Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:08pm
So who's selling OUT their kids?
Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:11pm
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Is that how it was when YOU stayed home? Must have been since you're so average and your life reflects how you see things are...

And what's the point of saying you don't need to spend 24/7 with your kids if you don't think SAHMs do?

Point is, I prefer to spend more time with my kids than you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:13pm
Fine. If you knew how to TEACH piano, you could have done it yourself.

I value very highly the flexibility that SAH allows me to find opportunities which suit my child's needs and interests. He certainly wouldn't have the time to have been in all the activities he has been in had he been in a DC 8 hrs. a day. (I realize that for some people, they wouldn't be able to afford activities if they didn't work.) Neither would we have time often to spend 3 hours a day reading together, at a much higher level of sophistication than he gets in K, if for 5 days a week I only had 4 hours of his conscious time. If he's having a tough week and needs more quiet time, I can do that immediately. If he's full of energy and could use more social interaction or physical activity, I can arrange that immediately. If he's developed an interest in a particular area, we can go to the science museum or the library or the zoo or whatever right then, and stay as long as it's worthwhile, any time, no waiting. Not that there's no value in having to follow a schedule and have to use crayons and glue for as long as a DC provider wants him to on some project that he may or may not have any interest in whatsoever, but given the choice, I think it's more beneficial to have the additional flexibility. And no kidding, you have time for *some* of those things *some* of the time you're with your child. That's fine, I'm not saying SAH is for everyone. But that doesn't mean there aren't benefits for the child when there's a motivated, resourceful and creative parent ready, willing and able to put in the work involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:18pm
No the studies aren't, as far as I know. Tangible things are just evidence of benefit, they are, however, no guarantee as nothing is, even spending more time with your kids. College savings increases the liklihood my kids will go to collge but doesn't guarantee they will.

I had a WM and never thought twice about wanting more time with her. It never dawned on me to think I didn't have enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:26pm
Fill me in, DJ, isn't that also 5% more "involved" only as compared to MOM's time (which gets cut by her WOH), not 5% more time spent parenting the kids than before? That makes a huge difference.
Avatar for phyreblade
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:42pm

And what does that mean, to you, to be "more established, more experienced and in a better place financially"?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:56pm
5 percent is so miniscule, one can hardly count it. Unless the father was so UNinvolved to begin with, that it made a big difference in time.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 6:08pm
But none of those things mean better children becoming better adults. Define that and then let's work from there.

Good schools, music and science abilities and more money do not produce better people. And if you want to continue to insist that they do, I want a quantifiable definition of better. (Just as I would continue to pick this argument with a SAHM who insists that her position produces better functioning adults). Higher SES doesn't automatically mean more educated, involved parents no matter what it is does for YOU, it is not the universal statement you want it to be.

My family is made up of the people that I see ridiculed here; the people you insist that work dead end jobs at WalMart trapped in loveless marriages. These people give back to our community, they are foster parents, volunteers at elderly homes/hospitals/shelters, friends to those in need just as much as the people I know in the "better" circles - and in my limited experience, more - but I will not believe that this has anything to do with salaries as much as it has to do with where people are in regards to their place in life.

Salary is not indicitative of intelligence or compassion. Intelligence is not indicitative of empathy and a level of good will for that matter. Human drama and selfish, one dimensional people exist at every level and all the music lessons in the world, no matter how they are timed in the development stages of childhood, won't change that. Dead end jobs exist at every financial level, mindless drones can manage to make it through college and pull in a pretty decent salary.

I don't believe in the genteel nobility of poverty. I just don't believe that character necessarily has anything to do with one's financial station in life. Being better is an intangible, having little to do with what you have or had and more to do with who you are.

As I to read my son "A Christmas Carol" the other evening, this passage really hit home with regards to our discussion:

"But you were always a good man of business, Jacob" faltered Scrooge,...

"Business!" cried the Ghost. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forebearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!"




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:56pm
Stress reduction is a huge benefit and tangible at that.

Studies have show that the cortisol levels (stress levels) in children who attend daycare are higher than their sah counterparts. Childhood stress has been linked to depression in adulthood. Not to mention the illness factor.

But heck, since your insurance (and everyone else's) pays for it now...

Ah, the tangibleness of it all!






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:19pm
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I know alot of WOHPs who Both got laid off at the same time and needed help because they both had new cars, high mortgage etc. due to always having two full-time incomes. There are no guarantees in life, so I don't see this as a compelling argument not to SAH. While its good to have things set up in case of hard times, you can't live your life based on 'what ifs'.

I recently spoke with my MIL about her choice to WOH. She has always owned her own business and her husband at the time didn't hold down a job so she was the primary breadwinner. She said that her one regret was having to work while her kids were little and she wishes she could have spent more time with them. Now, both my DH and SIL turned out great, but I don't want to look back on my kids childhood and regret not being here. I figure by the time both are in school I will still have plenty of time for my career if I choose (or am able) to WOH then.


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