When the hypothetical becomes reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
When the hypothetical becomes reality
4
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:46am
We've occasionally talked about the "what ifs". We debate the wisdom of sah and woh based on these scenarios. The critics of both sides manage to find a reason to knock either decision, regardless of the scenario.

I recently discovered a fairly serious health problem (or likely problem), and it's nice to know that when you know you're doing the right thing that you don't have to play the "what if" game. If it feels right to you, it's right.

If I had sah all those years, I would be in a huge mess right now. If I had worked days and used daycare, I would regret that I spent my days at work instead of with ds. I'll be here in the future :-), but that future won't be as healthy as I thought it would be. What I'll be able to do might be very different from what I planned.

Someone on one of these debate boards said that marrying an older man was distasteful, because she couldn't imagine being 60 and caring for an 80 yr old husband. And here I am, very likely to be the less healthy of the two of us in 15- 20 yrs. So much for that theory. It's about love.

And, again, I don't fit the studies. lol

Others on this board have said that working 3rd shift to avoid daycare and be able to be with ds during the day was selfish, stupid or

both. They claimed that I couldn't have been a good parent while working nights. To them I say,don't knock it until you've tried it. We all have different abilities and ideas of what's important in raising our kids. Being at home is very important to me. You insult me when you claim that that is either selfish or stupid, or that I was a lousy mother.

I did a pretty damned good job raising my really good teen. DH and I have a great marriage after 17 yrs, and there is no thought of divorce or even of dissatisfaction with each other because of age,or anything else for that matter.

So, debate on. But remember that when you make rude and insulting comments about others lives, those people are real.

My horizons are being broadened by real life again, unfortunately this time.

I hope that this post will broaden yours as well. If you've criticized another poster's

choices because you can't understand them or because you think you know they're wrong or stupid, stop and really think.

It could just be that you're missing a horizon-broadening lesson. Maybe treating other posters as fellow students in the school of sah vs woh will help you see the other side without some much prejudice. Examining and really learning about the "minority" sah/woh situations represented by the "students" here will broaden your horizons. Criticizing might be fun, but it gets you nowhere.

joan

Joan

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:54am
WOW, what a moving and thought filled post! Thanks for sharing.

And FTR, ITA with you.

"comments about others lives, those people are real.

My horizons are being broadened by real life again, unfortunately this time.

I hope that this post will broaden yours as well. If you've criticized another poster's

choices because you can't understand them or because you think you know they're wrong or stupid, stop and really think.

It could just be that you're missing a horizon-broadening lesson. Maybe treating other posters as fellow students in the school of sah vs woh will help you see the other side without some much prejudice. Examining and really learning about the "minority" sah/woh situations represented by the "students" here will broaden your horizons. Criticizing might be fun, but it gets you nowhere."

We all live different lives. We all chose different lives (or our lives chose us). I can't imagine questioning why someone would sah or woh. I can't imagine questioning why others do or don't do things in a particular way in their family, in their home, in their way of life.

It is ultimately no one's business if you sah or woh. It is ultimately no one's business how you raise your kids. It is ultimately no one's business how you run your household, if your husband helps with the house stuff or not. It just isn't any one's business but the married couple living in the house together. IMHO

Again, excellent posting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 9:32am
((((((((((((JOAN)))))))))))))))

I had noticed you hadn't been around in awhile, and was missing your input! I'm sorry for the health concerns (and outcome?) that you seem to have been going through in your absense.

You know, I kinda went through this lately with my health related issues, and I very much agree with you, and understand what you are saying. And it IS so very nice to really "know" that what you have chosen to do is the "right" thing for you and your family.

On another thought, I guess I didn't know your husband was "older" than you. My husband is 15 years older than me, and while I am going to be the one taking care of my husband (if I don't kill him before then ;) ), it has happened MUCH sooner than anyone ever believed would happen! As you said, so much for the theories.

My thoughts are with you, and if you ever wanna "talk" off the board, you are welcome to e-mail me at okmrsmommy@sbcglobal.net

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 11:40am
I don't know what to say Joan, except, I'm sorry (for whatever) and thank you.

We will be here for you........and I'm sending TON'S of wishes, thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever positive....your way.

Annie

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Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:30pm
Beautiful post. I've been feeling the same way lately about this debate - it just doesn't matter.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.