Who has influenced your sah/woh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Who has influenced your sah/woh
2912
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:39pm

opinion to DIFFER. What I mean is--is there anyone on this board or in real life whose opinion/reasoning/debating/facts started to make your thinking more to the middle? As in if you thought sah or woh was best & then after some discussion/thought, you began to think that whatever is best for each family--really there is no one best way, etc.

We just really needed a new thread here!!!!!!!!

VickiSiggy.jpg picture by mamalahk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:46am
Translation:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:48am

"15-yr-olds are not adults."

And...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:50am

"Nope. All you said was that what you get by having sex at 15 is having sex at 15. What can you get by having it at 15 that you can't get at 18 or 20? Nothing. You can't give me one single advantage."

Again, already answered.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:58am
I just don't see expecting my dd to get her own birth control as turning her down when she asks for help. I'll certainly talk to her about it and give her my ideas if she needs them, but I think that if she's old enough to make that decision, she's old enough to arrange for birth control on her own. In the end, this is *her* responsibility--I won't be there to put on the condom, so I think she's better off taking responsibility from the start rather than seeing it as some sort of joint effort between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:58am

"All you get by having sex at 15 is more sex and more sex partners in your lifetime. Like I said before, fine if your goal is to have a lot of sex and lots of partners. I don't see that as anything to strive for, and I would be very disappointed if my girls viewed sex that casually."

More sex???

More sex partners???

Goals wrt having a lot of sex and lots of sex partners???

Viewing sex casually???

Could you please cite where *I* have stated any of these things? TIA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:02pm

Let's say one spouse thinks college education is vitally important and the other spouse doesn't. Both of these values will be presented to the kids simultaneously whether the parents "choose" to jointly promote one or the other. It comes out in little ways in a million small acts and conversations that are completely independent of whatever speech the parents may jointly agree to give. And if one spouse really does strongly value it while the other doesn't, there is little point in agreeing to present only one value anyway. The kid will be able to pick up very easily which parent truly holds the value and which parent is faking it for the sake of consistency.

And that's ok. Because I don't think it confuses kids at all to realize that their parents hold different values. It's common enough and lots of kids simply ascribe one value to mom and one to dad. There is no cognitive dissonance in thinking, "mom really values college but dad could go either way". But they will smell in a heartbeat the hypocrisy of "mom really values college but dad could go either way but he's TELLING me he really values college even though he doesn't". Upthread I related the story of how my parents valued the tribalism of Judaism and marrying inside the faith, to the point that my choice of Catholic spouse caused a major values-challenging uproar. But that wasn't the whole story. To round it out, it's actually my dad who values the tribalism to an extreme degree. My mom holds it as a good value but not an absolute value. She did as good a job as could be expected of raising me as though it was a core, unbendable value of hers. But I always knew her value of it was far weaker than his- although they did choose to present it as a shared value-and this didn't confuse me in the slightest. It simply meant I knew she'd cave and accept dh sooner than he would. (And she did, by a 10 year margin.)

The upshot is, it doesn't matter what parents "choose to present" as a value if they don't share a particular value. The kids will figure out who has what values regardless of the parents' decision about what to share.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:04pm
Sounds like pretty typical thinking for a 15-year-old, doesn't it?
Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:08pm

No, you haven't answered it, but insisting you have is a nice distraction. I don't think it's fooling anyone though.

Show me where you've given any reason other than simply insisting sex at 15 is a good thing because it is. And please don't post that stuff about how you're not ashamed of yourself again and insist that's an answer. I don't care if you are or you aren't--I want to hear what is positive about having sex at 15.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:10pm
What is your reason then? And please don't tell me you've already answered the question. Just tell me what the reason is, if you indeed have a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:19pm

Why thank you.


PumpkinAngel

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