Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 9:49am
Your aunt sounds like a wonderful woman. That example though is an example of extenuating circumstances. That boy, Clay needed a great deal of care.

I am talking about normal circumstances.

As far as the Ford executive if he wanted her home and she was happy there then thats fine . It seems unecessary to have her home as there isnt that much work in running a household. Also as a FORD exec, I would imagine he could afford to hire plenty of help.

Avatar for kazoomom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 9:50am
If she can get a hair cut on her own time, why would his time come first? I never have to consult my dh about how I spend my time. His work hours do not interfere with my plans.

If you were out of town and he had to work, couldn't he make arrangements for the kids?

Avatar for kazoomom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 9:53am
I think there's the underlying statement that money equals more power/control/value in a marriage. Of course, there's no proof of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:08am
No they were not equal. They may have been equally dependent on each other for different things, but that is not equality. Equality is that the Ford executive's wife could have made it on her own financially (since the Ford executive could marry another wife or hire a housekeeper, etc. to take care of the things he depended on his wife to do for him).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:08am
I think it's time and effort taken to support the family. If a woh it putting in roughly 70 hours of time and effort, including work and their share of chores (ie., lawn mowing, repairs, etc), and the sahm is putting in 70 hours of WORK (including housekeeping, shopping, errands, cooking, childcare), then I would say things are equal. I don't see how in anybody's reality that a sahm with cleaning help who spends hours a day at the pool or park is putting in equal time and effort towards supporting the family.

Neither would some lazy slug of a husband who might work 40 hours a week but then park himself in front of the TV when he gets home and expect to be waited on.

I think deep down people know who's doing more of their fair share in pulling their weight around the house. It may me honky dory with a woh husband if his wife has a maid everyday, but you couldn't even get him to admit that his wife is putting forth as much effort to run the household. She's obviously putting in less effort, but if that's OK with him, well, I see it happen all the time. Some men get off on having household help as much as their wives do, if only to keep up with the Joneses and to impress people, but everyone knows how easy the sahm might have it.

I can think of 2 women in particular with live in help. They spend most of the summer at the field club in town. The running joke is that they should have bronzed lounge chairs with their names engraved on a plaque. Even their husbands know how little the wives do, but because they make so much money, they don't really care (one has a seat on the Exchange on Wall Street, the other cashed out of a dotcom for estimates of between 10-20 million in the early 90's). So hey, why not, but those women wouldn't dare pretend that they're too busy to do housework, they know better, and they know they aren't putting in their equal share of effort, but then again, they don't have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:10am
If both partners can bring in roughly the same amount of money, but they choose together to have one work in a lower paying career or SAH, they can still be equal. It's the possibility of equality in all areas (child care, household chores, earning money) that allows for equality.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:13am
I'm talking about a time when the working spouse normally doesn't work, but has to do so unexpectedly. I'm also talking about a situation where one of the spouses has to take care of the kids. So it wouldn't be the non-working spouse's time, it would be time both spouses are normally home with the kids.

Are you saying you don't count on DH ever to be free to be with his children?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:13am
Marriages differ, but from many I've seen, this is ultimately true.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:41am
This really is not a sah/woh issue but one of parenting styles. You acknowledge that in most dual-wohp families, mom becomes the primary caregiver when everyone gets home, and I think you're probably right about that. In that case, to use your terminology, dad is never "primary." At least of mom sah and "gives up the reigns" to dad in the evening, then he is going to be more actively involved than in the first scenario.

Anyway, I agree that having a dad who is not actively involved is a risk when mom sah. In fact, I know a few families who are this way. I also agree that it is less likely to be a problem when it is dad who sah, and I have seen this IRL as well. I am not anti-daycare (have used it myself with positive results), but I think it is ridiculous to suggest that my very young children would be better of if I got a full-time job so that they wouldn't spend too much time with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:44am
That should be "if mom sah and 'gives up the reigns'"

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