When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:48pm
>>And I also am not worried that I am being wholly naive in thinking children can wait until college to see an OB/GYN for a full-on pelvic exam, don't you?<<

It's not wholly naive to think they can wait until college to see an OB/GYN so long as your girls wait until college to become sexually active.

And if you think they'll wait until then, I think THAT'S naive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:04pm
I could be behind the times but isn't the current recomendation for the first pelvic 18 years of age or when sexual activity begins? Some start college at 18, so perhaps that perspective isn't naive. I really hope my girls will wait until at least then to become sexually active but if they do before they will feel safe coming to me, if I have done my job.~Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:14pm
It's great that your experience w/ OB/GYNs was/is good -- that they take the time to discuss issues surrounding sexual health. However, often, OB/GYNs have the "surgeon" mentality (sorry to any surgeons to out there for this gross generalization) -- the attitude of --tell me what I need to "fix" and I'll leave the "talking" to the internist. I think the issues surrounding one's sexual health and wellbeing may be more cut and dry for adults (how do I get pregnant, how do I treat my yeast infection, etc.) but not so for adolescents. For them, the discussion is much more about what "sex" means to them, what kind of pressure they feel, the role of peers, issues surrounding body image, etc. These are issues that OB/GYNs tend to be less "interested" (again, sorry to any out there for this generalization) in taking the time to discuss vs. a pediatrician.

But, it depends on what you feel is the purpose of that discussion. If what you want is the pelvic exam and discussion about how to avoid STDs and not go into a discussion about the emotional aspects, then you may be wise in choosing a particular OB/GYN who's style isn't to discuss those things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:25pm
I think that's still the recommendation.

My point was that IMO it is naive to think that your children will wait until age 18 to become sexually active. So waiting until they start college to have them start seeing an OB/GYN might meet the 18 YO recommendation, but might be too late for the "when sexual activity begins" recommendation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:27pm
Okay, I see your point. It makes perfect sense.:-)~Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:48pm
Exactly. I explained masturbation in similar circumstances. *That* was an awfully fun conversation! :)

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:01pm
The problem you & I have is we don't see our eating habits as bad. Nor the use of unlimited tv. You have a problem with it. We don't. Why should we change to suit some internet person? Or even if we knew you in real life why should we change? We should't, we won't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:03pm
Like I said below, dont bring your personal life choices into a debate if you dont want them to be debated. Obviously the fact that you eat unhealthy food on a regular basis hits a nerve with you. Otherwise you'd give it a rest. I dont care what you do. Just dont try to call your eating habits healthy.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:06pm
Did you think that the way we eat & live we feel is healthy, is good? Maybe Paige & her husband feel the same way? You can't understand that, can y ou? Because your opinion is different & there yes, are facts out there, studies that says we should be eating organic seaweed & drinking soy milk, avoiding sugars, caffeine, and colas you think we all buy in to that? All live that way? Bull________ . Get over it. We are all not going to turn off the tube from running 10 hours straight, throw out the fried catfish, and toss the cherry cola. Give it up Dj, give it up. This is one thing you can't win over others, the power to tell them how they should eat, how much tv they should or shouldn't watch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:13pm
Does NOT hit a nerve with me. I don't give a crap what you think about it! My hubby just went out to grab steaks to fry up for dinner late tonight. Yummmy! As I said below, I debated in school on the team and was darn good at it. I debate at several other boards on other web sites. This is nothing new to me. What I eat, the fact I may watch 12 or 14 hours of tv a day is the way I LOVE LIFE! You are the one that it hits a NERVE with! lol Maybe we think they are healthy. Because you don't agree doesn't change my opinion, ya know!

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