Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:12pm
Problem is, while stress reduction is nice, that's really all it is. Nice. It's not a benefit to the kids. I see that as a benefit to the parents, which is fine, except we're discussing how our work situations benefit our kids here. The fact that I don't fret if I need to spend $100 that wasn't planned for is a plus for me. I'd consider myself a lousy parent if I involved my kids in my finances to the point they felt the financial stress.

Don't get me wrong. I really like living in a financially stress free houshold. I'd say it vastly improves my quality of life over the alternative but I just don't think whether or not you feel financial stress is going to impact how your kids turn out unless you're involving your kids in things you shouldn't be. What you can/cannot afford will affect them but whether or not you feel stressed shouldn't. The boys knew they never had a lot growing up but if we were having trouble making the house payment, they didn't know it.


Edited 12/25/2003 8:10:01 PM ET by cyndluagain

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:27pm
Do you actually think kids don't know when their family is financially stressed? And do you actually beleive that this doesn't put stress on them? Evidence? I'm living it. I have to watch every penny I make because I am a single working mom and right now can afford very few "luxuries". I purchased my daughter ONE gift for "Chritsmas" and am very lucky she is at an age where she can understand (18). Yes I do receive child support but after the rent, electric and telephone and part of the groceries that leaves my pay check...and gee I just don't make $80,000 a year. You bet kids feel the financial stress and yes it DOES effect them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:31pm
And again, not one of those things - in and of itself - creates a better person. nt
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:53pm
Ask a healthy homeless person. It's kind of hard to enjoy good health if you don't know where your next meal is coming from. Also, money can buy health. My MIL has had a few parts replaced to enhance her living. She couldn't have done that without money. Medicare will pay for a wheel chair but not new hips and knees to walk on. I suffer from Planar Fascia and require silicone injections into my heals to ease the pain (a condition that will only get worse as I age). I'd be SOL without good medical insurance or the cash to pay for the injections.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:53pm


Maybe not to YOUR kids but it has been a great benifit to my daughter. She doesn't have to worry about whether there will be a roof over her head or food in her stomach. By having to "fend for herself" after school she has become more independent and her self esteem has risen because she KNOWS she can do the things required of her. She has also found a new interest that she has been pursuing, that she has found she is quite good at, cooking. She is a WHIZ in the kitchen and now has yet another option for a career. You can't tell me that is not a benefit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 8:05pm
If they don't result in some positive for my kids, then they're irrelevent to my kids. While I can say that our financial situation did impact my ss's in a big way, it wasn't the stress that impacted them. It was going to lousy schools and living in the city (Detroit). The stress impacted dh and myself. Like good parents do, we tried to shield the kids from it. No sense worrying them about things over which they had no control. While I think our finances negatively impacted them, it was the financial situation NOT the stress caused by the financial situation. That was something dh and I had to deal with.

Trust me, I ENJOY raising kids and not worring about finances! I've done the hand to mouth route and would never volunteer to go back there. But it's really just something *I* enjoy. While my kids will benefit from our financial situation via good schools, a better neighborhood to live in, enrichment activities like music and dance and things like great medical care, the fact we don't have financial stress is transparent to them (unless dh and I are jerks who involve our kids in matters they shouldn't be).

If we lived where we we are now and were living hand to mouth instead of with more surplus than the average family makes, I don't think my kids would turn out significantly different. They MIGHT be more miserly but that's a big MIGHT. My MIL is the biggest penny pincher I know (grew up in the depression and was raised to waste nothing) so dh grew up in a household that had a tight budget but money burns a hole in his pocket. His mom is quite well off and still a penny pincher. Dh can't save to save his soul. Fortunately, I save enough for both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 8:15pm
Why would you allow your child TO worry about such things? I've lived poor but my kids never knew when we were having trouble making the house payment. I wouldn't consider letting them know. It's not their worry. Yes, my kids knew we were poor but they had no idea when I bought groceries on our charge card or when we had to borrow money to make the house payment. Those are things for adults to worry about not kids. My kids knew what they had to. For example, they knew when we couldn't afford things they asked for. While not getting some of those things did impact them, they were shilded from the actual stress of figuring out the finances. I did not then and do not now make my finances my kids business with the execption of explaining to them why they can't have everything they want.
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 8:33pm
How can you limit a discussion about what benefits kids to such an extent that you disregard the family? The function of the family directly affects the development of children. Therefore, the mental health of the parents DIRECTLY affects the children. I think the mental health of the parents should be one of the first things considered when deciding to SAH/WOH. Different families have different needs, but one cannot simply consider the kids without considering the family the kids are in.

Jenna

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 8:48pm
I can't understand why you don't see healthy parents as benefiting children.

Stress reduction is most definitely a benefit to kids. There are other types of stress besides financial stress. We don't have financial stress in our family. However, when I was working FT I was definitely much more stressed than I am now. NOT because of money, but because of time pressures. When I worked PT the stress level was much lower. But working FT was very stressful for my family and it showed up in lots of different ways, NONE of them financial as dh and I were making lots of money when we were both working.

It has been said that stress is America's number 1 health problem. Stress can contribute to: Cardiovascular Disease, neurologic disorders, depression, anxiety and panic disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder, alcoholism, immune system disorders, disease of the gastrointestinal tract, and many other diseases.

It is not just NICE to reduce stress. Stress reduction can be necessary for good health. I know more than one person whose health problems were resolved when they left a very stressful job. And having sick parents is a really big stressor for children.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 9:13pm
Great points Jenna!!!

No matter how much you shield a child they know when mom or dad is stressed. My DH suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and he doesn't tell the boys he has awful nightmares at night and that certain noises make him jump, but you can bet my 5 yo. notices a difference. Kids feel their parents stress.

I suffer from fibromyalgia and stress directly affects my pain level. More stress I'm under, the more pain I'm in. And how I feel directly affects my boys because when I can't get out of bed I can't play with them.

So, for some lowering their stress level by SAH is a benefit to both the parent and the child.

Mary


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