What would you give up to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What would you give up to stay home?
1422
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:36am

Hi everyone.

I have always said that staying home is so important to me that I would give up many things to be able to do that. We live in a very small home, I have no jewelry and we buy all our clothes at Walmart. I know that if I went back to work, we could afford more. But I would never trade being at home for a larger house or more luxuries.

However, after reading this board I have started to suspect that there are things I would not want to give up. If I couldn't send my kids to preschool a couple of hours a day, if I couldn't afford any after school activities like ballet lessons or if I could'nt afford any kind of summer program for them, I think I would have to find a way to go back to work. So basically, I'm perfectly happy to deny myself "things." But I would not want to take much away from the kids.

Of course I would probably have to find a new career becuase I could never work the 80 hours a week my old career entailed.

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:20pm
Read through the posts. There was one discussion where a SAHM talked about how her kids would take care of her because they took care of them. She was supported by others who thought this was perfectly ok arrangement. This is my friend's moms attitude as well. I don't go over there anymore because sooner or later, I'd say something. Unfortunately, that has reduced our friendship to a phone call every other month because my friend has neither the time nor the money to go out and do anything. I wish she wasn't too proud to let me treat but she is. If anyone needs a night out, it's her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:22pm
Yup. I wouldn't have chosen it if it didn't fit who I am. I don't know if it defines me or if it's simply an expression of who I am but it's part of how I want my life. I identify with it. I AM an engineer. It's as much a part of me as saying I AM a mom. It just is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:32pm

Her mom has an autoimmune disorder that led to the need for the liver transplant and, I assume other things. From what I understand it's in the same disease class as Lupus. She has a host of medical problems. That's just the most severe and limiting of them. I know she's diabetic (was long before the liver transplant) and has high blood pressure as well. I'm not sure what else she has going on.

I think for much of her life, her mom could have worked but she didn't. Now she's old and sick and can't . So, as it's been for all of her life, someone else takes care of her.

It's been several years since she had her liver transplant and the condition she has is attacking the transplanted liver just like it did her own. I'm not really sure but I'm going to guess that the need for a sterile environment is due to the combination of the auto immune disorder and the liver transplant. I've known people who were able to resume pretty much normal lives after a transplant.

Her life is basically working to support her mom and going home to take care of her. Sadly, she's looking at her future right now. I hope there's a special place in heaven for people like her.




Edited 8/10/2006 7:37 pm ET by kbmammm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:35pm

Well, if research cannot say that women should absolutely do one over the other because one is better, than its up to women to use their hearts in this matter, which is what they should be doing anyway. I beleive that is why many women here SAH..

My mother was a SAH for 10 years. She worked a little temp work here and there before but got FT work when I was 10. And she was a secretary. I never thought less of her because she might not be that educated as some. She was my mother, I love her and which is why I supported her a little, financially, when I was in college (My parents divorced when I was 13 - and it was not because she was not pulling her weight - my parents realized that they were just no longer compatible and parted very amicably) I was happy to support her because she is my mother. She may not be rich now but she can support herself. Even though now she is working in retail clothing outlets.

It's not what are parents do for a living that will determine how a child turns out - its what they teach us. And they taught us we could be what we wanted to be. I do not have less respect for my mother because she earned a lot less than my father. She works hard, and NEVER regretted her SAH years.

How many ppl live in North America (US and CANADA)? 350 mil? How many of those are married women with kids? Less than half? 120 mil? it's hard to say that women should not SAH because research says it just doesnt matter and they risk being poor and divorced when they are older. You are right it wouldn't be fair to have them support me 100% as I get older, but I would hope they would want to be near me and if something should happen and I need help, want to help me.

And we cannot be the exception to the rule (based on all the researches) because family and life are like babies, no 2 are the same and whatever book you buy that tells you what to expect, it will never cover your baby even 50%. It can only guide you with what might happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:36pm
No, our hearts have nothing to do with this decision. It's up to us to use our brains.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:37pm
Hearts have nothing to do with children?????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:40pm
Is that what I said? I don't think so. I said hearts should have nothing to do with this decision. Children do fine either way here. This is a decision to make with your brain. As in can you afford the cost of SAH or are the benefits of working worth hanging on to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:43pm

Anything is worth it for my children. The damage to my stomach muscles and figure, the pain of delivering them, the slight loss in income, not having seen a movie in 2 years or gone out to dinner.

I'm sorry, I cannot post to this anymore - i'm running the risk of having my posts removed if I do.

I bet many mothers here would tell you hearts factor in quite a bit. If I had to be so logical with my children all the time , i might run the risk of them being distant when they get older, like what happned with DH, his brother and sister and their father.

You posted that fast too, did you get a chance to read what I said? my point was my mother did all the things you warn against, and me and my brother are fine, and we still love her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:44pm

I totally forgot that she had said the men she worked with wanted their wives to work. I've noticed other contradictions, but missed that one.

Good point!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:45pm

The operative word is HIRED. That takes money. Her mother doesn't have any and neither does she.

It would be a good compromise if the money were there but it's not. The only real alternative it for her to put her mom into a nursing home that medicaid would pay for and I've seen places medicaid will pay for. They're no place to put anyone.

A support group is a good suggestion. She does seem to have trouble getting to about the third date. She gets first dates no problem, usually a second but then they just seem to go away. Unfortunately, she's almost 40 so time is running out for her if she's to have a family. Plus I'm not sure what the implications would be for a late in life pregnancy with her having the same condition as her mother. She's not sick with it yet but it's only a matter of time before she is. I never bring it up and neither does she but she may be past the point of being able to consider having kids. At 40 it's a pretty good bet she wouldn't be able to anyway.

Maybe she'll never have kids but, who knows, if she did get into a support group, she just might meet someone.

Thanks.

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