Why are working moms so angry and defensive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Why are working moms so angry and defensive?
56
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 1:26am
This whole board is extremely scary to approach if you are a sahm and love doing it or at least feel you are doing the right thing for your child. The minute a sahm says my children love me at home or I don't want anyone else taking care of them during the day, the working moms immediately start making sarcastic remarks, such as "oh, I guess I am hurting my kids by working" or you start acting as if they are more intelligent or have a higher education than sahm's. Frankly, I believe the defensiveness and anger comes from guilt and insecurity. Maybe, deep down inside you think that your child wants you around more. Ok, start going crazy on me for stating an opposing thought that goes against the mob.
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Registered: 06-04-2003
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 9:04am

I don't find this to be a SAH vs. WOH mom issue. The perceived feeling of anger and defensiveness is probably valid, but it probably is not necesarrily valid for the reason you think.

In a management class I took I learned about being right vs. being self righteous. What it came down to was when you believe you are right about something (whether it be about saying at home or how to market a product) if you feel your "right" and are confident in your decision you are also open to understanding why and when your idea may have some negative impact or downfalls. But, when you are self righteous you not only think you idea is superior but you have to prove to others that their decisions are not as superior or actually wrong to believe in yourself.

This type of presentation of ideas will lead to anger and self defensiveness.

I teach my children that you not only are responsible for your actions but you are responsible for your impact. For example,

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 8:24am
And herein lies the issue with me, Do we regret experiences at the cost of children? I have a special needs child, There are compromises we've had to make over the years, she's difficult with change too. But I don't see any of our expriences (or having to change around experiences) as something I/we regret. Maybe I'm missing something here, Or maybe my kids just aren't old enough to look back at it differently than I do right now.

FTR, I don't feel guilt either, I attach guilt to mundane things like not hitting the gym, eating too much, etc.

 

 

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 8:14am
Ok, thanks. And I agree, I won't feel guilty for something I know I couldn't avoid either.

 

 

Avatar for rollmops2009
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Registered: 02-24-2009
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 3:15am
Good example!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 9:44pm
chestnuthooligan wrote:
My example, we traveled all over the world with our two oldest children. Our third child had extreme issues with change and we could no longer travel as we had before. I regret that the children lost those experiences, but I have no guilt in taking care of the needs of my youngest.

Yes, exactly.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2009
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 7:15pm
My example, we traveled all over the world with our two oldest children. Our third child had extreme issues with change and we could no longer travel as we had before. I regret that the children lost those experiences, but I have no guilt in taking care of the needs of my youngest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 5:48pm
Good grief, what kind of job do you have?!? I work 12-hour night shifts and my kids are old enough to fend for themselves, though I do usually cook a nutritious meal before I go to work. They clean the house and do the dishes and yard work, badly, yes, but it does sort of get done enough. As for me, I have severe allergies, so, alas, my doc says no cleaning for me. (I love that man beyond reason!) As for taking time for yourself? I learned a long time ago that if I don't, it's no one's fault but mine. Men don't ever feel guilty for taking a few hours to do whatever they like to do as a stress reliever, so neither should we. Believe me, most kids are happy to get rid of cranky mom! I'm ordering you to take a darn break and spend an hour or 2 doing whatever you want to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 4:19pm
jamblessedthree wrote:
What is the difference b/w regret and guilt IYO?

I refuse to feel guilty over something I couldn't help or avoid.

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 4:06pm

Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 2:29pm
Regret is when you realize that doing something other than what you did would have been more pleasant, enjoyable, advantageous etc. Guilt is when you feel that whatever you chose to do was morally wrong. For example, I regret spending dd's early years in the US, but I have no guilt over it.