When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 5:18am
What kind of social circle?

I have become friends with moms I've met through our school where I teach & dd attends. In your asking about economic class, I wouldn't say poor & uneducated. Our tution alone is $1000 per month. But I resent you asking about economic class. I don't believe people have to be of a certain income level &/or college educated to be intelligent people who fully welll think out their parental decisions or any other life decision.

I have become friends with moms I've met through church.

Now that we have moved back home I have old friends from school days who are now parents.

Political affilitations? Republicans & Democrats. I'm a republican, so is dh. Both of our families.

Culturally rich urban center? We don't live far out in the country. We both grew up in a well populated city area & have lived in cities (Tampa, Columbus for 2 ex.) The neighborhood we live in is upscale. We don't "belong" if you will when looking at the neighbors who are all lawyers & doctors owning a couple of mercedes & a yacht, vacation homes & houseboats. But we make a fine living. My dh's salary provides everything for us including vacations & money to invest with.

I really don't know what you are looking for or where you are going with your questions.

Dh & I have both graduated college. He even had a double major. We both worked & lived on our own providing for ourselves while we went to college. We are both strong people who are independent.

Both of my parents still WOH FT today. My mother is a registered nurse & has been for years and years. My MIL still works FT, so does my FIL. They both have college degrees with both of my parents.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 5:20am
Put whatever spin on it that your litte heart desires.

It still will not change the fact you are mistakenly reading it.

Yes, gymnastics is a sport. Duh! It can be an organized sport, Duh!

My dd loves gymnastics although is it a sport but she doesn't participate in it "organized" as in on a team or with other boys &/or girls.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 6:44am
I agree. I know the Bart's plays were meant to be seen and not read, but I don't like the new PBS productions of his plays. Kenneth Branagh and Mel Gibson just don't do it for me. No one can do it like Laurence Olivier, and I've seen all of them.

I like Bill Moyers every now and then, but other than that, nothing interests me on PBS. And PBS has commercials now. There was a time they were above that. Now it's commercials PLUS fund raising pushes. They've whored themselves, like every other channel. LOL. They even have a silly reality show too.

Give me a good book or The Apprentice anyday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 6:51am
I hear exactly what you're saying, but I'd take skinny and unhealthy anyday. I'm quite healthy now (I exercise and eat better) but am overweight. Once I got the skinny thing (back, lol), I'd work on cholesterol and salt if my blood pressure and my dr. told me my health was headed in that direction.

If a person can maintain skinny, like Paige, despite junk food, I tend to believe she has excellent genes which compensate. Don't you know of any elderly people with very bad habits who've outlived their healthier friends? I've known of acoholics and cigar/cigarette smokers who've lived into their 90s with their minds fully aware and raring to go.

Sounds to me like Paige and her daughter have good genes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 6:57am
<> I do the same in the car with the radio! I love sports - but no way is my mindless use of the treadmill, stairstepper or ellyptical (sp?) machine at the gym the same. I miss real exercise - the kind you can only have with a large group, and usually just as kids.

What we old people with children call exercise these days is just mindless and I too will admit that I hate doing it. Now if the moms in my neighborhood could organize a pick-up game of 3 on 3, I'd be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:03am
I read that differently. <<"She likes to do things other little girls do. So she has no interest in sports.">> I saw it as this: when the tv is on, her little girl is not sitting on the couch, remote in one hand, potato chips in the other. She continues to play with her toys when the tv is on.

My children will see the tv as background noise and continue to play with their toys and games. The only time they stare into the tv screen such that I can't get their attention, lol, is if we get a new DVD. My girls will watch it mindlessly for the first 20 mins, then forget about it. The next day, if we watch it again, and they like it, they'll probably watch the whole thing. Then they'll ask for it about 5 more times in the coming days, then never watch it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:07am
Do you put the cushions from your couch on the floor? We just discovered this recently. We have a sectional, so all the top cushions fill up the "pool" in the middle of the "U" and my girls do sommersaults, handstands and dives. They hop and run. It's great exercise for them. Even my 1 yr-old chubster is burning a few calories. A previously un-used couch may need to be replaced by the end of the yr. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:22am
But Paige didn't invent the McDonalds Kids Meal! Nor did she invent the Baby Einstein DVDs. All of the moms here are making it sound like Paige and her DD are unusual. Do you really not know of anyone else in your circle of friends/acquaintances who have Paige's habits?

(I completely agree that no exercise and junk food is unhealthy.)

I know of plenty such children. And I envy the moms with skinny kids who get to go to McDonalds or get to carry lollipops in their bags, instead of fresh fruit.

Perhaps it's because I have 3 pre-schoolers who still don't just grab a book from the library shelf and sit quietly on a comfy chair for hours. But many youngsters who are not in front of the tv on rainy days have very active, tired moms.

What do you do when your child(ren) has nothing scheduled on a rainy day? Or do you not have any days like that whatsoever?

How do you occupy those hrs after dinner when your child(ren) has played once inside and then outside with all of her toys, has read thru all books she likes, has gone to the beach and has taken a bath all before dinner? What do you do in the hrs after dinner?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:30am
I didn't reply to one of your posts awhile ago about the number of tvs in your home. Did you say you have just one tv? If that was you, I was wondering how that works in your home with 4 children? I have a relative with 4 and one tv and they are constantly fighting over the tv or the one computer they have in the house.

If this wasn't you I'm thinking of, just disregard this post. I always enjoy your posts and enjoy your honesty here. I just can't imagine how that situation could work happily in a home!

It's not even an issue of how much tv 4 children can watch in a day. But it's more of an issue of, if they only watch 1 hr per day, there must be a brawl like in my relative's home. They too try to limit hrs on tv and computers, as do I. Right now, we only have 2 children to worry about with tv.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 7:34am
A follow-up. Please don't take this the wrong way. But with a nanny, how can you guarantee your boys just get a half-hour of tv a day? When we last "spoke" about nannies, it seems your nanny doesn't have the keys to your car, though she may use her car and that she doesn't take them into the city or big places with crowds without another adult. I got the impression, the boys stay close to home a bit some days.

I have friends who work and have nannies. They don't mind if the nannies leave the tv on and just want the children to have safe, enjoyable days home. One friend did fire a nanny who - the nanny cam revealed - had the tv on all day, which was OK with my friend, but the tv was tuned to the Christian channel station...all day! LOL.

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