Why do women do this to themselves??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why do women do this to themselves??
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 11:16am
I have a friend who started staying home last year with her new baby. She is still adjusting to staying home and having a new baby. Over the last several months, I have heard several comments about how her DH won't allow her to buy clothes or won't allow her to go to the movies. It is driving me crazy! I know it is not my life but I don't understand why women put up with crap like that from their husbands.

On Dr. Phil last week, there was a woman who SAHM and she had no clue what their financial situation was. She did not know how much money was in the checkbook, what credit cards they had or retirements accounts they had. Her DH had her on an allowance of $50.00 a week. She only got it when she had the house cleaned and clothes folded. Why? Why would she put up with that? I SAHM for a year and my DH never acted like he could "allow" me to do things. I handled the finances too.

If anyone is in this type of situation, please explain it to me. Is it that it is not worth your marriage to bicker about it? Is it that SAHM so important that you are willing to subordinate yourself to your DH? I know not every SAHM is in this type of relationship and I am sure some WOHM might be. I have just seen it more in the SAHM marriages.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 11:40am
It's not just women! My DH has a very close friend who has a relationship like this with his wife, only HE is the one being trampled on! And guess what? His wife is a corporate attorney, making VERY good money, especially in Oklahoma. They have been married like 12 years or so, and just this past year did she finally put his name on the house! He drives a 1970-something jeep, while she has a mercedes, which she replaces every 2-3 years. She is buying her princess daughter (turning 16 this year) a brand new car for her birthday, but won't "allow" her husband to get a new one.

He does work, he owns a small construction company, but she manages the money, taxes, etc on it. Therefore, he never sees a penny of it. She says she is paying off his "bills". But what "bills" could he possibly have that took over $40,000 in the past 6 months? He has no clue what their financial situation is, either.

He isn't even allowed to use either of the bathrooms in the morning until she and her "princess" daughter are finished getting ready. One morning, my husband went over to pick him up to go out and do something, and she threw a hissy fit because she didn't want someone invading HER home in HER morning time. UGH

Did I mention I hate this woman? She never wanted anything to do with me until she learned I was going to school, with plans of law school in a few years. Now she wants to chat and chat and chat. I told DH that we should invite them over for dinner, and see her reaction, when they pulled up, to the fact that we live in a double-wide manufactured home....in a trailer park, no less. ROFL...I don't think she would even come inside!

I don't know what goes on with these people. I know with DHs friend, he needs someone to lead him. He has some emotional issues, like my husband, as he was shot like 6 times when he was just 17. However, if it were me, I would have been gone long ago.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 11:42am
My guess is that most of these women don't want to face the adult responsibilities associated with family money management and prefer to adopt a helpless perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 2:21pm
I agree that that is the case in some situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:35pm
Laziness pure and simple. If you are willing to allow yourself to be completely controlled, that relieves you of the responsibility of being accountable for choices, it means you don't have to think, and you never have to worry about requiring anything of yourself. If you allow others to enslave you mentally, you never have to worry about giving anything of yourself--you just let others take from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 3:48pm
I have friends with that scenario. One just blames her dh because she needs an excuse to say no. She has no backbone and makes up excuses all the time. I don't know how many times her dd has been sick (as in "I can't go because we just got back from the hospital sick), I would say at least twice a month once you add up all the other people besides myself who have asked her to join something. She is the one who makes me cringe when I hear people making up extravagent excuses instead of just saying "no thank you" and leaving it with that.

Then I have another who is the dh of a sah and he claims to never be able to spend any money. That his wife is a tightwad, etc, etc, etc. What he doesn't tell you is that they sat down with a financial planner when they considered for her to stay home and he put them on a pretty strict budget based on the amount of money he makes. He also doesn't tell you that although he might not always have 50 bucks to blow on a Friday night...he (by himself) blows about 5g on "men only" vacations and hunting clubs a year.

In my situation, I know more about the finances (and always have, no matter what my work status was/is-current WAH) then dh. He has no clue what is available to him in the checking account. I tease him that I could clean him out and he wouldn't have a clue until the creditors started calling. The difference is, he has no set monthly allowance (he isn't a spender anyway) and if he needs $$ for something...he asks if we have it available and away he goes.

I guess there is too wide of a variety to nail down why anyone does anything. Because of hte experiances I have with the friend that is similar to yours...I rarely ever beleive the "my dh won't let me" spiel. It might be true, I am sure it is in many cases...but like I said...I have a hard time believing it. Maybe because niether dh or I would ever live like that.

And about the woman on Dr. Phil...*that* I can see. Unfortunatly (like my dh) some people have absolutly no interest in getting to know their check book. They think it is just easier to let someone else take care of it for them. I cringe if anything ever happened to me. He would most likely be able to figure it out enough to get into a groove of his own...but the time he would be wasting trying to get it all together! I have tried to convince him to sit down with me, but he won't. He just has no interest in it whatsoever. Sad part is...he is a math wiz and I am a math idiot.

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 4:02pm
That is sad. I'm a SAHM, but hubby and I have separate checking/savings accounts. I know exactly how much his paycheck is and we both know where the money goes. Both accounts are in both our names, but basically, he pays for the mortgage and auto, house, health, and life insurance plus things like medical bills out of his and I pay for household expenses, utilities, and things for the kids out of mine. We each have a certain amount of discretionary "allowance" (same amount for both of us) that we don't have to account for how we spend it. Even though he is the primary earner, his paycheck is "our" money. We live on a budget that we have agreed upon and I don't have to go to him like a kid with my hand out asking for money. I know exactly what is coming in and what is going out. I don't live on a monetary reward system. I don't clean house in order to get to buy a new outfit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 6:04pm
My sister is a stay at home mom and goes through the same stuff. I really think she has no say in anything because she doesn't work. Whatever her husband says is the law. She always tries to sound like she's happy but I think she really isn't. I've seen her near the breaking point sometimes when she talks about him or the kids. At one time I envied her because she didn't have to work (I do) but now I don't. I really feel bad for her and wish she could see a therapist or have someone (impartial) to talk to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sat, 08-02-2003 - 11:58pm
I saw that dr. phil show too, I don't understand why women would put up with that either. Crazy. I'd tell the guy to go ldid himself. Women who lose their individuality when they get married fall into this category. Crazy. I know a few women who have done this, and frankly, I can't stand to talk to them anymore. Anyone who can rule your life like that, I think, in my opinion is considered weak, and therefore, I do not care to associate with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 12:11am
OT but how are you and your new baby doing?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-03-2003 - 10:39pm
I don't think it is laziness at all. Some women were raised that they are the more "passive" one in a marriage. I don't agree with this, but I can understand it. Some women are like the man mentioned in one of the other posts. They need to be "led" by someone. A lot of women have this type of relationship, and they are perfectly happy with it. However, if you aren't happy with the relationship, regardless of how it works, you should do what you can to change it.

I personally am the opposite. My husband knows how much he makes, but he rarely sees any of the actual money. I balance the checkbook, I pay the bills, I take care of any purchases, from groceries to the kids' clothes. He knows what is bought, and we discuss any major purchases, but I usually am the one to make the final decision, because I know how much money there is to go around. He has a debit card to our joint account, but if he needs or wants something, he usually just asks me to get it for him.

This works for us, although sometimes I wish he would be a little more involved. But I absolutely could not stand it if he handled the bills and I had to ask him for every penny I wanted or needed. It really all depends on how the couple choose to work together. But, as I said, if one or both is not happy with the situation, it should be changed. --->Dawn