Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 2:28pm
Don't forget the move from Nashville to Kentucky ;)

Thanks for your kind words. I'm still pretty peeved that Soup took as long as it did to control the situation; there's simply no excuse for it. But I'm glad the borg is gone :)

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:02pm
Not a contest but when dad spends too little with the kids he becomes secondary to mom when she's there all the time. I don't like the idea of having a secondary parent. I just don't see an advantage in making one parent primary at the expense of the other. IMO, and I've said this before, the one thing you should be trying to equalize is the time spent with kids NOT the housework. That can be hard to do if dad's working a lot of hours and mom SAH. I'd rather both work full time and share parenting than have dh working mega hours to support me at home and him be secondary to me by virtue of a differential in time spent by each of us with the kids. When dads work so much they hardly see their kids, I feel sorry for the kids and I don't feel less sorry for them if mom happens to be at home. Parents are not interchangeable. There is no such thing as transferable frequent parenting miles.

The difference in parenting hours is one of the negatives I see in the SAHM/WD model. Dads are move involved when moms work. If dad is hardly spending any time with the kids, maybe mom needs to get a job.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:12pm
Go for it but you still won't be doing as much as your dh.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:15pm
Not in the relationship. Just in the division of labor around the house. The fact that SAHM's do less than their working dh's means they shouldn't be asking their dh's for help around the house. Status in the relationship is determined my many other things besides who works the hardest. My issue is that the person with the pigs share of the time and the least work to do shouldn't be expecting the other person to help them with the work they have as they are already contributing less to the support of the family as it is. Equality as a person is something different from equality in work.


Edited 6/15/2003 3:42:24 PM ET by cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:35pm
It isn't. Only in CLWs mind. You can't pawn off something that is a mutual agreement or that someone (in this case your husband) says "do". I bet CLW thinks the house wives with maids are pawning off their work but when it is an agreement between the spouses to hire a maid it isn't pawning. When you are paying the maid it isn't pawning. Cindy just doesn't like it that people live this way and it is acceptable in the world, just not hers.

ChefsDozen

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:41pm
My oldest dd cons her sister into doing her work all the time but that doesn't make it right. Getting someone else to do things for you isn't proof that you are deserving of the help. Some dh's help their dw's because they don't want to hear them whine. They're just choosing the lesser of the evils.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:44pm
Crazy thinking. My husband has always been an involved father, just as involved as he would be if I worked. Your theory doesn't stack up for all of us and is only true for some families. You just want to see all women go out and get a job and honey, it ain't gonna happen in the real world. Not to mention you have a great problem showing on this board alone you can't handle the fact there are husbands who want their wives to be happy and actually tell them to go out or laze around and watch soaps. You can't handle that people live this way. You still want to say it is shoving off and being lazy when in fact the husband's don't care and they are the ones saying to do these things. Comprehension is a valuable tool to understanding the different degrees people live their lives and happily outside of the void you live in because you can't imagine.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:49pm
Ok, we get it, you don't understand mutual agreement. When two people who love one another decide how things are going to be in their marriage. You don't understand it. You can't accept it. You still have to take it as a push off or pawn. Or now you are saying the whining woman. Oh waaah, Cindy. We realize you can't handle mutual agreement. Maybe it is because you've never had one. Two married people making an agreement is not conning one another. Mutual respect and agreeing how they will live their lives.

It is very sad Cindy you can't see how mutual agreements and mutual respects can work in other marriages just because you wouldn't have it in yours.

Your postings are getting sillier and more stupid.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:50pm
"When dads work so much they hardly see their kids, I feel sorry for the kids"

Again I agree but just having a SAHW does not create that dynamic. That dynamic is created by the fathers working mega hours, many fathers with spouses who work also work mega hours.

"Not a contest but when dad spends too little with the kids"

Let's compare two parents:

Parent A, WOHM who has parent that also works

Parent B, WOHD with a SAHW

Both work the same exact hours.

Parent A, sees her children in the morning before work, she sees them in the afternoon/evening after work. She sees them on weekends, holidays and vacation days.

Parent B, sees his children in the morning before work, he sees them in the afternoon/evening after work. He sees them on weekends, holidays and vacation days.

Why is Parent B spending too little time with his kids if he is spending the same exact amount as the parent with a WOHP.

"IMO, and I've said this before, the one thing you should be trying to equalize is the time spent with kids NOT the housework."

I agree that in a SAH/WOH situation the WOH parent should not have to come home to housework. But it has nothing to do with trying to equalize the time spent with the kids but to spend as much time as possible with them.

"Dads are move involved when moms work"

Statiscally that is true, but the thing about statistics is in both catagories you will find Dads at both end of the spectrum. You will find SAHM's with very involved Dad's, you will find SAHM with very uninvolved Dads, you will find WOHM's with very involved Dads and WOHM with very uninvolved Dads. Also all of the stats I have seen in the subject the difference has been very minimal, I think less then one hour per week.


You seem to have this scenario that in WOH/SAH families the WOH parent is always working mega hours because they have to because their spouse won't "pull their weight". But that is very often not the case. There are many WOHP with SAHP who are working normal 40 hour weeks and their are many WOHP with WOHP who are working mega hours. Just the fact that one has a SAHP or not does not always effect the work hours.

But I do agree that if it is a situation where the father is forced to work mega hours just so the mother can stay home then that is not a good situation. Most especially if he does not agree with the situation.







Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 3:55pm
I realized you were speaking hypothetically. And yes, I'd rather see parenting time evened out rather than one parent be secondary to the other one by virtue of a time differential. Fortunately, most cases do not involve dad only being home 25% of the time so you can try and even things out. Parenting is the one thing you should be trying to even out. Working for a living shouldn't mean you're relegated to being a second class parent because the other parent is primary. I woudln't do that to dh and I wouldn't want it done to me. IMO, parenting time isn't even part of the debate at hand. You do what you can to even it out, period. It's not interchangeable with housework or working for a living and it's not transferrable between parents. Either you spend time parenting or you don't. One working parent and one SAH does make it challenging but you can sure try. I always have to smile on my way home from work as I see the dads taking their kids for walks, bike rides and to the park. That's what dad should be doing when he gets home, not the vaccuuming!!! The need is for dad to spend time getting to know his kids.

Some things have need to be equal, some things don't. Parenting needs to be equal. I prefer to do all things equal with my dh as there are benefits but one thing I would never settle for being unequal would be parenting.


Edited 6/15/2003 4:24:54 PM ET by cyndiluwho

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