Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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Avatar for akpennington
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:07am
I know it's irritating when a lurker pops into a debate out of nowhere, but I've been sitting on my hands since this thread (and several others over the past couple of years) started.

Anecdotal as it is, my husband has cozied himself up into a pretty cushy job. He's treated like gold at work. His boss takes him to BIG lunches several times a week. Sure, he sits behind a desk some days. Yes, his job gets stressful sometimes. Sometimes he even has to do manual labor. He also gets to shop on the company's credit. He also gets to come and go - most of the year - as he pleases. He gets home between three and four pm most of the year. Last week and next week (including this weekend) he'll work all day. He works hard, no doubt about it. But he's not working to support ME. He's working to provide money for OUR family.

We have three young children. Two have conflicting school schedules at different schools. Until almost 2 months ago, I couldn't drive. That meant walking 2-4 miles every school day for two school years. (this year, my brother drove the older to hers and my son and I walked the younger until April when I got my DL) Even now that I drive, that sucks up a large chunk of the time I have from wake up to dh's return home. I do all the regular stuff everyday - a few loads of laundry, 2 rounds of dishes, sweeping constantly, mopping constantly, 3 meals a day.... usual stuff. Nothing special. It's part of my day. But my house is like a broken amniotic sac. The mess keeps regenerating itself. It's an ongoing process. 6 people live here and there is always someone here. Deep cleaning happens on the weekends - it won't get done during the day. There's no time. At night there are NEW dishes, laundry, mopping, etc. That does take time for me because it's start stop, start stop.... all night long.

My husband comes home (after his 90 second commute), lays down on the couch, and goes to sleep. He gets up to eat. Back to sleep till the older two go to bed. (ds stays up very late - with me) Then into his study to game or finish up stuff he didn't finish at work. (and yeah, I DO help him with his work at home. I do his stuff all the time) He goofs off till 2 or 3 am and then the cycle repeats.

You're darn right I ask for help. Especially on weekends. He's not living on a self cleaning yacht. Someone actually has to clean up after *his* messes. I am absolutely his

equal. I don't understand, honestly, how leaving home to work *automatically* makes that person exempt from doing ANYTHING else to contribute to the household. It just isn't that cut and dry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:08am
I know! My DS has inherited all of my allergies, I knew it when we had to start the zyrtec and we are not sure what we aren't going to have to do allergy injections/testing, the whole ball of wax with him. Especially since my little niece is going thru it herself.

I'm year round allergies, I don't ever get a break. They are worse at times but basically it is like I have a cold all the time, ick!

My husband and little boy had a true "father and son day" today all by themselves (I did go to dinner w/them). And they were outside a little so Im sure we will hear him coughing and wheezing, sneezing tonight. He decided last week to bring home some treasures he found (maple tree leaves) and those had me feeling yucky for the night and a scratchy throat the next morning.

The last time I visited my MIL we sat out for I'd say 25-30 minutes and I dearly paid for that for 3 days w/headaches, scratchy throat, sneezing, wheezing, the whole boat load of allergy joys.

I hope you feel well and keep taking that claritan. I'll start some kind of allergy meds once I give birth (watching the clock, waiting on time so I can get my epidural lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:10am
>>>Every SAHM I know has time for hobbies, reading books, going to the park, gabbing with friends, etc, etc, etc...<<<

I hate to tell you this, Cyndi, but "going to the park" is VERY much why my husband and I chose to have a SAHP for our children. We did not choose to do so in order to have someone to do do the dishes or for me to be lazy (or him when he was to SAH). We chose to have a SAHP so that our children could participate in the things we felt important for them. "Going to the park" was one of those things. Just as regular trips to the zoo, science museum, library, etc were. Those things came before ANY kind of housework did. That was a choice of BOTH my DH and myself.

Many people feel the same way. Just because a family chooses to have a SAHP doesn't mean they choose to do so because that parent wants to stay in the house being lazy. It is typically because the parents see the benefit to their children in having a SAHP. As such, they have priorities as to how that SAHP will spend their time SAH with the children. Believe it or not, housework isn't always at the top of that list for either the SAHP or the WOHP. Go figure.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:11am
I'm glad you didn't sit on your hands and you started typing! Way to go, thanks for delurking.

ITA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:14am
Yes.....

"We chose to have a SAHP so that our children could participate in the things we felt important for them. "Going to the park" was one of those things. Just as regular trips to the zoo, science museum, library, etc were. Those things came before ANY kind of housework did. That was a choice of BOTH my DH and myself."

This sounds like the discussion my husband and I had prior to marriage and many times over prior to parenthood.

"It is typically because the parents see the benefit to their children in having a SAHP. As such, they have priorities as to how that SAHP will spend their time SAH with the children. Believe it or not, housework isn't always at the top of that list for either the SAHP or the WOHP. Go figure."

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:44am
I think that whatever a woman decides to do is up to that woman. As for myself, I am a wife, a mother, a lover, and an employee. My job as a teacher gives me the opportunity to love children who may not get love at home, as my sons do. I am a wife of a DEPLOYED SOLDIER and not only must I be a support system for my husband, but I must stay strong for my sons and continue our normal routine...without daddy. Many people don't recognize the hardship a military spouse must go through, especially now, whether she is working or staying at home. I enjoy spending time with my children and rejoicing in their everyday discoveries, but as a PERSON a need in me must be fulfilled. I believe that children are going to learn about life and situations based primarily on their evironment. Who am I to say that any woman is less of a GOOD MOTHER if she decides to work OR stay at home? As women we must celebrate the accomplishments of WOMEN. I wasn't raised by my mother and so my great-grandparents raised me. From my mother and great-grandmother I learned an important lesson: "My situation DOES NOT define who I am, i define who I am." My great-grandmother worked and I think that I was raised well. I was the first female in my family to graduate from college with a B.S. degree. I think that to my husband and my sons I am superwoman! I not only take care of them, but I am excited to give back to a society that helped me determine what I wanted to do with my life. I applaud those women who find shear delight in parenting full-time, but I also applaud women like me who choose to work outside of the home and still find happiness in their lives. And to be honest, just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that your children are the brighter shining stars. Many of my students have SAHM and some of them are missing out on many things. I love my husband and my sons deeply and truly they are the ONLY PEOPLE who are affected by my decision to work. Besides, working helps out my family because the military DOES NOT pay what civilians think soldiers are paid. One day I would like to stay home, but until that day I am finding joy in having the best of both worlds....devoting and cherishing quality time to my children AND giving love to those children who do not receive love at home...and believe me there are A LOT of them. So before you look down at a working mom just remember....WE ARE ALL WOMEN TRYING TO FULFILL OUR DUTY OF RAISING LOVING, RESPONSIBLE, and PRODUCTIVE people...no matter how our day is spent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:49am
TRIP! Your heiress comment. What was that all about? Women shouldn't be or women shouldn't plan to be at home unless they already have kids? Not before kids? Not after kids? Not if kids were never in the picture? Do tell your theory on women who don't work and it isn't about being a mother?

I can't find your comment to post next to it so I'm just putting it here at the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 2:49am
I guess then it depends on what you consider "effort". Personally, when I was SAH, I put more "effort" into other SAH responsibilities than just cleaning the house. And those things were very much a part of my "job description". They were the REASONS my husband and I chose to have a SAHParent.

Another interesting thing here. You say that it isn't about give and take. But why not? Do you feel like a SAHParent can't possibly give a WOHParent anything? Do you not understand that parents might switch off who is the WOHParent? Do you not understand that everyone doesn't share your view of what a SAHParents "job description" should be? Do you not understand that everyone doesn't agree with you that being a SAHParent is all about them being lazy at home? About them getting a break? Do you not understand that it is sometimes about what BOTH parents agree is the best way to raise their children?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:26am
And you have completely missed the point of what was being debated. No one said that having one parent at home wasnt *easier*. Cyndi has simply said, over and over, that the sahp contributes *less* to the home than the working parent, that its *unequal* and therefore, in her mind, *less* overall to sah.

dj

P.S. I also have a 12yo, and worked ft from the time she came into my life (she was 6) until my ds was born (2 years later).

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:32am
again, anyone who has a true concept of a partnership in marriage would never refer to themselves as the *giver* and their spouse as the *taker*.


dj


Edited 6/15/2003 4:20:59 AM ET by djknappsak

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

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