When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 6:50pm
>>old habits, addiction, and other more psychologically technical terms.<<

I haven't heard coconutpalms use any of those terms as the reason she eats how she does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:23pm

Ladies,


I'm just cruising through and noticed that your discussions about food, dietary choices, exercise, etc. have gone through varying degrees of

Kathy Senior Community Moderator

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:11pm
Im sure it was. The bottom line is, you as a concerned parent simply have to bite the bullet and go in straight, as the kids *will* find out, and personally, i am concerned as to how and who they find out from, so even if it is uncomfortable, it is imo, one of the *only* ways a parent can provide them with facts in a healthy, unscathed fashion. the other way would be to send them to the ped for an explanation, and im sure my ped would love me calling him unpteen times a week to explain things to my kids. and frankly, it wasnt as painful as it sounds, if they are asking, they are usually ready for an answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:16pm
If i may offer my two cents to go along cyducksmom, you just tell the facts without embellishment. no opinions, no expression, and try to say it as gracefully as one can concerning such issues. LOL. i always felt like "who is raising whom, here?", as learning to parent is about as tough as growing up and learning the ropes!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:31pm
This was back about 3 yrs ago. He made ff w/brown gravy the other evening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:32pm
Yes. Where did I deny that????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:33pm
We were trying to change. We hated it. Bored with eating, started skipping meals.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:36pm
We didn;t like the moderation. Tried that before we went entirely back to our preference..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:37pm
Funny you should mention this *today*!! I had my almost 17yo to the ped today for his annual physical, and this is how it works. we both go back together, he gets weighed and measured. while he is out having his eyes and ears checked the ped comes in, and we say our hello's, how are the other kids, how is kenny, i ask, anymore grandchildren? got a big birthday coming up, and then kenneth comes back. dr asks him a couple of general questions, asks me a few things, and then kicks me out. i protested and said i want to watch(LOL, JK about wanting to watch!!), and they both said BYE!! the exam takes place, and kenneth and dr have a private conversation. kenneth is kicked out and i go back. I said, "so what did kenneth tell you", he said, im not telling you what he said, but what do you have you want to discuss. i told him any issues and concerns i have, and then we expand on how i feel about things, how kenneth feels and handles things, and what the "mood" with kenneth is in general. we laugh a little bit about the humerous aspects of raising children, and say our goodbyes.

so i get private time and so does ds. it is very professional, even when i try to undermine it(joke, i dont really try, but just keep the ped on his toes.....its my job), and it is a thorough exam physically and verbally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:37pm
I don;t think it is invalid. We just choose differently. Neve said otherwise.

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