Why does some people think women at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Why does some people think women at home
1494
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 1:02am
should do it all? I hear this and think why should a woman at home do every thing? Shouldn't it be whatever works? Shouldn't it be whatever floats the boat of the married couple? Confused on this thinking.

If you are home do you do it all? How does your DH or SO feel?

WOH do you do it all or do you split it? Do you do more or less since you WOH?

IQM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:42pm
I find housework to be HARDER than my job and I only have me and two kids to clean up after. Some of the stuff I have to do around my house (which includes repairs and improvements since I can't afford to hire out most times) are more mentally frustrating (since there is a learning curve for me...I am a wannabe DIY'er but by no means am I good), physically frustrating and take me using my reasoning skills, my common sense, my "gut" instinct. Cleaning and housework are both harder for me than working in this office.

So I respectfully disagree.

And also...I don't see what's the big deal if a person wants to clean up after other adults. Even though I am a single mom of two I still clean my mom's refrigerator faithfully every month (she lives alone mind you) because it helps her out and I enjoy making her life a little easier. If that's what you want to do and it works...why the heck not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:42pm
They are two halves of what together is one family unit. They each need each other's abilities. She could NOT earn anywhere near the money he did, and he chose not to be involved in child care.

DH and I can each do either or both child care and earn a living wage. That's equality. Two independent people, rather than two interdependent people.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 2:59pm
WHERE have you been young lady, and how are the girls?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:07pm
I was actually only speaking for my own circumstances. *I* just would be uncomfortable spending money in that situation. But I don't really spend much money on myself anyway.

But if one person SAH and has no income and the other one is providing all the money - what happens when both want to buy something and there is only enough money to afford one? Who wins? Wouldn't the WOH parent have the upper hand in the discussion simply because he/she is the "owner" of the income? If the SAH parent wins, don't you think there might be a little resentment on the part of the WOH parent?

In our country and culture, the money belongs to the spouse who earned it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:09pm
In a lot of marriages, you would be right. And that's the position I posted earlier today. But I know you're going to get replies that state that THEIR DHs would never exert the upper hand just because they technically earned the money, due to their marital relationship and their DHs' personalities.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:10pm
"A SAHM can't keep a Saturday haircut appt. if her working spouse has to work (unless she gets someone to watch the kids)."

Would not that also be true of a WOHM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:14pm
Yes. But sometimes it's the WOHM interrupting her spouse's plans on Saturday, and sometimes it's vice versa.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:15pm
Mine would. And does. (He earns more than me). My Dad would and did. My Father in law, My grandfather, my uncle. Yeah, well you get the picture.

And it's not just about exerting the upper hand. Even if the DH didn't fight to win the argument by pulling the "it's my money" card, they still are likely to harbor resentment.

Regardless of what people say works in their marriages, the truth is that, in the US at least, the money belongs to the person who makes it. Has been that way since the early 1800's when we switched from an agricultural society to an industrial one. In 1800 the income was counted as "family income" because the family business was run by the entire family, kids included. With the industrial revolution, people went out to work and earned a wage, and the focus of income shifted from family to individual. Of course at this point it didn't matter much because any money a woman made belonged to her husband anyway.

And if the two people divorce, the woman and children will no doubt be forced into a lower status of living, by virtue of the fact that the money was never hers to begin with.

I don't like it, but it is the truth.

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:18pm
I gotcha. But it still sounds like a cut-down.

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Some of us just want to be the ones taking care of our kids. And being taken care of by our husbands is just a by-product of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 3:18pm
I agree totally. And that's why I look at myself and make darn sure my children won't suffer financially if I ever need or want to leave DH. And I have enough money that I can quit any job that forces me to do something immoral or unethical or distasteful enough. Money is power, baby! Not the only or even the highest power in the universe, but it does have power.

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