Who Do You Truly Trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Who Do You Truly Trust?
17
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 1:54am
Do you trust you S/O or DH to watch over the children?

I know a SAHM who's husband works 2 jobs, plus goes to school. While she stays home and takes care of the 2 children. That's fine that's their choice. BUT when he's not around (due to his responsibilities) she complains about everything from, "He's never around to help out around the house...to...I have no other adult contact...to...we just had to refinance our house so we could put food on the table this month (okay, so that is an exageration, but you get the point). I asked her one day if hubby has a set schedule, her answer was yes, of course. I suggested (stupid me) that MAYBE her DH could stay home with the kids on the evenings that he does not have classes. He could use the time to study after the kids are in bed. She could find a p/t job. That would increase her chances of having adult contact, and earn some extra $.

She shot daggers at me. For even suggesting that she leave him alone with the children.

How could you have a child with a person who is still part of your life, and yet not trust them with the child that you've created together?

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Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 9:52am
It's funny you should post this b/c I posted something similar not too long ago on another board. Here's the link to the thread:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psppissues&msg=6495.1&ctx=128

I basically questioned why other moms I know tell me why I'm so lucky my dd spends the weekend w/ her father (we're separated), so I can have free time. And that makes me think, Why do you need that type of set-up to have free time? Why can't their kids stay w/ their husband while they go out? After a few posts, the discussion turned into a "men who WON'T watch their children" discussion, but it was still interesting. But as far as your post specifically, I personally think it's kind of crazy when moms REFUSE to EVER leave their kids w/ anyone, but hey, to each his own. However, when moms won't even leave her child w/ her own HUSBAND, that to me, is insane!! And if I was a husband, I'd be highly upset & that's an understatement. My mom actually has a friend just like that. She has gotten better, though, b/c her child is now in school (which I'm surprised at) & she works part-time at nights while the child stays home w/ her husband. I almost had a heart attack when I heard that one! LOL But for the first, I'd say, 5 years of this child's life, she was NEVER away from her mother for more than one minute!! My mother would invite her out w/ the girls for coffee & the friend would say she's bringing her dd & my mom would say no, it's a girl's nights out. She can stay home w/ your husband. The friend looked at my mom like she had two heads!!

>>>>How could you have a child with a person who is still part of your life, and yet not trust them with the child that you've created together?>>>>

I'm w/ you on this one thousand percent!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:17am
Our original plan was for me to take 6 mons off followed by DH taking 6 mons off to avoid daycare during our son's first year. DH turned out to be a "not particularly nurturing" person of babies and young toddlers. They frustrated him because he is not very intuitive and he wasn't really willing to work to meet their needs. It was very troublesome to me, but I wasn't willing to divorce him over it. I'm glad, because he's a pretty terrific Dad whose abilities kick in about the time the kid turns 3. He's taken the kids alone on trips now and loved it (beginning about age 6). So no, I didn't really like leaving the kids with DH when they were very small because I knew I'd return to two very unhappy people. We had a great childcare provider who DID relate well to small kids, and my kids were happier with her that with their Dad alone when they were little. Not the way I pictured it in my rosy dreams, but that's the hand I was dealt, and I played it.
Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:35am
Yes, but at least you were willing to leave the kids w/ him. The plans just changed after everyone saw it wasn't working out & I think your reason for not wanting to leave them w/ him anymore was a good one. It wasn't b/c you didn't trust him. It was b/c he wasn't that great w/ the kids. There are some women who wouldn't even think of leaving their kids w/ their husband for no good reason & that's the thing that baffles me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:44am
I cannot even relate to that, my dh cares for his children all the time. He was a single parent for 6 years before I met him, I figure he knows what he is doing for the most part! I actually *DO* work pt in the evenings, as you suggested to her! Its been great, I get out a couple nights a week, dh is home so we dont have to worry about childcare, and I make very good money.

I dont understand it either.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for biancamami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 10:57am
I am happy to say I have a pretty good network of people that I trust with my child...my MIL, my Nanny, my husband,my mother, my sisters, my friends from church. I think its important to have that, not just for YOU but for your child. My DD has learned so many different things from each of her caretakers. I don't want to raise her thinking that I'm the only person she can trust and everyone else is incompetent at taking care of her needs...what purpose does it serve to make her 100% dependent on me? I want her to trust and love other people and I love to see how other people love to spend time with her. I like to share her with my loved ones! I know that some Moms don't have family close by or anyone that they trust....that must be very difficult.

I won't leave her in just *anyone's* care though. We've never had someone babysit her that didn't know her pretty well through other interactions.

Ana
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:09am
I also have my parents, my brothers and my sils, all of whom watch the kids on occasion. And my 4 best girlfriends too-we've always traded childcare out here and there.

I think its especially important that my kids get one-on-one time with other family members like grandparents, without me or dh being there. Its a whole different type of relationship and SUCH an important one!! I think grandparents are one of the most important people in children's lives, I really do. My children have such special relationships with my dad and my mom. Dad took dd on a trip out of state earlier this year, they had so much fun. And my mom and dd have a couple of annual camping trips they take. My dad often calls and says he wants to come pick up one or both of the children for the day-it would be COMPLETELY wrong of me to say *no* or insult him by thinking he wasnt able to care for them!

And my brothers too, are a very important part of their lives. I think they get something from them they dont get from dh or I. My youngest brother taught dd to snowboard, my other brother taught her about art and music. Even though they are younger and dont have kids, I still trust them completely with my children. Although watching them learn to change a diaper when ds was a baby was rather interesting, lol.....

I also wouldnt have just anyone watch my children, not at all (read below in personal messages about how picky I've been about finding a preschool for ds, lol!). But the other family relationships that they have are very important and necessary. I wouldnt want to keep them from it.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:15am
I know a woman who isn't attending her high school reunion because she doesn't trust her dh to watch her kids. He DOESN'T work 2 jobs or anything. She just doesn't trust him.

I am not attending my high school reunion because I hated all those people in high school, why would I spend a fortune going back to see them 20 years later. But-I do trust dh to watch the kids. I would find it difficult to be married to someone who couldn't care for his own children. It's not rocket science you know.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:25am
My DH has never resented or complained about watching the kids when I am not there. He is great with them and I am really lucky. I think some of the angst about DH's watching the kids is that they do not do it the same way. My DH has no concept of a schedule. The kids will go to bed when they are exhausted. They eat late and it drives me crazy. I had to learn to let go.

For example, I have trying to work out more since I am slightly overweight (OK ten or so pounds). Monday night, DH and Zak had soccer. I took Alex and went to the gym. I was there for 2 hours-walking, weight restistance and yoga. I got home at 8:00 and DH had not even started dinner. Zak had not eaten and he has school the next day. DH looked at me and asked if I wanted dinner. No, I want to starve. It was so irritating. The kids did not go to bed until 9:30 which I think is far too late. I know PjM and Mygarnet boy are horrified. Last night, I fixed dinner before I left. I got home at 8 and they still had not eaten but, at least, the food was cooked. I got them to bed by 8:45. I just try to make sure he takes them to school and daycare when they go to bed so late. He can deal with repercussions of two very tired boys.

KG


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:30am
We had our ten year high school reunion last week. I did not go. I don't talk to anyone that I went to school with. I don't live in the same town and I don't like the person I was in high school. Plus, it was $50.00 a couple. I told DH I would rather get a babysitter and go to a movie.

KG

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:46am
LOL That sounds like my SO, not to put him down in any way, shape or form. He's great, but these same things happen to me when I get home from school on weeknights. My dd will just be taking a bath, while if I was there, she would've been in bed already! I don't mean to be sexist, but I think it's a guy thing. I think females just have more of a knack for these types of things.

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