When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:00pm
Hey, they had product placements then, too....don't you remember all the Pepsi placements in Back to the Future?

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:02pm
You *do* realize that attempting to interject logic is futile with this poster, right?

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 1:30pm
Yes but it wasn't nearly as obnoxious as it is now. Product placement then was a can of pop on the table in the background or a type of candy eaten by an alien. Now it is the product people suggesting a storyline to a reality show or a drama to have the whole show revolve around their product. They won't be needing traditional commercials soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:00pm
I do agree and I feel it is very healthy and wise for a ped to ask questions and inform young teen girls in an unbiased fashion, however, i have to laugh. my dd is almost 21 and our ped sees the kids through college, but dd at this point goes to an obgyn for her "girl problems", however, she has had issues that are private and not necessarily obgyn and when i told her to call the ped and just talk to him for his advice as to what avenue to take, she said, "but mom, hes like my dad. i cant tell him". LOL. i had to laugh. my kids have had the same ped since the day they were born and absolutely love him. at this point he is almost 60yo, and they look at him as a dad or grandfather more than an unbiased doctor. i guess dd is pretty much done with him.... :-(

i do however, still get to see him(tomorrow as a matter of fact) as my youngest has to have his physical to swim.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:07pm
I have to jump in here. I havent read every single post, but from what I have read, I am gathering you are against peds discussing sexual issues with young teenagers? If this is true, i have to adamantly disagree with you, as children are born with genitals as well as eyes, a digestive system, ears, arms legs etc. the ped is not an eye doctor, but checks their eyes. not an ent but checks ears, noses and throats. why shouldnt a ped ask general question *especially* when they are 16. soooooo many kids are sexually active by then, or thinking about it and the pediatrician imo is the perfect person to discuss this with, as they are a nuetral person as well as knowledgable. Many, many kids keep it to themselves as it is not well received by parents when they share their ideas of sex usually. How exactly does a parent decide when to take their dd to the obgyn, without knowing what is going on with their dds, and dont tell me about lines of communication, yadah, yadah. teenagers are extremely closed mouthed about lots of things, including the best of teenagers no matter how open the lines of communications are between they and their parents.

i dont know if i did the right things with my children, but they seemed to be ok. whenever they saw the ped or anytime for that matter, i encouraged my kids to talk to he or another medical person, counselor if they had questions they were afraid to ask me. im not sure they were ever afraid to ask anything, as i have been asked by my children what a bj is, and how do you do 69 standing up.....(blush!) I think also, if we let our children know we are knowledgable about even the taboo things(whenever they come up), and dont react with shock or surprise, they are more apt to come to us. jmho

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:16pm
I can tell you in my dd's case, our ped asked general questions, ie: trouble with periods, sexually active, pain in her breasts(as they were developing)etc, and depending on her answers, he referred her to the obgyn. he doesnt delve into the details, but i would think it is his job to obtain certain information as to safeguard against "things going wrong"(for lack of another term right now). he is there to monitor their general health and that includes questions of the sexual nature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:08pm
Did you miss that I do exercise regularly? My hubby exercises regularly? I stated in more than one post that we go to the gym here in our apartment complex regularly, I go to three aerobics classes that my sister teaches weekly, and I go to a couple yoga classes. My sister teaches teh aerobics & has a home gym. She is the mother of 6 beautiful kids. They don't limit tv, they are allowed a daily dose of junk foods & soft drinks. They usually have a picnic lunch & do some of their studying (she homeschools) outdoors. They do plenty of recreational things. My hubby & I do recreational things, we don't totally stay home in front of the tv & I didn't say we did. When we are home the tv is on constantly and we do watch far more than most people. Far more than Paige admitted to watching. We do eat dinner at 10:30-11 at night. The last 3 wks we have both been on vacation and we've been eating more around midnight. We all 3 (yes, the baby does that is why we can) sleep really late. So eating late isn't a huge thing, we just run our lives at opposite hours of the day than other people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:09pm
69!! Wow, you and your children have a very close relationship! Which is enviable. Like I said earlier, I have a few yrs to mull this over and hopefully will have a better feel for things as my children grow up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:15pm
Still waiting...Guess it's easier to criticize than contribute. Perhaps you're just going to punt and leave it up to your DH because he's a dr. and why should a boy get a woman's perspective on the whole issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:36pm
Oh, no. Not the pity question. After criticizing me above that I am sexually frigid, irrationally untrustworthy of adult caregivers and (perhaps your meanest criticism to date) that I'm still no better than a New Yorker, you craft a question arguably unfavorable to wohms that begs for a "yes." I cannot understand your way of thinking.

Sahms and wohms both change innumberable diapers. That's not the issue. The issue is if I need a Pap smear, I go to the dr. who does countless ones. Perhaps people here are intimidated by drs. or afraid of offending a pediatrician or something.

I really don't understand how anyone could disagree with the way I go about choosing drs, so I'm having a hard time with absolutely everyone here disagreeing with me!


Edited 8/19/2004 9:45 pm ET ET by luvthebabes

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