Which came first, the title or the SAHW?

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Registered: 07-21-2003
Which came first, the title or the SAHW?
1695
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 9:04am
Last night I attended my husband's work Christmas party. I sat with the CEO, CFO, CTO, COO (Chief operations officer, I didn't know that acronym, I had to ask), Creative Director, Marketing Director and their wives. Near the end of the evening it was just we wives chatting mostly about kids. I made the observation that even though all the wives were intelligent, educated and accomplished women, not a single one (except me), woh. They are all SAHM's.

Any thoughts on why that might be? I have my own opinion but I'd like to hear from everyone else first. Do you think they sah because of their husbands jobs or their husbands have their jobs because the wives stay home? Or doesn't it matter?

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Registered: 12-08-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:28am
Sweets:

I have Addisons my body doesn't make any cortisol so they supplement it. But I will say this until a year ago people were not touting cortisol which I have been having to deal with getting my supplement and everything. It's amazing to see it in the media now and for some people to actually realize how cortisol is produced and what it does and doesn't do. First off cortisol affects stress on the organs not so much the psychological stress that the media and world complains of.

I was hearing a comercial on radio about taking a tablet claiming that cortisol too much would make you maintain weight. Since I have had to supplement the synthetic hydrocortisone and there another drug they can use I find it amusing cause. Over production leads to another problem that can affect so many things. So before anyone takes those over the counter remedies seek your primary cause if you over do these things such as metabolife, cortaslim and such you will be seeking help not only from an endocrinologist but a cardiologist. It messes with your metabolism but the affects on the other organs of your body is what you have to be concerned with.

Balance in life.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:01am
But if it stressed you and your dh then it affected your kids, whether they knew it affected them or not. Just because they were unaware of the stress it caused you and your dh that doesn't mean it didn't affect them.

I am talking about what benefits KIDS, not the family unit in general. I think it benefits kids to have parents who are under less stress, financial or otherwise. Healthier parents DIRECTLY affect the children. And stress makes us sick in so many ways that I cannot even begin to list all of them. Reducing stress is not some indirect benefit, removed from the kids.

Jenna

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:06am
I don't think children need to KNOW about the stress to be affected by it. Healthier parents translate into a benefit for kids no matter how you slice it. I don't think every family reduces stress by having a SAHP. I think stress is an issue that can cut both ways. Some people are very stressed by financial difficulties, others by time pressures. Plus earning power of our significant others as well as the lifestyles we all choose to live come into play.

So I don't think it automatically translates that SAH=less stress, but I do think that less stress=a benefit for kids.

Jenns

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Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:08am
I take EXTREME exception to your post for a variety of reasons. << So basically what would you do if your child god forbid came down with a serious illness that basically she would need assistance ie with bathroom, feeding and a whole host of things, from academic to body. Would you then say you would still work full time? And shift that off on a caregiver or daycare????/ >>

yes, i've got one of those. my almost 10 year old has a genetic degenerative neurological brain disorder. She functions at approximately a 2-3 month old level. She is in diapers and tube fed and in a wheelchair. And YES, i continued working full time. I'll try to explain it to you and hope that it will give you some insight and understanding into how families like ours function. One of the reasons that i continued working was for health insurance -- especially in the early years when her care was filled with visits to all kinds of specialists -- neurologists, orthopaedics, surgeons, etc. Another reason was because I DID need a break every day because her care is physically and emotionally exhausting. Yet another reason was to keep our family as "normal" as possible -- and not allow her disorder to take over every aspect of our family life (especially since we have 2 other children). Additionally, her degenerative path is fairly long (prognosis is generally 5-10 years, but we know quite a few children who have lived until their early/mid teens) and i could not see staying home that long and deep-sixing my career like that.

as for her care, even having used dc, WE do the VAST MAJORITY of her care. She was in a home dc until she was 18 months old, then she was home with a nanny for 18 months until she went to school at age 3 (public special education school). She has been in the same classroom for 6 years with most of the same kids - they do "preschool" type things -- sensory, tactile, auditory kinds of things. And with all of that, i have NEVER considered it as "shifting off" her care.

It's almost ludicrous because the dcp or teacher is not the one that sits up with her until almost midnight until she falls asleep. They're not the ones that have sat by her bedside when she was in PICU after she went into respiratory arrest. They're not the ones that have had to handle her when she's been sick with a stomach bug or having trouble breathing. They're not the ones who flew with her to New Zealand for a ground-breaking gene transfer procedure in her brain. They're not the ones who watch her brother and sister interact with her -- and shower her with love and adoration. They're not the ones who panic at the slightest sound of her breathing differently -- or the ones who have to deal with each of the new physical changes that she goes through such as getting a wheelchair van and parking permit, getting a new bath chair, having surgery to put in a g-tube, getting a hospital bed for her room, etc. Please understand that i am NOT minimizing the role of her caregivers and teachers in her life. they have been and are some of the most special people, but WE are the ones "raising" her and ultimately, WE are the ones that are responsible for her care.

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have you or do you have school age children? teenagers? because you're clearly a bit off here, both from a teacher and a parenting standpoint. And it's funny that you mentioned it because most parents don't go through the trouble and expense of hiring a tutor until they reach the point at which they can NOT help their child any longer. Did you know that there are kids who do NOT work easily with their parents? My sister and i just had this conversation last week. She called to ask whether i thought she should enroll her daughter in Sylvan -- because her study skills are week and my niece is not letting her "help" in any way -- and by now, they have grounded her from everything possible. My sister is SO not trying to pass her daughter off --and would lOVE to save the time and expense of hiring an outside source. She and i batted it around because financially, i don't think they can swing it, not in the long-term. As her sister, I offered to give up my time to work with my niece on "how to study", if my niece is willing to work with me. She loves me as an aunt, but having me in a tutoring capacity is entirely different.

As for my own ds, you've obviously never worked with a child with ADHD at the end of the day, LOL! Sure he wants my help and time, but at the same time he doesn't. And as for "brief" time, you've obviously never had a middle or high schooler whose homework time can take between 1-3 HOURS per night -- excluding reading assignments and long-term projects.

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No, sometimes it's just not that simple.

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That is such a rude question. "why you bothered to have children"? PJM as uncaring, aloof and not caring about her children's feellings? I doubt it -- or else she wouldn't be here discussing all of it in detail. I don't think she said that her children's feelings do not matter or that it does not matter what they want. I think she's said that those feelings and wants can not dictate how the family is run -- especially when kids' feelings and wants can change as often as the wind changes direction.

I'm sure she had children because she wanted to be a mom and knew that she could do that AND continue to work.

eileen

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:17am
You don't think reducing stress is important because it doesn't affect your kids NOW? I have to say I find that ludicrous. I consider my children's future to be of concern today even though it won't happen right away. After all, don't we start saving for college when our kids are small?

You personally may not be all that stressed out by your family's situation. My argument is more general than just your situation.

I contend that excess stress affects children regardless of whether it is financial stress or other types of stress. I also contend that most people do not have an EXCESS of stress in their lives. So my discussion centers around those who do. For those that have an excess of stress I contend that the excess needs to be corrected. The reason it needs to be corrected is because an excess of stress affects health. And all children benefit from having healthier parents, whether it be today or in 20 years.

And the remedy for excess stress depends on who is being stressed, and what the source of that stress is. For some, the job situation is terrible but they need to have a job to survive. To those people, I say look for another job. For some there is just not enough money to go around. If that family has a SAH parent then that parent should get a job. If there is plenty of money but not enough time having a SAH parent may remedy the situation. There are other sources of stress that are harder to remedy (Kristy-care to chime in here?). To those I send my prayers.

But to say stressed parents doesn't affect kids is just ridiculous.

Jenna

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Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:41am
Simply noting that there is more than one thing to regret here and some matter more than others. Just because you regret something doesn't mean it was better to have had it. It just means you wish you had had it. There are lots of things we'll regret in life. Some of them will actually matter. For me, SAH would have been at the expense of college educations for my kids and my own retirement. Now THERE is something to regret not taking care of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:44am
ITA! This is why I believe in taking care of things when you can. I save aggressively for retirement even though I wouldn't choose to retire early. I could be downsized out or develop a medical condition that results in retirement earlier than I plan. There's so much that can happen and the time value of money being what it is, now is the time to take care of the future not later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:45am
I'd make sure my child is well taken care of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:55am
That would depend on how said parents handle the stress. Sorry, but I don't buy that less stress for the parents is an automatic benefit to the kids. If mom's a basket case because she can't deal with stress, that would be an issue but there are some really good drugs out there to handle that. I don't think parents experiencing stress translates into a negative for the kids. If that were the case, I think we'd see some differences in the kids of SAHM's and WM's that show how the different parental stress levels affect our kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:58am
And how does this relate to the cortisol levels they found in kids in dc? What is considered excess? At what point does more cortisol become problematic?? Sorry, but you haven't established that the cortisol levels seen in kids in dc are problematic. Are you suggesting that use of dc causes depression and anxiety disorders?? Are you claiming the levels of cortisol seen in dc kids are of the same levels of kids who are depressed and/or suffering from anxiety disorders?


Edited 12/26/2003 11:01:16 AM ET by cyndluagain

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