Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:50am
But would it be common courtesy, if say mom made dinner and is still finishing up with the kids (lets say its toddlers who still need a little help), and dad is done eating and goes in to the kitchen, opens the dishwasher, puts *only* his dish in it, closes the dishwasher and ignores any other dishes that might be sitting there? You have implied that him taking the FIVE whole minutes it takes to load a dishwasher will impact his time with his children just DREADFULLY and should just NOT happen.

Common courtesy isnt just about cleaning up one's own messes, its doing something if you see that it needs to be done. I mean, if the trash can is full, should dh just pile more cr@p on it till mom can get to emptying it? Or should he be *courteous* enough to take it out himself?

Seriously. You have said over and over that dad should not have to do ANY of the housework. The sahm should do 100 percent. But dad contributes to the mess too. So how can you have it both ways? How can the sahm not clean up after the wohp, yet the wohp not doing any household chores? Oh, and should the sah with 2 kids under 5 be out mowing the lawn too? Is the outside of the house part of her *duty* to the working spouse? What about oil changes on the car? Those too? Dont want working dad to dirty his widdle paws now.....

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:55am
It's not time but time by comparison. If both parents work and each spends 45 hours a week with the kids, neither is primary over the other. If one works and spends 45 hours a week with the kids and the other 90. One is spending half the time with the kids than the other and is secondary to the other parent. It'a not about attaiing some minimum number of hours but attaining balance. This is compounded by moms not giving up the reigns to dad when he gets home. All too often, mom stays the parent in charge after dad arrives home. So even when he's home he's secondary to mom.

When mom SAH, it's hard for dad to be an equal parent. As part of a DWP team, we don't have this issue. Even when mom works she tends to be the primary parent (due to her tending to take over when she's home which is something we women need to work on). It's that much harder if mom SAH. Honestly, if a parent is going to SAH, it should be dad because women do have a tendency to take over when they're home. If dad's the parent in charge during the day and mom in the evening and weekends, then things are balanced. If mom is the parent in charge all the time and dad only on occaision, which is all too often the case, then there is no balance. Mom is primary and dad secondary. I don't want my kids to have a secondary parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:56am
Nope. You said it was *unequal*. And you said that it was unequal regardless of how much the sahp put in workwise on a daily basis, because they are not *contributing to the household* regardless of what they do around the house.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 6:34am
Um, we're debating the fairness of a SAHM expecting her dh to come home to housework when he's aleady worked all day to support her.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 6:38am
A normal SAHM, yes. There just isn't that much work to running the average household. You can take all day to do it if you want but that doesn't mean you actually did more work. Yes, the WP is doing more in normal cases. Yes there are extenuating circumstances where the SAH is doing equal work to her Working spouse. Heck, as I've said before, stretch things enough and you can get her doing more.

Running a household just does not compare to being a WP. Not by a mile, in most cases. No the aveage SAHM isn't working as hard as her dh. That's why she should be doing the housework instead of expecting him, the one who already works more, to help her, the one who already works less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 6:58am
What is the downfall of kids spending 45 hours a week with one parent and 90 with the other. Will they love or bond more with the one parent? That has not been my experience. In fact that was a big surprise to me, the fact that even though I spent more time with the kids their bond with me is no stronger then with my DH.

I also agree that mothers not giving up the reigns is a problem but again that is not just a SAHM issue but also happens in WOHM familes.

Sure wasn't an issue in our case, after being with them all day some days I was shoving them at him as soon as he walked in the door. LOL.

I understand what you are saying but you are being very black and white, SAHP/WOHP familes are unbalanced, WOHP/WOHP are balanced and that is not the case across the board. It has more to do with the family then the work status. I know that you said that when you work your DH is a more involved father but many fathers with SAHW are just as involved as your DH is. When I was AH, my DH did the bedtime routines (often alone). He took them to some of their doctor appointments, he spent on average about 8 hours a week with them along while I ran errands/had time to myself. He has been the parent they wanted when sick. I did not have to get a paying job to make any of that happen it was able to happen and me be a SAHM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 7:03am
You want to decide fair & unfair for all when you aren't qualified to justify fair or unfair for all. At least is the way it is here in Texas.

Fairness? If two people, grown mature adults, say it is fair the way they handle their household, then wouldn't it be fair for them?

May not seem fair to you.

Avatar for kazoomom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:28am
Jumping in here to say "AMEN!"
Avatar for kazoomom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:32am
Do YOU have the research to support this? I think YOU think this but there are plenty of people who CAN compare them and see them as equal. Where is your data?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:33am
LOL re: child care provider!

I do agree that roles shift. Heck, I was making twice DH's salary when we met, and now he makes more than I do. I just don't feel comfortable with totally lopsided relationships (NOT that you personally or any other poster here has one), whether they are fluid or stagnant.

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