why the debate...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
why the debate...
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:14pm
In regard to another post about why there even is this debate... it's not at all about who is better or worse as you said in your post. I don't think that is the point of debate at all.

I feel the reason we talk about these things is so we can make educated choices about our lives. It is good to get the point of views of those who have stayed at home and those who have worked. I wish that we could get the point of views of the kids on here too! Now that would be interesting!

As someone who had my mother in the home, I can honestly say I am grateful that she stayed home. She could have been a career woman, she had a BS, she was working before I came along... but she decided to make motherhood her career and never regreted that. I know that I am a better person because of her choice. Does that make it right for everyone? Of course not, but I think there is a lot to be said about staying home, at least while your children are young. Does that mean I think working mom's are bad people? Absolutly not!

Ok, there's my 2 cents worth!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:22pm


>>>I know that I am a better person because of her choice. Does that make it right for everyone? Of course not, but I think there is a lot to be said about staying home, at least while your children are young.


How do you know you are a better person because your mom chose to stay home? You didn't experience her as a working mom, so you really have no way to make a comparison, unless you left something out of your post.

As for staying home "at least while your children are young"...if you think it is important to stay home with your children, why does it suddenly become less important, or less "to be said" to stay home when children get older? Personally, I think middle school is a highly vulnerable stage in children's lives, where greater parental involvement is paramount.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 5:22pm
You said: <

That's a very good point. My kids are ages four and two, and I had always thought that I would stay home until they are in school. However, having taught middle school children in the past, I am aware that older children have many needs as well. I have a lot of time to think about what I'll do in the future, but right now I have no idea. I don't see how I can return to work and be here for my kids in the way that I want to be here. I suppose I'll be looking into part time options.

And for the record -- I totally respect WOH moms. I realize that a small number of them do not respect me in return, but that is not my problem. As a woman, I have a real problem with people who try to tell other women how to live their lives and raise their children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 5:47pm
what you said!! my mom was a teacher and if she stayed home, we would have never had all those valuable hours, days, years with my grandmother, whose love i absolutely cherished/cherish everyday of my life. i feel that is a gift my mother gave me as a result of she not being able to be home with us. my grandmother came everyday until jr high, and then a couple days a week until i was in ninth grade. we had our mom home with us on holidays and through the summer, so i feel i had the best of both worlds. not only am i proud my mom touched so many kids lives, but i got to have my grandmother, while i "shared" my mom with them. i dont know how i would feel about my mom not working because i didnt experience it, but i have wonderful childhood memories and im thankful for that.

as far as staying with the children when they are teenagers, or at least being very available/accessable....amen to that!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 6:27pm
Your questions:

I know that I am a better person because of my mom staying home, because I was able to have more interaction with her than I would have if she was at work. She is a great example to me, and I feel that I would have missed out on so much learning if she had been gone. This doesn't mean that people with working moms aren't good people, or that working moms aren't setting a good example for their kids... this was just my feelings about my experience.

As far as "while they are young", in my opinion that would be until they were out of high school. I think that high school can be almost as bad as middle school, if not worse. It's good to be there so kids have a place to go that is a safe haven, a place for them and their friends to be after school. That is how it was for me, and I appreciated being able to come home and talk to my mom about the things that happened that day. I know that having the accountability to her helped me stay out of trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:01pm
you said, <<<>>>> question///what would the alternative have been? daycare? private home care? nanny? you dont know, so how do you know you would have missed out on "so much learning"? my grandmother stayed with me while my mom worked, and i wouldnt trade *that*. i have nothing but wonderful memories of her, and am glad my mom worked, allowing me the experience of staying with my granny. she was a wonderful, warm, kind, patient, giving, intellegent human being. what more could i, or my mom, who *had* to work ask for? was i ripped off? maybe in your opinion, but i think you were. i know what is on the other side. it works both ways. im glad you have nice memories of your sah mom, but i have them of my wohm, and you didnt learn any more than i did. my moms working status as well as yours has absolutely nothing to do with how much we learn.

in addition, hundreds of kids out there learned more, because my mom was a teacher.

Avatar for bobcatkathi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 8:47pm
I don't think there is a debate IRL only in the papers, TV and the internet. It just give folks a way to get out their hostile feelings that they don't express to real people.

This is strictly a form of entertainment as far as I am concerned. I have rarely ever debated anything concerning this to anyone IRL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 8:49pm
ok, don't take this the wrong way, but did you actually read what I wrote, or did you just have your response ready no matter what I wrote?

As I said, it was MY experience. I also said that I knew it wasn't right for everyone. You had your grandmother in the home... and that is wonderful. For me it would have been daycare. I have a friend who works in day care, and has a child. She can't wait for the day she can stay home because she sees first hand what it does to the kids, and she works at a very good daycare in a hospital. Does that mean I think daycare is bad? I don't know since I have never been there, but she thinks it is, and she is there everyday with her child.

Also, incase you missed the point in my original post... I was responding to what someone else had said about this debate being about who was better. As I said, we talk about it so we can make the best choice for ourselves. Never did I say anything about one way being better than another, I was just expressing my point of view from my own experience, just as you did from yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 9:21pm
So let's do some math....If "while they are young" means until the last is out of high school, then i would be out of the workforce for over 22 YEARS... and would reenter the workforce at 49 YEARS old...WHAT kind of a job do you think i would be qualified for? What about in the early days when my paycheck was a necessity? What about the health insurance that i provide from my job? Do you think we could have lived without it? Hmmm, just this past two weeks i've spent well over $150 on prescription meds -- AND that's just the co-pays!

That would have meant no vacations to visit family or just have fun, no sports/activities for the kids, field trips would be a hardship. I guess we would also have had trouble visiting the aquarium, zoos, science museums, et...

No thanks. I like our life with me as a WOHM. And MY wohm set a great example for me. She was home every afternoon by 4pm (as i am with my kids)...and there was virtually no problem that couldn't wait one hour (and if there is for my kids, that's why there are cell phones).

There are plenty of ways for kids to be accountable to mom without mom sah.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:10pm
Well for those who choose to stay home - the early years are certainly the most important. These are the formative years - the years when personality and moral development occur - not to mention the wiring of the neuropathways. While middle school kids may require lots of parental support - if all the right things were done in their first 5-6 years - those teen years go much more smoothly.

I will be home with my children while they are young - to ensure that those formative years are formed by me! Once they are in school, I think I will return to work - they will still be my primary focus in life, but they will be in school for the entire day! I would have a hard time justifying staying home when they are in school all day. My sister did it and it was really such a waste of valuable time. Now she is a grandmother and is so totally dependent on her dh - being at home is wonderful, but I also think it is important to be able to look after yourself - should you ever have to...



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:36pm
"My sister did it and it was really such a waste of valuable time."

Who thought it was a waste of time?? Her kids, her hubby ? Or just you ?


but they will be in school for the entire day! "

In what universe ? For most people the school day is 6 1/2 hours. The average work day is 10, when you factor in lunch & the commute & sometimes the OT. Also, those annoying 1/2 days seem to be cropping up more & more. Not to mention, winter break, spring break, and every major & minor holiday. I think are school district is trying to sneak in a year round schedule. The kids are starting in Mid August now, and the year is stretching to the end of May & sometimes the beginning of June. This year they had Spring break & Easter Break & 2 days off for MLK break. What's up with that ? So much for your "they will be in school for the entire day" theory.

If you think spending your time with your kids is a waste of valuable time, then it's your time, spend it how you wish. but maybe your sister enjoys spending time with her kids, so don't knock her for her choice.

I SAH in the summer with my 13 year old. I wouldn't trade a miniute. I love our time together. I would like to SAH during the school year too, but that would be a little more financially tight than I would want to handle. (We could probobly survive on DH salary alone, but it would be verrrrrry tight, so this is our compromise) I don't consider a single moment spend with my son to be a waste of time (although some of the time has been very challenging !)