When did structure become a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When did structure become a bad thing?
1698
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 8:19am
I am reading the thread about freewheeling nannies below and I hafta say, I just don't get this whole no structure thing. My kids have always thrived on structure. THey liked the predictablity of when things were going to happen. Sure, it has not been a problem to deviate, but what I am reading in some posts is that no structure at all seems to be looked on as optimal, while imposing structure to a child's life is viewed as bad parenting.

We used to live next door to a "no structure" family. The kids ran wild in the neighborhood, the mom never planned dinner so lord only knows if and when the kids ate. Sorry, I don't think that's a good way to live. My kids know we eat dinner at 6:30, so they have to be home.

I can see taht you wouldn't demand that an infant go to bed and wake up at precisely the same time, but is there ever a time to impose structure on a child? So lets say you are the freewheeling type and have always doen things whenever. What happens when you send your child to school where the bell rings at the same time every day?

As far as activities, I realize all kids are different, but when my kids were little, if we just did whatever, whenever, my kids woudl end up grumpy and overtired. My experience is that if say, we were at the beach and I say, oh heck, let's just stay later, the kids woudl be happy at first, but by the days end I would end up with whiny, overtired kids.

Maybe I'm just misinterpreting what I am reading, but I personally think structure is a good thing. When children are small, the structure includes naptimes, mealtimes, etc. As they get older it evolves into boundaries like "be home at 6 for dinner" or "you can't go into soemones house without telling me first". I couldn't imagine living without structure or boundaries for my kids.

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:27pm
You know, it isn't all that bad getting by on one television in our house. It requires a certain amount of strategy and cooperation for sure. But this is the only way we've ever known it so we are used to it. The kids don't fight over what to watch because then they don't get to watch anything. Mostly what happens is that the oldest (8) goes off on his own to read (which he prefers over TV anyhow) and the other three watch some preschool-type PBS show. My philosophy is to make sure no one is watching anything "above" their age category (when possible) so the older ones occasionally get bored with the Barney crap and just wander away, which is fine by me! Once in a while, the older ones get to watch a show after school when the little ones are napping so they do get a chance to see the "cool" stuff (the cool stuff I'll actually allow) and then I get to do a lot of damage control for all the crap commercials they see.

Most of our nighttime TV watching is done as a family (well, if you count the fact that I'm in the room doing the dishes or reading a book.) We watch old movies and Disney stuff and videos from the library. (Recently sat through a Hello Kitty DVD that was so horrible it had me looking at the liquor cabinet with longing. I definitely don't recommend Hello Kitty for anything other than cute purses.) There is a five year spread with my kids so it isn't too horrible to find a way to entertain everyone; it just takes a little thought and creativity.

In general, my dh and I don't watch "our" TV with the kids awake. (This is why I didn't see a current Friends episode for about seven years!) We only watch after they've gone to bed OR if there is a sporting event my dh really wants to see, he will watch with kids around with his remote handy to squelch the yucky commercials and news snippets we don't want our kids seeing.

As far as the computer goes, I am super stingy about letting the kids use the computer. This summer, they've played on the computer about once a week. I try to give a kid the chance to use the computer when he is the only one home, so he can play in peace. Otherwise, the scenario is this: four children sitting in front of the computer, with one in the middle playing the game and three others shouting advice! I set the timer for 15 or 20 minutes for each kid and when each has had a turn, that's it. I don't allow squabbles. If they can't work it out, I say that's it and I kick them all out and everyone loses their turn. Then because I've been pretty strict about it most of the time, when we have a really yucky weather day and are stuck inside, I don't freak out if they play computer for two hours straight (taking turns.)

For us, having only one TV is helpful because we can control and monitor it at all times. It is never on as background noise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:34pm
We'd have a problem when I want to watch North Shore & he wants to watch CSI.

One of us has to go to the bedroom to watch the other tv.

We both like to watch both shows. But some nights we don't want to watch the same thing at the same time.

When we crawl in bed the tv goes on. Half the time we have no idea what is on but we love for it to be on while we are sleeping.

No way would one tv work here even though we spend our evenings watching it together as a family.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:35pm
ITA.

Asking for advice or a health problem that the ped asking questions lead to these discussions is acceptable.

Routine check up giving you their health update, weight, etc & then asking you or telling you about tv for example, no that doesn't work & I'd tell the ped to stop immediiiately.

Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:37pm
Nope. You did not answer. When asked specifically what you do to stay active, you refused to answer.


Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:39pm
Again, what do YOU do to stay active?? You talk about things your dd does, you talk about going for *walks*, you SAY you arent sedetary but cant seem to come up with one single thing that involves movement, aside from a neighborhood stroll. If you want people to believe you are not sedetary, explain yourself. And that means what do YOU do, not what does your dd do.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:41pm
Oh *now* you swim every day? When does this occur? And *now* you do floor exercises and stretches????

What happened to your comment to pnj on another thread that you *never* exercise??

I dont care, except for that part of debating is pointing out inconsistencies in a persons stance. Yours is chock full of them


dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:45pm
Okay, so you watch age appropriate tv for your dd, but you are also watching north shore and csi???? What is your dd doing while you are watching these very adult prime time shows? Which is it-do you watch tv as a *family* from 7-10 or watching tv in separate rooms? Is your dd watching *family* tv with you, or is she playing elsewhere while you watch adult shows?

Inconsistencies. over and over again......


dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:50pm
DJ, you missed the post where out of nowhere, all of a sudden she swims EVERY day. But apparently since she doesn't see it as formal exercise or even exercise at all she had failed to mention it in her upteenth posts. And apparently you should have been aware of it even though she did emphatically stated at the beginning of all of this that "I don't exercise." Yeah, right. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:50pm
It would be one thing if you said *yeah we know its unhealthy and we dont care*. But you seem to think it IS healthy. That is my whole issue with this thread, that you are touting your lifestyle like its something to be emulated, like daily doses of cr@P food is something one should seek out, like 3+ hrs of tv is what every bonded family should do. You act like not reading food labels when you grocery shop is a GOOD thing. Its completely ridiculous, and I personally am amazed that someone would INTENTIONALLY be so uninformed and ignorant about basic health issues.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 11:50pm
Two points:

I thought I saw you mention earlier that your doctor was in charge of your child's well-being. Television can be related to a child's well-being. To not stay on top of the situation (even when there appears to be no pressing problem) is how doctors help people maintain their well-being. Ideally you address issues BEFORE they become problems.

If you don't need to be educated by your doctor, why bother to go to a doctor in the first place?

And one personal observation:

The fact that you are refering to it as being "lectured" to by your doctor shows just how defensive you are on this. Is it possible that you know you are allowing less-than-healthy habits to develop in your home but for some reason you just aren't interested in tackling it head on? Your defensiveness is making you look bad here.

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