What would you give up to stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What would you give up to stay home?
1422
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:36am

Hi everyone.

I have always said that staying home is so important to me that I would give up many things to be able to do that. We live in a very small home, I have no jewelry and we buy all our clothes at Walmart. I know that if I went back to work, we could afford more. But I would never trade being at home for a larger house or more luxuries.

However, after reading this board I have started to suspect that there are things I would not want to give up. If I couldn't send my kids to preschool a couple of hours a day, if I couldn't afford any after school activities like ballet lessons or if I could'nt afford any kind of summer program for them, I think I would have to find a way to go back to work. So basically, I'm perfectly happy to deny myself "things." But I would not want to take much away from the kids.

Of course I would probably have to find a new career becuase I could never work the 80 hours a week my old career entailed.

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 11:28am
That passage you quoted looks more like an endorsment for taking a vow of poverty than an endorsment of SAHM. The early Christians favored an ascetic lifestyle that would make the mild "sacrifices" of clipping coupons and not eating at restaurants much seem pretty lavish in comparison. Some SAHMS do speak of sacrifice to make SAHM possible, but the vibe I get is that this is merely to make it possible- not because they think asceticism is preferable. Were their husbands to get a very large raise, they would not beseech him to turn it down on the grounds that it would allow them to go the non-ascetic route of storing up treasures on earth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:53pm

I say again, if your friend's mother is too poor to pay for her own care, she should avail herself of medicaid. She should be in a hospital or nursing home paid for by medicaid. Trust me, they are as clean as anyone can reasonably make a house. As another poster stated, taking off shoes doesn't keep a house clean. There is no such thing as a sterile environment outside of a bubble.

Your friend made a choice to martyr herself to care for her mom. Her siblings did not make that choice. If she had already been married with children, her mother would have had to find a way. I too know a woman coming up on age 40 who has given her life to caring for her mother with early onset Altzheimers. We all respect her and sympathize with her but we are also aware thta other choices existed.

To blame your friend's sad life on the fact that her mother cared for her when she was a child is absolultely rediculous.

Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:55pm
So you have basically abandoned your dear friend, who is suffering and who you respect more then anything becuase you are unable to keep your mouth shut? What kind of friend are you? If, as you say, your friend has no choice, what would spouting off accomplish? Do you really feel the need to simply berate a sick old lady?
Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:03pm

"The only real alternative it for her to put her mom into a nursing home that medicaid would pay for and I've seen places medicaid will pay for. They're no place to put anyone."

Absolutely rediculous and untrue. That is as unrealistic as saying that all daycare facilites are institutional holding pens where babies lie unatended in their own filth. I've heard that claim made about daycare by the way.

My family and I did an enormous amount of investigation before my grandfather went into a nursing home. He has late stage altzheimers which is very difficult to care for. The place we found is very decent and homey. It is a mix of medicaid and private pay. It is not a dump or a pit and certainly not something one should sacrifice their entire life to avoid.

As a side note, your friend has plenty of time to have children if she considers adoption. Just like there are many ways to balence work and family, there are many ways to create families.

Your friend just isn't trying.

Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:18pm

"i think there are certainly positives to sah, but i think most of them are positives for the mom or even the family as a whole, but i havent seen one positive of sah that influences only the kids."

Doesn't all this really come down to the quality of childcare? Children, especially infants, can't possibly care whether the person who cares from them is mommy or some other loving, attentive person. I have no doubt that my children would have been just as happy being watched by any of their grandparents or by a fabulous Nanny. The children need love and care, not necessarily from mommy.

In my opinion, sah, especially in the infant years, benefits the children because if you are doing the care, you can be completely certain of the quality of that care. The idea of putting a helpless infant, unable to exrpess or defend itself, into the care of a relative stranger is frightening. That being said, I know many families who have found that great care and their children thrived.

So in my mind their was a huge benefit to me in staying home with my infants becuase I loved doint it. There was a potential benefit to my children becuase I was certain of the quality of care.

Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:43pm

>>i think most of them are positives for the mom<<


I'll be sure to inform my family tonight at dinner that only I am allowed to enjoy the positives of DH SAHing with our daughter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:21pm
Were your children good sleepers?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:47pm

Totally agree.

I want to know why it is so important that SAH justify staying home?

Is there a positive of WOH that benefits the kids only? (Just wondering why that's so important for SAH, but not WOH?) Other than the financial benefit, the positives of WOH seem to mostly for the WOHD/M also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:56pm
And we will make the decisions based on what is best for our family. That includes making sure our children are well cared for. At this point in my children's lives, the only way I would WOH is if we needed the money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 10:20pm

When was the last time you priced out nursing homes? The nice ones cost money that my friend does not have to spend. You get what you pay for and medicaid doesn't pay much. You can pay the difference, if you have the money, if you wish.

Unfortunately, I've had the unfortunate experience of having to help find a nursing home that would take only what medicaid paid for two people now. Choices are very limited and not good. I love the place my step mother lived in but that's way more than just what medicaid will pay for.

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