Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:51am
We live in a great neighborhood with great schools too.

No one is saying woh can't benefit children, I believe that, especially when a second income makes a difference, but I also believe that having a calmer, saner lifestyle is beneficial to children. Happy mom, happy kids. Stressed, rushed mom, stressed, rushed kids.

I'm not going to try to beat this into you, those of us who see the benefits of our staying home don't have to prove anything to anybody, we know all too well how it's enhanced our family's lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:53am
Ok, here are some very tangible benefits of me staying at home (when I did, obviously I WOH now):

1) Because I was willing to SAH for 3 years, dh was able to accept an extremely prestigious postdoc offer in Switzerland. I was not allowed to work because of visa restrictions and had I insisted on my right to WOH, he would not have be able to accept the offer. Among the tangible benefits of dh taking the position: raising his profile and bettering his publication record and a chance for us back get to Europe from the U.S. (a top priority for many reasons). I was able, I should say, to finish my Master's thesis during this time. Similar to this: my willingness to SAH for the first couple of years after our move to Sweden made it possible for dh to accept his dream job (and finally a permanent one). We moved to Sweden knowing that it would be impossible for me to work for the first year or two (arrived there pregnant and no dc takes a child under age 1). Otoh, since I started working again, dh has done everything to support my career including taking more than 50% of the sick time with the kids and a lot of the days that the school has been closed, leaving work early to pick up the kids when I needed to work long and generally being very flexible about his time at work so that I could be there for the important stuff.

2) SAH for the first several years made it possible for my children to reach the level of proficiency they currently have in English. Starting dc very early almost inevitably results in children who are passive in the home languages (I haven't met a family yet whose children started in dc before the age of 1.5 or 2 who spoke the home language...they usually could understand but refused to speak it). Note that this is not necessarily an automatic problem for dual WOHPs: I know of a couple of families who continued with dual WOH, but had relatives or nannies from the home country for the first couple of years. Those children usually ended up as active bilinguals. This was not an option for us so having me at home was crucial for their language acquisition. This is one area where there is a direct correlation between the amount of time spent and benefits gained, btw. German is the children's weakest language simply because they have had less time to speak German exclusively with their father, and both kids have gone through phases of being completely passive in German, whereas they have never refused to speak English. The benefits of fluently trilingualism for my family are pretty clear: the children have a very close relationship with both sides of the family because they can actually communicate with them. They will have a much larger choices of countries to study, work and live in. Multilingualism is known to improve reading skills and comprehension.

Those are benefits that were clear for my family, clearly not applicable for all. But then the financial argument is not applicable for all families either...I know plenty of people who make much more on one salary than we do on two. Just because our family gained clear benefits from having a SAHP it doesn't mean that kids who have gone to dc have somehow suffered harm.

Laura

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:56am
I think kids who are busy with sex and drugs in the afternoon are probably not engaged in other productive activities such as sports, clubs, etc. I also think values are crucial in how a kid turns out.

I dont think it has to do with a parent's work status. How did my neighbors manage to do it even though there moms were home? Is your daughter with you at all time in the afternoon?

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:58am
However, you do work and have skills. You could support yourself if necessary. What about those SAHMs who havent worked in years and dont have up to date skills?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:07pm
You are missing the point. I never said work status had anything to do with whether or not one's kids use drugs. I was asked to cite *positives* of having a sahp. One of those is that latchkey or aftercare is not an issue for us-and that I do not want my kids to be latchkey because OFTEN kids tend to get into trouble during the latchkey hours.

Oh and being in sports or clubs is certainly no guarantee either, dont kid yourself. The jocks when I was in high school were some of the biggest partiers and drinkers around.


dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:09pm
You really need to go back and read some of this thread. The discussion was about citing positives of having a sahp. Cyndilu says there are NONE. Other people are trying to explain to her that it depends on the family, and that one cannot say there are never benefits to sahp for anyone.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:15pm
I disagree with your idea that having a SAH parent lessens the chance that a kid will get in to trouble. Having good parents will lessen the chance that a kid will get in trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:17pm
Like I said, MY working would have only gotten us more frivolous luxuries, I was not speaking for most wohm's. I realize that most people work because it does make a difference.

To be perfectly blunt, our SES is pretty damn high, so I was merely pointing out to cindy that not everyone benefits from a wohm, unless of course you consider driving a hummer or wearing Prada to be of a major benefit to one's children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:31pm
I completely agree and this has always been my greatest concern. It is not that children do not need parents when they are young, but I have always felt that the 'tween years on up is the time to have a parent in the home if possible. We have geared our lifestyle and careers with that goal in mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:32pm
OMG!!!! I NEVER said children were raised by DC, I said, if time spent with parents is irrelevant, as cindy claims, then why not ship all the kids off to an institution to be raised, since we parents don't matter. Is everyone dense this morning?

And should we all never sahm on the off chance that our spouses might lose their jobs, never to find another and commit suicide?

Please.

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