when you don't HAVE TO

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
when you don't HAVE TO
62
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 8:06am

IRL friend i were talking personal things on the phone yesterday.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 1:38pm
I am actually asking you how you think. Since I am not obligated to provide private school or a college education for my child, but I choose to work so that he can have these things, how is that not a choice? And how is your decision to stay home and NOT work so you could have afforded parochial school and a college education for your kids anything but a choice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:11pm

I think I have figured this out. A mother who works can never be purely "choose to" or "have to". A mother who works must acknowledge that the choice they are making is not work status. They are choosing a lifestyle, and then must work to support that lifestyle. To claim they "have to" work is dishonest because it fails to acknowledge the choice they are making in choosing the lifestyle. To claim they are choosing to work is dishonest because it fails to acknowledge that the lifestyle they live is possible only because they work, or iow, that they "have to" work to support that lifestyle.

These distinctions are important because they acknowledge the differences between the family who chooses a lifestyle and takes the work status to support it versus the family who chooses the work status (SAH) and then takes the lifestyle that results from it. The family who chooses the work status (one WOHP and one SAHP) and still ends up with the comfortable lifestyle deserves to be recognized as a special status because they made a choice about their kids (to have a SAHP) and were rewarded with that comfortable lifestyle, and because they may feel like they deserve special recognition for having it all--a SAHP and the comfortable lifestyle, including college funds, etc.

To claim that some working mothers prefer their own life to that life negates that special recognition. Therefore, we must acknowledge that no working mother is choosing to work, she "has to" work to afford the lifestyle she "chooses to" live. By the same token, to claim that working mothers "have to" work negates that special recognition by downplaying that nobel choice made by the SAHP. So, no working mother "has to" work, she simple "choose to" live a certain lifestyle, and "has to" work to afford it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:13pm
I think you are right, and of course qualified by the choice not to work is also many times a choice not to have the lifestyle that includes being able to put your kids through college.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:13pm
I have a sudden urge to have your babies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:22pm

I agree.

I have no shame in admitting that I have chosen a lifestyle, and subsequent to that choice, I chose a work status that provided the best odds of achieving that lifestyle. For me, the lifestyle was not based on material items, but rather on future opportunities for my children. I wanted one of the best school districts. I wanted a guarantee of college savings. I wanted an incredibly safe neighborhood and a large yard. I wanted to take my children to see the world. I wanted to retire young and help my children with my grandbabies. I chose to have a career because I felt that having two parents with professional careers would increase the chances of being able to provide all of that, and minimize the chances that a worst-case scenario would take it all away. I still want those things, and I still choose to work to maximize our odds.

Perhaps if I had chosen to stay home, we would have achieved all of that and more on my DH's income alone. In fact, I am fairly certain that absent death or disability, we would. But i was not willing to accept that extra risk then, nor am I now, unless I see consequences of my choice that would negate any additional security or additional opportunities my income provides.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:23pm
Okay, but who's paying for their college?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:25pm

Good point.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 3:28pm

So why wouldn't those be have to work moms?



It sounds like you agree with women choosing to work as long as the money is not spent on the family but instead spent on themselves for more stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 6:54pm
Amazing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 6:56pm
yep.

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