Who has influenced your sah/woh

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Who has influenced your sah/woh
2912
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:39pm

opinion to DIFFER. What I mean is--is there anyone on this board or in real life whose opinion/reasoning/debating/facts started to make your thinking more to the middle? As in if you thought sah or woh was best & then after some discussion/thought, you began to think that whatever is best for each family--really there is no one best way, etc.

We just really needed a new thread here!!!!!!!!

VickiSiggy.jpg picture by mamalahk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:31am

You've met one such sahp. And I am far from alone among the many sahps I know. I hire out everything possible. It started with my first and continued because my 3 are close in age. I'll admit, they make me dance and they've never lacked for attention. It was only when my youngest was over 18 months that I hired a regular weekly mother's helper so I could get back some personal time.

In-home dcps certainly have all of those things you mentioned (houses to maintain, yards to maintain, bills to pay, phone calls to make) and then their own kids and spouses on top of that.

Those who work in daycare centers do have lives and problems of their own, they bring those with them to their jobs just like every office worker out there. Even an office worker confined to a tiny cubicle with a stack of work to do, zones out and can waste an entire day accomplishing nothing. Daycare providers routinely post on the internet throughout the work day ~ I wouldn't doubt there are message boards just for center dc workers. Cell phones, newspapers, extended "coffee breaks," chatting with co-workers ~ there are a plenty of distractions in centers too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:43am

"I don't care which of my children is better at what. Doesn't really make a hill of beans to me. To be quite frank they don't compete. They aren't doing any of the same things so it really doesn't matter."

So are you saying that they are different? But which one *overall* is better? OR are they just different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:48am

"There is no across the board. You can't compare two individuals on different levels. You are asking me to compare apples to oranges. You asked which child was better. I replied on a couple of the examples. "

Now we are getting somewhere. Transfer that thought to other things. For many parents sah vs woh is that same thing. They are two different things but one is not *better* than the other. Frequently, different but equally valid choices. Apples and oranges, both fruit, both nutritional- but different and equally valid choices for a snack.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:19am

<>

Much of that change has to come from the women who remain on the job when they have children. Yet, you explained that you refuse to approach your employer to discuss the fact that you only make $0.88 to the male dollar in your company. You advocate change but are unwilling to work toward change.

<> First, you have to accept that men are new and improved. There are plenty of men helping with childcare these days. Times are definitely changing. I am more than thrilled with the childcare my DH does.

And IMO the reason there may be inequality in wages and power in the workplace is that men get to focus and devote more time and energy to their jobs. You advocate dual wohps. So many parents only give half of their focus to their job when they have new babies especially and children generally.

If you demand dual-wohps and absolute equality in housework and childcare, neither spouse can pull out, get ahead and take on important supervisory roles by giving that extra effort it takes to be anything more than the average Joe in corporate America.

Having a sahp solves that problem. So, maybe you're right that more men need to sah and let women give that extra effort in the workplace to be more than the average drone. But more men will never quit to sah so long as the wage disparity is arguably in their favor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:21am
Meh. I don't think daughters are so in the complete thrall of mom's life choices as you say. My mom never held a paid job past age 23 but that hasn't stopped me from WOH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:28am
Hmm, on this I must agree. I don't think the Family Medical Leave Act would have been passed if not for the current higher level of caretaking men have taken on compared to their own dads.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:28am

How people choose to spend their time was not the point, however. My point was that caring for several infants/toddlers does not automatically mean that they are getting less attention that one baby/toddler would. That often, caregivers of multiple children simply spend more focused time on children (and less on other activites) rather than spend less time with each child.

Did you not find that to be the case with your 2nd and 3rd closely spaced children? I understand about keeping you hopping. My three required *constant* supervision/interaction from a parent. *We* were tired, but *they* got the attention they needed and deserved. Having more than one to care for did not, IMO, diminish the quality of care *they* got - it just made us work harder, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:34am
Men are never going to SAH at the same level as women. I think a lot of men would rather not be married than live that way. The trump card that men have in this arena is that women apparently want marriage and children more than men do- on average (not dissing anybody's husband).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:39am
More to the point, I think lots of men would just as soon stay single and be the ones getting ahead if it starts looking to them like marriage/kids automatically leads to the sort of 50/50 absolute equal split that would hold them back at work. This is men's trump card. They pursue marriage/kids less ardently than women do and women (maybe subconsciously) agree to take on >50% of home duties in return for not staying single and childless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:43am

<>

I think women have come a long way. I think the fact that we many choices we did not have in the past means we have come a long way. yes, there is more to be done but having every woman work is not the answer.

I am the glass is half full type of person.

<>

I never stated that. I meant that I am not going to return to work to prove a point or help your "movement". I do not need to prove who I am by working. That is ridiculous.

<< If so, what do you think about your husband not taking responsibility for his chldren or is his only responsibility a financial one?>>

Who said he is not taking responsiblity. My dh has turned down numerous positions b/c of the time they would take away from home. I am returning to work and he is wah 2-3 days per week. He has turned down a position at a different company b/c it would mean I could not return to work yet.

<< And why woudln't your responsibility also be a financial one? Parenting responsibility should not be gender specific. We are all responsible for both the care and support of our children. >>

And who said it was? Not me. When we decided I would sah it was purely financial at first. M dh made 3x the amount I did and I hated what I was doing. I *wanted* to sah b/c I do not see the point of a baby in daycare.

<>

I have a great reeason for sah...I want to be with my children when they are small. What benefit is daycare to an infant/toddler? None. I wanted to be at home with them and it is that simple.

" Logic tells me that I am my children's mother."

<>

That is your opinion not fact. I think infants and small childrne do need a sahp. I think they do benefit from being at home. I did not have to bring a 3 month old baby to daycare on a miserable morning. I got to bring my kids with me everywhere. I see a huge benefit to me being at home with my kids. Everyone is different.

<< They don't turn out differently if they have one. That being the case, how does your being their mother mean you should be home with them? My being my children's mother means I am responsible for their care but that doesn't mean I have to be the one providing hands on care 24 x 7. I can meet my responsibility to care for my children by hiring good care for them too. So the fact I am their mother has nothing to do with my choice to work or not. It just is. >>

That is great that you are comfortable with hiring othercare for babies and toddlers. I am not. I went back to work with my oldest for around 8 months. I was miserable. I did not like it at all. I felt I was missing something I could not get back later. Turning out differently? How do you know? I do not think in the long run it makes a difference but for me it made the world of difference with MY kids.

<>

If I have to tell you the logic behind the dersire to sah with my kids, there is no point. Either you have that desire or you do not. Not everything in life is a statistic or study. If I had used othercare, I would have regretted it alot. I would have missed out on a lot.

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