believe. I'd wanna be super prepared too if I didnt have faith in my marriage.

I still stand by my assertion that you are not debating SAH, but financial planning. And thanks for your concern, but my family does pretty well financially :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:25pm
It makes perfect sense and actually I completely agree actually. I'm having trouble explaining myself but the happiness I'm thinking of is a more like long term well being. I wouldn't make major decisions based on my childrens' whims but I feel that my entire family, including my children, are happier becuase I have been home with them. That happiness is part of why I stay home.
Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:33pm
Yup, I've seen plenty of that. But I've seen that come back to haunt people as well. Scientists who get a reputation for hording data and always demanding first authorship (or last authorship) on papers tend to get less and less included in good collaborations over time. In the long run, that can hurt one's standing and chances for really good research. Dh and I have both worked at the university level and in R&D. We're both in biotechs now where publishing isn't nearly as critical (but I think I might be able to get a paper out this year, fingers crossed!). Good skills in the art of cooperation, however, still are. Things just don't get done otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:37pm
Actually, DH and I are both lawyers, when I was working I made more money then he did. It was never an issue between us. Now, that I am a SAHM, the fact that I am also a lawyer is a huge benefit to both of us. I'm interested in his work and can discuss it with him intelligently and we collaborate often. Also, I have total understanding for the long hours he has to work. Unfortunately, many legal spouses don't realize that the hours are part of the gig and start feeling and showing resentment for the time that the spouse is away. We never have that issue. We are competative with each other in other areas though. He usually beats me at games but I often beat him in debates.
Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:52pm

I simply see no partcular good SAH does over WOH and nothing anyone has posted here has convinced me otherwise. Nothing I've read in research convinces me otherwise. Nothing I've seen IRL convinces me otherwise.

Unfortunately, the stats for older women living in poverty speak for themselves. We need to plan for our futures.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:54pm
It's mentioned in the Michigan study. The only studies I've seen on line regarding maternal employment and gender ideas are subscription only.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 6:57pm
As long as my children are well cared for, I'll make decisions based on what is best for our family. About the only way I would SAH would be if good care was unavailable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:13pm

So what does she do with her mother?

One issue she's had, when she has dated, is that men don't want their mother in law living with them and it's a package deal. This is not her choice. She has no choice, unless she's a heartless witch that is and she's not. She's a good person. Which is why she supports and takes care of her mom but that takes most of her time and money.

What do you propose she do? Throw her mother into the street? The woman can't pay for her medications let alone put a roof over her own head. Where do we find this prince charming who is ready, willing and able to support and care for his mother in law?

While couples do care for aging parents, it's easier because there are two of them and they grow into the relationship. They don't sign up for it while dating. Her mother as part of the deal has been a deal breaker for relationships for her. If they don't leave because they think she spends too much time with/on her mother it's because they don't want to have to take on the support and care of her mother.

And then there's her mother's need for a sterile environment. That would be a tough one with kids in the picture. Exactly how hard is she supposed to make her life? Would you marry someone in this situation? Would you sign up to your future income going to pay for medications and a roof over you future mother in laws head?

She's screwed. In more ways than one, unfortunately. When her mom needed a liver transplant, they could use either of her sister's livers. Since she will have no children, I don't think she's getting a transplant when it's her turn. They said if her mother had had to wait for a cadaver transplant she would have died waiting.

My friend is taking steps to delay the inevetable but it is inevetable. Their condition attack the liver. She can expect to need a liver transplant before she's 60. So prince charming is also signing up to having a wife on anti rejection drugs who must live in a sterile environment after his MIL who requires all of this passes on. Oh yeah, I can see them lining up out the door, oh wait, that's running out the door.

It might have been different if she'd been in an established relationship when her mom became ill (actually, she was but that relationship just turned sour after she moved back in with her mom) and her partner was helping her but that's not the case for her.

Sorry but I gave up believing in fairy tales when I was about 6.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:17pm

You live in a different world than me. There's no way I could toss my mom out into the street no matter how sucky the situation was for me.

Had she been married, I have no idea what would have happened. It would depend on how much her husband were willing to tolerate her doing or help with. He might do what most of hte men she's dated over the past few years have done and left. He might stay and help. However, I do know my friend would not toss her mother into the street. How she'd manage working to support herself, her mom and kids while taking care of her mom and kids, I don't know. Knowing her, she'd do it though. She's one capable lady. What she's been through and managed amazes me.

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