Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 1:25pm
Yes, other alternatives are hiring housekeepers, having a spouse who helps and eating out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 1:27pm
Yes, it makes it less stressful for me but that's not a benefit to my kids. It's a perk for me. The fact I feel less financial stress really doesn't impact my kids now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 2:42pm
I agree. I plan on keeping my kids way too busy to find trouble. Fortunately, communities are getting wise to the need for after school activities for older kids.
Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 4:05pm
Since I'm a heathen and don't celebrate Xmas, I was able to do some basic research today.

You are correct, there are very few studies showing the benefits of mom staying at home. That is because these benefits are implied or a given. Most childcare experts (Doctors T. Berry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspan, etc) agree that children should be home for the first three years of their lives. That is the ideal. Of course, parents must work.

So the studies we have show the negative and positive effects of daycare on children because this is something modern day parents worry about. The researchers are working from the position that SAH is ideal -- please note I did not say "best." Because obviously, a negligant SAH parent (notice I didn't say MOHTER either) is going to create a negative environment for the children. When researchers use the word "ideal," they are talking about a parent committed to raising children in a happy, learning rich, stress free evironment.

However, you (as in you, CLW) cannot base your working and its results on your children as "stacking the deck" in your favor. There are simply too many other factors involved.

I found this interesting bit of information about American children:

http://www.childrensdefense.org/keyfacts.htm

The fact that you are married and have income means your children already benefit. The fact that you are educated, had pre-natal care, aren't on food stamps, and aren't divorced means your children already are receiving a great number of benefits other children aren't. By simply being married, supplying them with food, health care, and a clean safe environment means they greatly benefit.

Another report I found, http://nces.ed.gov/pubs2000/2000070.pdf, stated, "Whether or not children succeed in school is in part related to events and experiences that occur prior to their entering kindergarten for the first time. Children’s preparedness for school and their later school success are related to multiple aspects of their development. Children’s physical well-being, social

development, cognitive skills and knowledge and how they approach learning are all factors that contribute to their chance for success in school (Kagan et al. 1995).

"Additionally, the differences we see in children’s knowledge and skill as they enter kindergarten can be contributed to a variation in family characteristics (e.g., maternal education, family type) and home experiences (home educational activities,

nonparental care).

"A complex and continuous collaboration exists between the child and the family; and, the family can provide the resources and support that children require to increase their chances of succeeding in school (Maccoby 1992). For some children, the absence of resources and support place them at increased risk for school failure."

Did you read the above paragraph carefully?

Please pay particular attention to the section of the report titled, "The child and the family." It is the mother's educational status -- not her work status -- that shows whether a child will do well in kindergarten. A full 60% of mothers with Bacholor degrees read to their children every day.

Safer Child, Inc. states the following negative benefits of daycare:

http://www.saferchild.org/daycarefaq.htm; I've quoted a couple paragraphs below:

"Will daycare adversely affect my child to be left in daycare?

"As many people as you'll ask - that's how many answers you'll get. Not everyone has the option or constitution to be a stay-at-home parent. But experts say - and Safer Child tends to agree - that staying at home for some or all of the first three years is generally better for the child. No matter how lousy a parent you feel you are, your child has a powerful and innate longing to be with you and to know that you want to be with him or her.

"Having said that, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development http://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/early_child_care.htm did a study over seven years and concluded that daycare quality and quantity seemed to be more important factors than daycare itself, and other studies have concluded that children in high-quality daycare have better language, memory and social skills. However, a more negative assessment of typical daycare came from the Child Care Bureau http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/ccb/ (of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services), which listed the conclusions of various studies in this field.

"And then there's the adamant advice from Doctors T. Berry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspan, who wrote "The Irreducible Needs of Children" (Greenspan also wrote "The Four-Thirds Solution"). They say capable parents should provide "at least a significant part" of child care for their babies and toddlers -- and that even older children and teen-agers shouldn't come home to an empty house.

"However you feel about it, Safer Child reminds you of these things: the earlier you leave a child in daycare, the earlier your child will begin to contract viruses. There is some correlation between early daycare and trouble with ear infections and colds. It's also much harder (albeit not impossible) to continue breastfeeding your child while using daycare. And, as NICHD noted in its study, the more hours a day a young child spends in daycare, the more likely the child may be to have certain problems later. A study released in July 2003 http://education.umn.edu/icd/faculty/Gunnar.htm (led by University of Minnesota psychologist Megan Gunnar) indicated that shy children show increased levels of stress hormone in daycare settings.

"Finally, very young children cannot tell you they aren't receiving adequate care - except perhaps to be clingy or whiny or ill. If your child exhibits these symptoms, pay attention and resist the temptation to just brush them off as simple "separation anxiety." There might be more to it.

"Some parents stay at home until the child is a toddler or preschooler (and talking) and then begin introducing the child to playgroups and small bits of daycare - gauging how much is too much by the child's reaction."

In short, and this is me speaking, a SAHP can give a child as much benefit, structure, support, learning, etc as a daycare center -- without the attendent disadvatages: ie: illness, long days, crowded facilities, stress, chance of abuse, etc. Hence, SAH does benefit children in many ways.

But simply saying your working benefits your children is a little misleading. It may, but it's one small part of a very large picture.

outside_the_box_mom



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 4:53pm
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No, she has great kids. My Mom WOH and had good kids (at least i think so). BUT my point was that they both regret the time away from their kids during the younger ages and I decided to stay home because I didn't want to look back and regret not staying at home.

Mary


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 4:57pm
Wanna make a bet?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 5:40pm
Because different things stress different people. And becaue the amount of financial stress is not the same for all families. For instance, with me not working we don't experience financial stress. It sounds like dj doesn't either. It's not such a stretch to say that one person can reduce stress by working and another person, perhaps with a higher earning spouse, can reduce stress by quitting a job. Not every family benefits as much by having 2 working parents.

That's why there is no one correct way to live life. SAH/WOH can be better for some and not for others.

Jenna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 5:42pm
Because you are their mother and your good health should be of benefit to them. Besides, when did it become 100% about the kids? Don't the adults count at all?

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:08pm
Post your evidence. Less financial stress for me is nice but I don't think my kids are going to turn out differently because of it. While I'll admit that raising my dss's would have been a lot nicer without having to ilve hand to mouth, I don't think the stress of living hand to mouth affected them. Now, living in a lesser neighborhood and attending lousy schools did but those are aside from the stress of living hand to mouth. I don't think it matters if we live here without financial stress or live her hand to mouth. My kids would turn out the same. I'm the one who would get grey hairs. Oh, wait, I already have them,lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:10pm
Oh, it's not. We just happen tot be discussing benefits to our children that arise from our working status. If all my WOH did was alleviate financial stress, I'd do it but not because it benefits my kids. Because MY life would be nicer without financial stress. Parenting is a lot more enjoyable when you don't have to worry about someone spilling a quart of milk because you can't afford another one.

Life isn't just about the kids. It's about the whole family. This is just a limited discussion.

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