Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 1:01am
Could you explain this theory to my 2 year old, my 4 year old, my 6 year old, my 7 year old, my dog, and my dh? I'm not sure how they are going to take being called lazy slugs. (Telepathically, I tell my dh that twice a day.)

Four loads of laundry a week? I suppose I am a good twenty to twenty five years away from that (short of killing off my sweaty racquetball-playing dh.)

I'll recognize that I am in a special little category in this regard (having so many young children who cannot help much with chores, a dh who doesn't help a whole lot) but you need to recognize you are also in a special little category (having no one in your household who cannot completely fend for himself, having no one in your household who needs active, hands-on parenting) at least, for spouting off about SAHparenting. I think your opinion is valuable but I don't get why you offer up details of your life to counter a point about SAHparenting. Are you talking hypothetically, IF you had a dependent child living in your home? Are you talking about when your ds was younger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:10am
My child was expected to help to the degree he was able at 2 years old, at 4 years old, at 6 years old and beyond. There are plenty of things kids that age can do. They can put the silverware in the dishwasher basket (or failing that if there's no dishwasher, a rinse sink or bowl filled with soapy water). they can stack books in one pile and magazines in another, newspapers in a third, for putting away and recycling. They can fold dishtowels and socks and other smaller garments, or even just sort them into piles to make it easier for you to fold. they can move couch cushions for vacumming, they can run a rag sprayed with Endust (or a Swiffer cloth, or even just a damp rag) over low areas needing dusting. They can sort toys into bins ("okay, let's gather all the legos, now let's gather all the action figures"), they can put their dirty clothes into a hamper. They can shake out a throw rug over the floor prior to sweeping and they can hold the dustpan.

As he got older (definitely by 6), he was expected to pull his bedclothes up so his bed looked straightened, if not made in the strictest "hotel" sense of the term. He was expected to help sort clothes into lights and darks, and separate jeans from darker, dressier clothes. He was expected to help fold and put away clothes. He was expected to help empty the dishwasher, to help rinse used dishes and fill the dishwasher. He was expected to help clear the table. He was expected to sweep the kitchen floor after dinner. He was expected to help clean his own bathroom.

When he was very small, it was no great effort to get his to help--heck I started out having him help because he wouldn't leave me alone. As he got older, tho, yes, he needed lots of reminding and the occasional Mommy-Meltdown by me insisting that I'm not a maid, and we are a family and he's expected to do what he can do to help around the house and that some of the things he's asked to care for aren't his mess specifically and too bad.

No, I don't have as much laundry as I once did, but it hasn't always been that way (John wasn't BORN a grown adult, you know) and I know for a FACT you can expect kids to help with sorting, folding and even just placing dirty clothes where they belong, adding to their responsibilities as they grow and mature.

Household tasks are a fact of life in ANY household, not just ones with small children. And those of us households with older children did HAVE small children once upon a time, you know.

Now, it may be very well true that having a SAHP would make things easier for all concerned. Sure it would; I'd love having a SAH spouse. But having one wouldn't absolve me from household chores, even if it lightened the load I bear now. right now, you have 3 kids who aren't as much help as they will be when your 2 year old is 4, even. But they ought to be of SOME help to you, especially the 6 and 4 year old. There are a LOT of things they can be doing which will simplify what you do now, and (obviously in my opinion) they SHOULD be helping you do those chores. YOU are as much a part of that family and deserving of the benefits that come with being in a family as anyone else in that family. If anything, my dislike of the "SAHPs do everything at home" argument lies in the fact that I believe just because they are home doesn't mean no one else in the household is responsible for maintaining it. EVERYONE is responsible for maintaining the family dwelling; some folks have a greater percentage of the tasks, due to how responsibilities are split, no doubt, but to suggest that a SAHP is or even SHOULD BE the sole person doing housework isn't fair.

It's that Dixie Cup Company paper plate commercial all over again--where the Mom is "stuck in the kitchen cleaning dishes" while the rest of the family (Dad and two kids who are at LEAST in the higher elementary school grades if not older) play games after dinner so she buys paper plates that they can all throw out so she doesn't have to clean dishes. That commercial drives me CRAZY!!!! Why, why, WHY!!!!!!! aren't their lazy butts in that kitchen helping Mom clean???? Was Mom the only one who ate?

And it's even more infuriating to hear some of the SAHMs here who SAHM because they do the lion's share of housework and would have to EVEN IF THEY WOH. Who ARE these men who will not accept that they have responsibilities in the home just like everyone else? When I hear that, I think, then SAH isn't a benefit; it's co-dependency (which realistically, I know it's not--not to that extreme...but it doesn't strike me as much of a benefit, either.) it's just enables a lazy spouse to remain lazy.

Maybe I shouldn't weigh in on this aspect of the discussion, but to be honest, some of these 'benefits' don't sound like benefits--they sound like consolation prizes. the kids gain nothing from having everythign done for them. the spouse gains nothing by imagining he/she can go to work for 8 or 10 hours a day and then sit on his/her butt while the SAH spouse continues all the cleaning and childrearing.

Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:15am
I bought two books from the Appalician (sp) Club on hiking trails in MA and NH. DS and I are slowly making our way through them. I enjoy hiking and want to get DS into it. DH doesn't enjoy it. Maybe some day I'll hike the John Muir trail with my son. :-)

I totally agree with you, BTW. After it snows, we go sledding. I am seriously missing snow right now!

outside_the_box_mom

Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:17am
Really? I've only been to Mystic; haven't been to the beach. The beaches in MA are pretty good. Especially on Cape Cod.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:24am
Naw. Too expensive and you can't choose your own produce and meat/poultry that way. That's the biggest issue I have with the delivery services--it sounds fine in theory, but in practice, you give up too much. (like in-store specials which I rely on heavily to stretch my food budget).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:21am
this particular service costs the same as being in the store -- i've already compared some of the prices. i can also buy meats (full selection like in the store) as well as veggies. i'm one of those who doesn't need to personally handle food -- and the quality of what they send mirrors what's in their store.

additionally they offer most in-store specials as well as online only specials -- and you can use coupons too. oh and the delivery fee is $5.

for me, it makes the life of a busy mom all that much easier.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:24am
yeah, those are nicer. the beaches in lower ct are very small and very, very rocky -- with nothing even approaching a wave.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:43am
Is that Peapod? i used them for almost a year, but then I found it difficult to judge when I would actually be home for delivery what with having to drive the boys all over. I didn't want the stuff sitting outside for too long, and I was ALWAYS forgetting a few items, so I stopped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:45am
That was the other thing I didn't like, couldn't choose produce OR meat. It wasn't expensive though, only $5.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:48am
yes it is. however, i have a nanny home during the day, 3 days per week and they have such flexible delivery window times...it's really worked well for us. i had the last delivery on a saturday at 8:30 am....

eileen

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