Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 11:50am
I know, going to the park may be *fun*, but there have been plenty of times it wasnt really what *I* wanted to do, lol!

Part of the reason dh and I chose to have a sahp was because we wanted to be able to provide certain opportunities for our children-things we wanted to do ourselves, not have provided by a dc center. I consider things like going to the park, zoo, library, museum, as part of their education, and part of my *job*. I mean, if my children were in dc I wouldnt want them sitting at the dc all day every day-why would I set my own standards lower? I'd be quite annoyed if I had my children in dc and they were watching tv all day. Kind of hypocritical to do the same in my own home.

We also wanted more freedom to travel, and its much easier to juggle ONE ft work schedule when planning a trip than 2. We see travel as an inherent part of our children's education as well.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 12:12pm
>>>Spending less time with parents isn't an issue as kids never have needed to spend all their time with us. Spending all day with mom is not superior to spending part of the day in dc and part of the day with mom and dad. What matters is that you have enough time not that you have all the time.<<<

That is YOUR opinion. That is not what ALL parents believe. And in case you think it is all a SAHP belief thing, I will save time by saying it is not what all WOHPs believe. My husband and I chose to have a SAHP because we DO believe that it is important to our children. It might not be important in YOUR opinion, but that really doesn't mean anything in other peoples lives.

>>>Moms working could help in two ways. Dad might not feel so compelled to work long hours if she was home and it reduces the disparity in time spent with the kids between the parents.<<<

Ummm...most people are going to work 40 hours a week, so exactly what about the SAHP working would make the WOHP work less hours?

>>>One thing I like about being a dual working couple is that the time our kids spend with parents is evenly split. There is no primary parent and secondary parent. Our kids just have two parents.<<<

Not everyone is so obsessive about everything being evenly split. It isn't a competition. As far as your kids having two parents, great...so do kids with a SAHP and a WOHP.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 12:19pm
I know, I know, but I couldn't resist. Glad to know I'm not the only one who sees it. It's the less elaborate version. Basically, the same without all the bells and whistles.

P.S. Just a side note to say that I'm so glad to see that you didn't leave for good after that hot topics fiasco. Your posts are on my must read list for their wit and forthrightness and I would have really missed them. Design

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 12:59pm
Um, kids with one parent sah and one woh also have two parents. One may be the primary CAREGIVER, but they are both PARENTS. Since wms contend they are PARENTS even when they are working and somone else is doing the caregiving, doesn't that mean working dads are PARENTS too even if their wives are doing the caregiving?

Of course you're right in theory. The sahm getting a job might allow dad to quit and find something else but you're assuming dad is unhappy with his job/hours. I have no problem admitting that some dads are viewed as just paychecks by lazy, selfish sahms who just plain don't want to work, I just don't see them as the majority and I also don't see them on this board (though the one who wants her dh to start working ot so she can sah kinda bothered me).

There are just too many exceptions here. Dad may love his job. He may be working his way up the ladder because it's what HE wants. He may enjoy the vacation time and job security that his seniority gives him in his current job. His benefits may be outstanding. The market may be glutted with workers in his field. His wife may not be very marketable herself. Dad himself doesn't want the kids in daycare. You seem to think that mom getting a job magically makes all these issues go away.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:12pm
Nothing wrong with the SAHM's I know. They're not pawning off their work onto their dh's either. The ones I know seem to know their dh's are the ones who got the short straw. Personally, I don't know all these non reading moms but statistics do back this up since, as a class, SAHM's are less educated than WM's and there is a direct correlation between moms education level and how much she reads to her kids. Like it or not, there are people out there who consider educating their kids the job of the schools. Apparently, if my dd's kindergarten teacher is right, there are quite a few of them around here. Then again, educated SAHMs aren't the norm here either. Many of the moms I meet at my dd's schools never aspired to anything other than SAH and being taken care of and that's all they prepared for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:37pm
I think mrs lou wants everyone to feel the way she does and there is no way in h*ll that is going to happen and it frustrates her. JMHO I agree with you, I feel sorry for her as well.

<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:50pm
Like I said, must come from the area you live in. Most of the sahps I know (and I know both men and women0 have at least some college and had a career at some point, with many planning to return to said career (or a new one like me) later in life.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:52pm
"Part of this problem is the sheer number of hours mom is with the kids in comparison to dad."

I think that this is only a problem if there is some kind of contest over which parent spends the most time with the child.

If a working mother can completely bond with a child evenings/weekends/holidays etc then why can't a working father with a SAHW do the same. The fact that the child spends more time with the mother does not lessen the bond with the father. The only thing that effects that is the time spent with the father. So while I do agree that the child spending as much time as possible with the father is important I don't think that there is a need to lessen the time with the mother to somehow make it "even".

"I hate situations where one parent is clearly primary and the other clearly secondary."

I agree, but I don't think that is simply a SAH/WOH issue. I have seen many dual working couples where one parent (usuually the mother) is very obviously primary. I have also seen many SAH/WOH situations where there is no clear primary parent. It has much more to do with the dynamics of the family then work status.

"I happen to think that regularly occuring solo time is good for dads and kids."

I agree with that also. My DD's have spent a lot of time alone with their father but I did not have to get a paid job for that to happen.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:53pm
How is it "pawning" Cindy when it is a MUTUAL AGREEMENT? How? That is what is so aggrivating about your POV. Two people make a MUTUAL AGREEMENT and THEY sit down and discuss HOW it is going to be in THEIR lives, they make that decision TOGETHER as an UNITED COUPLE of how their life styles will be. How is that "pawning" work off when it is agreed upon by BOTH (and suggested in the first place by the husband to the wife)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 1:58pm
My DS has regular time alone w/Dad all the time. In fact, since this is "Fathers Day Wknd" we decided Sat/Sun would be pretty much devoted to them having thier own time without Mom. They spent the entire day together yesterday (other than I did join them to go out to eat in honor of Father's Day) and now they are spending their Sun afternoon together. We don't only do this on holidays, heck we don't only even do this on wknds, many times they have evenings during the week just for them.

I also don't feel I"m the "primary" in this house. I put in more hours by virtue that I'm home. But "primary" to me means so much more. My husband doesn't stop parenting because he walks out the door to go to the office any more than I stop parenting while DS is inside the school bldg.

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