When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 4:05pm
If you arent denying medical data, then you are obviously aware that it is accurate. You are choosing not to incorporate the medical data that you know is true into your lives, right? So you *DO* completely understand that the food choices you make are not healthy ones. Got it.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 4:48pm
Why does a parent have to be present at the ped exam? I have already volunteered to leave the room for my 7 year old if she wants to talk to her doctor alone. She hasn't taken me up on it but I am trying to lay the groundwork for the day she does want an "outside" opinion on her body.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 4:57pm
We have tried some things. Just haven't found anything we liked.

I don't see it as limiting. I've tried it, I don't like it, I'm not going to eat it.

We like to travel. Mostly in the US. We've been on a cruise in the Caribbean. We've took a few vacations to the Bahamas. We've been to Italy. I'm not big on long travel. I like to just go to the beach & relax. Sight see in that particular area. We plan to go up through New England & go to NYCity next summer.

I'd rather do that than go to Europe myself.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 5:00pm
We turn on the tv as soon as we walk in the door.

It is on until we leave the room to go to bed (then the bedroom one comes on) or leave the house.

It doesn't keep us from doing other things.

I've never been big on reading. I like to read bios but that is about it. I wouldn't give you two cents myself for a novel.

I've never liked to read though. Growing up. When I moved into my own place. Now.

I love to read to my dd & listen to her read to me. My dh loves to read. But I'd rather play on the computer or something, anything, other than read.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 6:08pm
Um, no i dont think that at all, and yes it is a very unfair assumption. equally as unfair as the garbage about over weight issues ive heard since july 1, 1957. im pretty much immune to it anymore, as i just chalk it up to ignorance, however, in general, most people who "have it all together" in the weight dept have not fought it all their lives and all the exercising and watching what they eat is fairly new to *most*. I get tickled when i hear 30 something people ask nutrition questions that i was aware of by the time i was ten years old, because i had to be. they gain ten pounds and think its awful. i dont make this up, as i have had people who are 120 pounds whine to me about their weight, to which i respond, i have to lose *you*, so dont cry to me. there are very few thin, in shape people who have experienced life long weight problems, therefore the majority of the people who work at maintaining their physiques have not fought the big fight all their lives and have absolutely *no clue* what its *really* all about.

The big question for me is, why is anorexia so much more life threatening than being over weight? i watched a documentary on anorexia a few times, and was absolutely shocked to learn, the symptoms of anorexia mirror the symptoms of being overweight, yet insurance, the medical field will run to their aid, but over weight people are told, eat less and exercise more, and the mental, emotional and psychological issues are virtually ignored.

one must beg, and be half destitute along with have life threatening other symptoms, ie: diabetes, asthma, varicose veins, strain on the heart, etc, in order for insurance to pay for gastric bypass. it is a shame over weight people are ignored and looked down upon as lazy, weak and ignorant, and it *is* the attitude in america, so really and truly, i just have no sympathy for people who "play with ten pounds". blech!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 6:37pm
Okay well we are obviously coming from complete opposite ends of the spectrum here. But I will try to explain my pov on this without offending. Again, why would you assume that people who *have it all together* in the weight department have not fought for that? I am a perfect example. Every single woman on my mothers side of the family, with the exception of my mother and myself, are obese. You want to know why I am thin? Because when I have 10 or 20 lbs to lose I lose it. Right then. I FIGHT to keep my weight down. I eat very little junk, not because I dont like junk, but because I know its not good for my body and will make me gain weight. I run almost every frigging day-and you know what? I dont especially LIKE it. But I do it. I need less than 2000 calories a day to maintain my weight-so ya know what? Thats what I try to eat. I think too many people see thin people as having it *easy*, not really comprehending that they do live a totally different lifestyle for the most part. Its like a person who studies very very hard to get straight As in school, then gets told *well you have it easy, because you are smart*. My thought is *No, I worked my butt off*. Unless you know the intimate details of these peoples lives, you cannot make the determination that they have no *clue* what its really about. That is just as discriminatory as saying bad things about overweight people. And you obviously DO think that to some degree, why else would you have said it?

As far as anorexia and overweight. I think the medical problems are the same, and the time frames for treatment are usually the same too. Most anorexics dont get any treatment until their bodies just about give out-the drs treat the physical problems. Just as overweight people often dont get treatment until they are in distress-and again, drs treat the physical problems. Far as I know, insurance covers those physical problems, right? I agree that overweight should be considered psychological (or I guess physiological would be the proper term) just as anorexia is. And to some degree it is-hence all the self help books, places like overeaters anonymous, etc. An overweight person should have the same access to psychological help as an anorexic, and drs should recommend counseling and such. I think that anorexia is more likely to get immediate medical attention because the risks are more immediate-an untreated anorexic is probably going to be dead within a couple years. An untreated obese person is going to have a potentially shorter life span and serious health risks, but can often go along for many years without suffering severely ill health from being overweight.

What I find interesting is that I have read that something like 75 percent of women have some form of an eating disorder (and yes, overeating is right there next to anorexia when you look up eating disorders). And its a shame that we cannot be more supportive of each other, in all of our individual endeavors to lose, gain, maintain, control our weight, rather than point fingers and insist that we have it harder than that person, they have it easy, this person gets this, that person doesnt, and so on. And to be supportive of our different body types and sizes, again without making derogatory remarks to each other (even jokingly, like talking about hitting a *skinny jogger* in the mouth with a scale). I would never ever make rude comments about someones weight or size-so because I'm not overweight its okay for people to be rude and make nasty comments about it? Or to insinuate I cannot possibly understand what its like to lose a lot of weight, when they dont really KNOW what I do or dont understand.




dj

Edited 8/21/2004 6:48 pm ET ET by djknappsak


Edited 8/21/2004 7:13 pm ET ET by djknappsak

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 6:43pm
I'm looking for the oh gross, gag icon! Nope, I've never had fried steak. That is just about the grossest thing I've heard described in a while! Yuckeeee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 6:48pm
How *do* you do a 69 standing up?
Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 8:01pm
I have to agree. I didn't respond to SavCal's post about how much debt one has because I know one poster for certain would spit that information back out in a bitchy post some time down the road. I am less than perfect. I have debt. I became a mother under less than perfect conditions. My DH is far from perfect and is overweight. I am not obese, but I am overweight. I spent the last 24 hours reading "Royal Duty" by Princess Di's butler because I am secretly fascinated by all things royal. But I'm equally happy reading the Wall Street Journal. My son had applesauce instead of broccoli for dinner and my DH and I love watching, "That 70s Show." I live in a ranch home that has alumninum siding and a chain link fence. How is that for the ultimate in tackiness? Yet I love my cloth napkins and silver (plated) flatware and bone china. I drink my wine out of crystal every night because it gives me great pleasure to do so. Why own it if you're going to let it sit on display in some overpriced china hutch?

outside_the_box_mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 8:16pm
But I really dont think anyone here truly claims perfection, do they? Heck, we have debt-way more than I'd like right now. I was 7 months pregnant when I got married. I read People magazine (okay I dont buy it though!! I read it at the gym!!! So it doesnt really count!!!).

I think its normal for people to talk more about the positive aspects of their lives, especially on an internet board. And maybe some people embellish-I usually take them at face value though. But I dont think anyone would say their lives are perfect, would they????

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

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