When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
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Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:48pm
Thanks. I just dont understand how it came to be that I was accused of being judgemental of those who are overweight, when I never even discussed weight. I think a person can be heavier than what the *charts* say and still be healthy, just as I think a thin person can be unhealthy. But I refuse to pretend that eating garbage food on a regular basis is anything but unhealthy. I dont claim perfection when it comes to eating habits, but at least I am *aware* of what I put in my mouth and TRY to make healthy choices.

And like I posted about my dh above, he is the perfect example of exercise not necessarily being enough when it comes to health.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:00pm
I hear you. I made a comment about what I perceived to be gross food choices and if I ate like that I'd have a huge butt. That set off a lot of angry posts and got stretched way out of context. I find it interesting that people can offer opinions on any subject but if you say you think fried food is gross then you are an insensitive, fat phobe. Someone even made a comment about how funny it would be to throw a scale out the window and hit a skinny jogger in the mouth and how funny it would be, yet no one got upset with that comment. Someone even called felicia a not very nice name and that went unnoticed too. Where are all the naysayers when someone is very obviously insulting someone else? It's okay though because thin women in good shape are fair game apparently. I know what you meant. I just think it got twisted to suit a few insecure people.~Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:03pm

Well having two boys, no I don't think you can punt the issue,

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:13pm
>>Taking your reasoning a step further, then a pelvic at age 18 is too late and I'm just being naive. Would you advocate a pelvic at start of menstruation, say age 12, when hormones in girls start raging which means they may possibly become sexually active then?<<

I'd actually probably start taking my girl to a OB/GYN at 15 or 16. Even if they told me they weren't sexually active yet.

>>If the ped. is not doing an exam anyway, and she and I are giving the same info, I just don't see where I'm being naive. What will the ped. say about sex to a 12-yr-old that I'm not saying?<<

The problem I have with your reasoning is this: You don't want your ped to deal with sex issues w/your girls b/c their OB/GYN will deal with it. But you won't start taking your girls to an OB/GYN until they start college (age 18). So who is helping them deal with sex issues UNTIL age 18? Just you?

Having been a teenage girl who had sex before age 18 I never once went to my mother about it. When one of my paps came back abnormal and I had to have it looked into further, THEN I told my mom. This was about 4 years after I lost my virginity and 2 years after I started taking the pill. She was surprised that I had been going to an OB/GYN on my own b/c she hadn't really thought it necessary for me to see one. This coming from a woman who waited until she was married to have sex so I guess she thought I would do this too.

>>Is the only difference that my girls may feel more comfortable telling a ped. that they've seen evidence of an STD?<<

Maybe . . . but like I've said, very often there is NO evidence of an STD for women. The only way to "catch" it is if you have tests run when you have your annual exam.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:16pm
Do you have the script as I feel that conversation is coming up very soon with ds1?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:20pm
I'm not in denial.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:20pm
<> I'm not convinced a child will address wet dreams with his ped. any more easily than with his mother or father. Like I said earlier, ALF3's DD said the same - it's the ick factor when a child is with a ped. I had the ick factor with my ped.

<> I'm not sure who boys see when they outgrow pediatricians. But I just don't see too much about sex that a ped. knows that I do not and that I cannot talk to my son about. The whole post began with criticism of my wanting my ped. to not discuss sex with my girls. Unless there's a medical problem, I really don't see it as a pediatrician's role to discuss sex with my children. I'm almost certain any discussion about prevention of STDs, pregnancy, the power issues associated with teen sex (i.e., the whole oral sex and teens issue) is something my children will have to listen to from me. I just hope I don't start the discussions when my children are too young because I have some real opinions about the issue of girls and power and oral sex in the teen yrs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:22pm
I'm not denying medical data. I have read it. I know it is there. That it exists.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:22pm

Dumb question...but did you have sex education in middle or high school?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:25pm
If you aren't denying medical data, can you share how you are integrating it into your lifestyle choices?~Lisa

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