Who is raising your children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Who is raising your children?
553
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 3:15pm

First a few disclaimers - if you are a single or divorced parent, you probably don't have a choice between being a SAHP or a WOHP, (unless you are independently wealthy and then i'm very jealous of you!), most likely you have to WOH to be able to provide the basics for your children.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 9:38pm

I think it all depends on how you view "raising". I view raising as the big picture process that occurs from birth to adulthood. It involves making important decisions regarding spirituality, education, health, the teaching of morals and values. I consider the day to day stuff to be caregiving, not raising. While I think that raising includes caregiving, I do not believe that caregiving in the absence of the more fundamental decision making, or caregiving that is for only a slice of the child's childhood, to constitute raising.

If the woman in the article asked for the nanny's input into the bigger decisions, or gave the nanny the authority to make some of those decisions, and intended the nanny to be part of the child's life for a very, very long time, then it was fair to say the nanny was helping to raise the child. However, I do not think that every parent who turns over part of the caregiving to a non-parent is also turning over part of the raising.

Both of my parents worked. I had other caregivers, but no one else raised me. My personality, my goals, my values, my education, my spirituality have all been formed by my parents. Any influence that any of my other caregivers or teachers had on me, while positive and worth appreciating, pale in comparison to the influence my parents had over me and for that reason, I feel it would be misleading and completely downplaying my parents' role to say that anyone else raised me.




Edited 7/8/2009 9:39 pm ET by ka032006
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 9:59pm

I'm a ft wohm and I've always been/known that I'm the Primary Parent (what a silly title, by the way, lol).


AND as for teachers, sorry but NO, we are EDUCATING your children -- NOT raising them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:08pm

i have one friend who sah until her dd was 9. My mom sah until I was 12 and the youngest was 6.


I don't NEED to sah to know that 1.) it's not needed to raise great kids, 2.) I don't want to sah, 3.) I can't imagine how my kids could have turned out any better, 4.) I ALREADY am AT HOME for 180 DAYS per year (gotta love teaching) and on the days that I work I'm home by 3:30/4:00.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:33pm
Why, oh why, do my edits never actually show up.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:35pm

Do you have signatures turned on or off?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:51pm

"my opinion is that unless there is an absolute financial need for you to work, one parent(mom OR dad) should be home with young children, at least until they are in elementary school. "

And the difference is...??

Really, I don't see why there is one? Why is it okay to WOH if you are divorced or single? I mean, just do what Dr. Laura says and go home to mommy, or give your child up for adoption.

And why is part time, or "mostly on weekends" okay? "Mostly?" So you do work during the week. Isn't ANY minute away from your kids a bad thing? Seriously, even if you are only away from them for 6 hours a week, isn't that too much?

And how much part-time is okay? I mean, I did 30 hrs/week for awhile. Is that okay? Or is the cut-off 20? It's okay for you to work to pay for food, but not me? I mean, my spouse makes 6 figures. We could swing it without my salary. Oh, it would be tough (we're in So. Cal), and there would be no cable TV, and a lot of beans and rice. But we could swing it. And I should do this...why?

Should I go to a weekend shift? It's been offered. 12 hour shifts, I could do days or nights. With it being weekends, that means I'd only be working Monday or Monday and Tuesday, depending on the week. That cuts back on child care/preschool for sure, down to about 8-16 hrs/week. Is that okay? Does it matter that we shift our schedules so that I go in early and leave early? Yes or no? And why on earth is it your business? You don't NEED to work. Cut your expenses. Sell your house. Move to a smaller place. Let him get a second job.

I just never understood why all of a sudden giving birth means I have no need to be an engineer anymore. Well, sorry about those two degrees and 14 years of experience, you don't really need that...

For the record, our daycare providers are a great help to us. They have more experience in their little fingers than we have, for sure. Decades worth. And we chose them because of a meshing of our values. So sure! They help. A little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 10:54pm

"I'm asking those that work a typical 40 hour week. if you and your spouse both work 8 hours per day, plus commute time, you need care for about 9 hours a day-that's 45 hours per week. Yes there are exceptions to this, aren't there for everything?"

YOU are speaking of the exception here though. The average child in othercare IS in care 30 hrs/week, so YOUR 40+ hours is the exception. I only know of TWO children (of about 30) who are in othercare for 40 hours or more per week.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Easy. Shifted schedules, weekends, working from home in the evening...that's how. That's standard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 11:02pm

Since the militant anti-WOH-because-they-like-to crowd is always SOOOOO eager to tell us to listen to our kids about whether or not they'd like a SAHM, I though I'd ask my kid who raised him.

He says me and his Dad did. Even though we WOH. Imagine that.

Oh wait, I have a Golden Single Uterus Escape Clause™, so I don't count. So I asked my ex and his wife (who both WOH) to ask THEIR kids. Their kids agreed with their older brother (my kid) and said, their Mom and Dad are raising them.

We win. To celebrate, we're all gonna go to DisneyWorld.

************

Kitty

The horrifying consequences of underaged
baking cannot be overstated.--me, because there's nothing you can't learn from teh
interwebz


************

Kitty

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing."-- Kingsley Amis, British novelist, 1971 t .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 11:08pm

Well, to be completely honest, I *have* occasionally heard Moms right on this board claim that they and they alone raised their kids. Didn't even give the Dad credit.

But those were usually militant SAHMs. Occasionally we get a similarly whackish WOHM militant to claim the same thing. Since I've been listening to Chumbawumba on the iPod recently (which I probably shouldn't even admit to ;), I'll quote it and say, I think it's bollocks ;) But I think it's completely fair for parents, whether working or not, to claim they raised their own kids.

I'll see the original poster's "Who's with the kids all day?!?" and raise her a "Who will the police call when Bratley runs a stop sign and flips the family car?" If the daycare provider has no legal responsibility for the kid when he crosses the line, she doesn't get the "I raised him!!!" credit.

************

Kitty

The horrifying consequences of underaged
baking cannot be overstated.--me, because there's nothing you can't learn from teh
interwebz


************

Kitty

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing."-- Kingsley Amis, British novelist, 1971 t .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 11:16pm

Not really.

The ex works a 40 hour work week, 5 days a week. He has a 45 minute commute. His wife, my son's stepmom, works a 55 hour work week, typically (it varies). She has a 45 minute commute.

Their kids are in other care for the summer 30 hours a week (from 9am to 3p). Ex leaves for work at 5:30a. His wife drops of their kids at 9a. Ex gets off work at 2:15p and picks up the kids at 3p. Their Mom gets home usually around 6 or 7, depending.

Now, granted MY son is in "other care" for up to 50 (and sometimes 60) hours a week. But his boss has asked me to stop sending the diaper rash ointment.

************

Kitty

The horrifying consequences of underaged
baking cannot be overstated.--me, because there's nothing you can't learn from teh
interwebz


************

Kitty

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing."-- Kingsley Amis, British novelist, 1971 t .

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