What would you give up to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What would you give up to stay home?
1422
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:36am

Hi everyone.

I have always said that staying home is so important to me that I would give up many things to be able to do that. We live in a very small home, I have no jewelry and we buy all our clothes at Walmart. I know that if I went back to work, we could afford more. But I would never trade being at home for a larger house or more luxuries.

However, after reading this board I have started to suspect that there are things I would not want to give up. If I couldn't send my kids to preschool a couple of hours a day, if I couldn't afford any after school activities like ballet lessons or if I could'nt afford any kind of summer program for them, I think I would have to find a way to go back to work. So basically, I'm perfectly happy to deny myself "things." But I would not want to take much away from the kids.

Of course I would probably have to find a new career becuase I could never work the 80 hours a week my old career entailed.

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:59pm

Actually, not if you delve into the why's behind the what. Then you can answer the question of how you expect things to play out in your life. They also tell us what to look out for.

For example, 10/11 year old higher performing kids, who are advantaged, have been found to score lower on performance tests than do their peers with a SAHM. First, you have to decide, are my kids advantaged. Do they have an educated mom, do we have higher SES, has their father been in the household since they were born and are we no minorities (for some reason this effect is not seen for minoirties). Second, you look at the possible reasons for this difference. In this case, the fact they don't see this difference in lower performing kids leads the researchers to think that WM's compensate more for lower performing kids and, perhaps, consider the higher performing kids more able and don't. (Another possibility is that SAHM's may have a tendency to have more of their ego invested in their kids and may see the higher performing child as a kind of validation and encourage them more.)

So, does this result mean I need to quit my job? I'm higher SES (but wouldn't be if I quit) but I am educated, I'm not a minority and my children's father has been present since they were born. Or should I just make it a point to spend a little more time working with my higher performing children? Or perhaps I can chalk this one up to the mommy olympics and forget it.

In my case, the loss in SES isn't worth what would be gained if we could gain it through my quitting and I can just as easily get the same result by working with my kids a little more. What this says is that if I would remain higher SES if I SAH, my kids might be at an advantage if I SAH. The speculation here is that edcuated higher SES mothers might provide a more enriching environment than is available in day care (or maybe it's the mommy olympics). So, what I really need to do is compare the enrichment level of our home to that of day care and with me home on a limited budget, day care wins which really means I just joined the mommy olympics if that turns out to be the driving force beind this difference, lol.

Research tells us what to look at in our own lives and where to compensate. Sometimes, it tells us to make a change but you really need to get into the why behind the what before you use it to make any decisions and then it's just a best odds decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:05pm

You do realize I work with more than one man, right? They range from men who want their wives to work to men who don't believe women should work at all. We've got a couple of throw backs to the 1950's too. It's sad how they treat their families. Makes me wonder why thier wives stay.

We have some who never say anything. Some who are vocal about not being happy the way things are. If my boss walks in while the subject is being discussed, he just grabs his coffee, shakes his head and says "I just want peace when I get home", lol.

There are a whole lot of people with a whole lot of different attitudes where I work. However, I have never heard one man sing the praised of his SAHM wife. We do have a guy whose wife SAH but they have no kids who does. He loves having her home. She does a lot of volunteer work he's very proud to make possible. They're both very big into community service.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:07pm

But what are you gaining by SAH FOR your kids? That's the point. It doesn't do anything for them. That's why it's not a decision of the heart but rather a decision of the brain. It's not about how I feel but rather what will work best both now and in the long one for any of a thousand reasons. My feelings have nothing to do with this because SAH/WOH aren't going to change how my kids turn out therefore, they are not for the kids.

As to risking being distant if you're locigal about deciding things like financial matters...I don't get it. What does being logical about what really amounts to a financial decision have to do with being disant with your kids? I can make decisions based on logic where the outcome is the same for my kids with, well, no difference to my kids. If decisions are based on emotion, how do kids learn to be logical about things. Will you tell your 15 yo to follow her heart when her heart is telling her to sleep with her boyfriend or will you use logic to try and persuade her not to?

The heart isn't right just because it's the heart.




Edited 8/10/2006 8:11 pm ET by kbmammm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:11pm

I can't explain it to you if you do not understand that it's not a monetary gain we SAH moms get. It's not something tangible or something that can be weighed in what I get out of it or they get out of it. The SAH moms here will understand me. Even the WOH moms here who had SAH at one point. My kids do not get a higher IQ out of me working or staying at home. It's all about heart here, IMHO... and not something you can describe.

It's a lifestyle preference is all I can get out of it, and no research can tell me I'm wasting my time, and my kids will turn out better if I worked at the 3 month stage. I should say I plan to work when they are in school. Many SAH moms dont SAH for their entire life. When my girls are old enough to realize what I do, I will be working. They will be in school anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:14pm

>>"As to risking being distant if you're locigal about deciding things like financial matters...I don't get it. What does being logical about what really amounts to a financial decision have to do with being disant with your kids? I can make decisions based on logic where the outcome is the same for my kids with, well, no difference to my kids. If decisions are based on emotion, how do kids learn to be logical about things. Will you tell your 15 yo to follow her heart when her heart is telling her to sleep with her boyfriend or will you use logic to try and persuade her not to?

The heart isn't right just because it's the heart. "<<

Telling a 15 year old to follow their heart and sleep with their boyfriend is a totally rediculous and absurd analogy. Parents will follow their own heart here and tell their child that it's a risky decision, and yes, I should tell my DD that in their heart, do they feel ready, are they ready for the risks.

SAH at the early years and telling your child its ok to have sex are nothing alike. women SAH the early years because they want to and they love to do it. You are trying to compare it to somthing unrelated.

And I plan for my financial future out of love too, not just cause it's logical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:23pm

If her mom had been say a WOHM who didnt earn much, or just spent all the money she made instead of saving it, would you still be pitying your friend so much? You do know that WOH doesnt always, or even MOST of the time guarantee being independently wealthy, right? Any WOHM who doesnt earn a lot, or doesnt save well could find themselves in exactly the same situation as your friend's mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:23pm

Actually, what the Michigan study says about the attitudes of sons of SAHM's toward women, according to the link you posted, is this:

"Sons and daughters of employed mothers have less traditional gender-role attitudes. . . For boys, employment status was not related to the measure of women's competence to do male activities. On the other hand, in two-parent families, both sons and daughters of employed mothers felt that men could do the female activities, while those with full-time homemakers did not, but this was true only in two-parent families."

You cannot conclude from this paragraph that sons of SAHM's view women as "less equal" to men--in fact, it is quite evident from this research that sons of SAHM's in two-parent families feel their mothers are capable of performing activities traditionally associated with either gender.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:31pm

Amazing, isn't it?

As I've read more and more of her posts, it's gotten to where I vacilate between pity and anger. There has to be something behind her absolute hatred of SAH. I feel sorry for her chidren if she is as cold as she portrays.

One thing I've noticed is that none of the WOHs here seem to be supporting her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:35pm

I dont know if she realizes, many of us who do SAH, do eventually WOH too... maybe at age 3 or 5... but not everyone is SAH all our lives. We are not worthless members of society, and there is life after kids.

We do not necessarily sacrifice, except maybe for waistlines, we postpone things.

I equate heart with love... and we all do things out of love, include plan financially. Not just cause it's a good idea, but because we want the best for our children...

I'm just confused by her answers sometimes. I see her logic, but sometimes I just can't understand the hard reasoning behind it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 8:50pm
The usual debate is to say there are pros and cons of both SAH/WOH. But, you rarely come across someone who so adamently opposes a mother staying at home with her children. Some of what she says *is* logical, but so much of it is just plain outlandish. I can't get past the feeling that maybe she would like to SAH, but can't. (And is taking out her frustrations on us ;0)).

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