When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:25pm

Aha .. you only "clean" one day a week ... but you do other housekeeping tasks all week.


I was picturing 7 days of dishes piled by the sink. Toys all over the floor. Trash piled up. lol


I only do toilets, etc one day a week (or month rofl) but each day I have to straighten the living room, load/unload the dishwasher. Every couple of days I have to sweep adn mop the kitchen floor, vacuum, do the "extra" dishes, etc. So, I see it as I'm cleaning every day ...



Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:28pm
Oh no!

I'm a neat freak!

I do sweep every night before I go to bed.

I have to see tracks in my carpet. I know, weird. But I know it is just swept and looks so good.

But it doesn't take long to do those things I do everyday.

Sunday I spend a good few hours cleaning.

But I'm no Martha Stewart. I don't clean with toothbrushes or small sponges. I want the big ones so I can get done quicker.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:31pm

You sure have a strange understanding of the English language. Just because something doesn't take much time you can say you don't do it?


Arent' you also the one (forgive me if I'm confusing you with someone else) who said she didn't volunteer but yet retold over and over again how much time was spent in the school and other activities that any other English speaking person would consider volunteering?



Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:34pm
I thought you were talking about big cleaning.

Like toilets, mopping, laundry.

Um, no, I don't volunteer but I didn't have a debate like what you are describing.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:41pm
How is it insulting to agree with Felicia's own (apparently forgotten) words from a week ago?

Even she acknowledged a few days ago there's no guarantee with nannies, but apparently has wholly retracted that and defensively accuses me of calling her and her nanny liars. Far from it...I actually agree there are no guarantees unless one stays home with her children.

Rather, I believe it could be somewhat insulting to deem "paranoid" a mom with a healthy skepticism that some dc providers 1.) do physically abuse and, equally importantly, 2.) don't carry out parent's directives in exactly the way the parent wishes, i.e., no more than 30 mins tv for pre-schoolers who stay close to home all day, everyday, with a nanny who has a crowd-phobia. To think differently would be to ignore posts like Smokeythemoms here and Lauren1063 here as well as the popularity of the nanny cam. Apparently you think STM and Lauren are not being forthcoming.

<> I disagree. My acknowledging there's a huge amount of children's programming on tv each day, morning and night, is not a concession I plop my babes in front of the tv. Rather, I accept society's problem with excessive tv viewing by children and I found solutions to that problem which work for my family. Having preschoolers home all day, everyday, with a nanny with a crowded-room phobia is the opposite of my definition of "solution."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:43pm
Nope, never took the logic course at college. I don't think anything other than a Bachelors and the LSATs are prerequisites.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:50pm
Why would you think big clean when she specifically said "clean". Not "big clean" just "clean". She didn't imply anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:52pm
So she takes the kids to the park instead of the mall.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:52pm
LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:15pm
<> I'm sorry, but logic has nothing whatsoever to do with your question. Reality does. None of us can guarantee what goes on when we are not there. (I'd love to hear why a 60/70 hr work wk means a wife should be more concerned than the spouse of one who works 10 hrs/wk! Where's the logic in that? A person is either predisposed or he's not. EVERYONE who wants to will find the opportunity!)

In fact, your question is completely in line with your words a wk ago (though now apparently retracted) acknowledging that you too cannot guarantee what another will do outside your presence. It's not "paranoid" to accept the reality and limits of human nature. It's logical to accept the realities as are evidenced here by STM and Lauren1063's posts and of course the popularity of the nanny cam.

And please don't pretend 2 yrs with the same nanny is any guarantee! LOL. It was exactly 2 yrs "in" that we learned my sibling's most stellar and high-priced nanny was an alcoholic. After the heartbreak of that nanny, previous nannies and an au pair, my sibling quit. The only guarantee is staying home full-time to raise children.

<> No, it's just what's best for my children. I have no delusions family babysitters don't turn on the tv. Actually, I encourage it. It's difficult watching 3, so almost anything that will make elderly g-parents' job easier (my making the meals, snacks and bottles beforehand, my having done the most up-to-date baths and diaper changes), I completely encourage. With both sets of g-parents, the tv is usually at full volume on the Bloomberg station, but that's fine with me. I accept the realities - caring for pre-schoolers is hard work for my "aged p's."

<> It's not about a single day of babysitting. It's every weekday, 48 wks a yr. It's what we all accept (except you apparently) about the stresses of being with children all day, human nature, the difference between a mother and child and an employee and her charge, an employee's conduct when the boss is absent all day, everyday, etc. There's nothing convoluted or cryptic there. You don't need a course in logic to understand where STM and L1063 are coming from, do you?

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