why I asked which is best

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
why I asked which is best
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:09am
In response to repsonses to another post I made. I asked which is best for the children, and said that I often wondered if the choice was made in their best interest. I also asked which research about the effects on children, did you look at before deciding what you were going to do.The reason why I was even wondering this is because of reading threads in this board. Most responses to a question of why a person decided to work out side the home were along the lines of this:

I had an education I didn't want to waste. (So do I, but I feel that enhances what I can teach in the home, not detracts from it.)

What would I do if I was out of the work force for that long? What kind of job would I get then?

I want to work. I enjoy my job.

I am not trying to reduce the value of any of those reasons by saying this, but never have I seen a post say that someone decided to have both parents work full time because "DC is best for our kids". There are many studies that do show that if possible a parent should be in the home, I posted one in the other thread, and I am sure that you could spend days surfing through more that are out there just on the internet alone, not to mention other sources like books and periodicals. I got this information from printed materials, some internet, and mostly from physcologists that I have worked with. All said that there were more benifits to having a parent in the home, then if that is not possible, one on one care is the next best thing.

I do respect whatever choice is made, and I am sure that a lot of thought goes into it, but what I really wanted to know was if anyone had read research about the diffences made in SAH vs WOH while making thier choice, or not. IMHO, we do have the responsibility to care for the children we bring into the world, if that is staying at home, or finding the best DC possible, it is still up to us to know as much as we can. The kids don't really have a say in the matter, which would be an interesting addition to this debate board if they did post their feelings I think.

So, to the posters who thought I was talking about finding the best day care, and you said that you just used a dart, you missed what I was asking. For all else, I am still interested to know what things you looked at, aside from personal experience, and what you found. Whatever choice we make I feel it is good to have as much knowledge as possible, which is why I came to the board in the first place.


Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 6:23am
You missed the point. Kids don't turn out different based on whether or not they went to dc. Hence it's a neutral choice and the choice is made for other reasons. If this choice were made, solely, on what is best for the children, you couldn't make the choice because neither is best. SAH/WOH, use of dc, not using dc are just different lifestyle choices that mean nothing in the end. Therefore, the choice is made based on other ramifications. No, no one said dc was best because we know it's just one way among many and there is no over all best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:01am
You missed my response. I told you that part of my decision to work came from having a mom who woh and raised 3 great daughters (yes, i'm one of them, LOL!) and a MIL who raised 2 great kids (dh is one of them). And of course, there's the fact that my mom has supported all three of us in our decisions to become wohms.

As for these other reasons:


you bet. i went to 4 years of undergraduate work and then 10 years of night school (one class per semester) while my kids were little. I also knew that if i didn't do that, then i would have had to go back to school before teaching to make up the new course requirements.


Ask my best friend who was a sahm for 7 years. She's not able to get back into teaching because she needs to take major college coursework before she can even begin -- and she can't afford those classes now.

She is working in her town hall (and yes, i think for the most part that she enjoys her job), but she's making less than $30K per year with little room for any significant salary increases. This has been a major issue because she will probably leave her dh sometime within the next 5 years and the money she makes will not go far in supporting her and her daughter.

By staying in my teaching career, i make 2-3 times that amount - and that is what enables me to have good, quality childcare.


the one study you posted was a notoriously anti-daycare, sah is the right way, site. What would you expect them to say, LOL? Interestingly, I tried surfing the site and trying to find out WHO the site was sponsored by, but the best i could come up with is that it was just put together by one individual person. Please feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.

Again, please post the STUDIES that show that parents should be home -- and do you want to be the one that tells my mom that she raised us wrong? I think she'd be mightily surprised because she seems to think that she's raised 3 great daughters who have given her 6 super grandchildren. You might also want to tell her that HER mom (my grandma) was also wrong for working.


there is no research that says definitively that one way is better than another.

<< For all else, I am still interested to know what things you looked at, aside from personal experience, and what you found. >>

Again, i could NOT discount personal experience because it was one of the top factors leading to my decision.


Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:04am
Again, without sounding to harsh, the children are not the only people in the family to consider. All family members are important. So, while dc may or may not be good for kids, surely it does no harm. And if both parents working is best for the family, and dc does no harm (dozens of studies show this) then what's the problem?


Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:13am
I see. You didn't get the answers you wanted, so you have to post another thread to chastise us all?

Did it not occur to you that you didn't get the answers you were looking for because the implication that we, as parents, behave willy-nilly without regard to our children's best interests is not a notion worth adressing?

Why should anyone say that daycare is best for their kids? I don't think it is. I don't think SAH is best, either. I think they are both perfectly valid choices. Honestly, if one believed daycare was best for their child, they wouldn't have to work to give themselves an excuse to send their child to one. Don't plenty of SAHPs send their children to preschool or mother's day out programs?

Your question doesn't seem to be about working, but about daycare. WOH doesn't automatically mean daycare - my dd didn't go to daycare until she was three, and my ds didn't start daycare until he was one. There are a couple of working moms posting here whose children were never in daycare at all.

As for finding a daycare, when the time came for my dd to go to one, I let her choose. I looked at a bunch, narrowed it down to a couple, and let her pick. She chose the one that had the cool fisher price workbench in the playard. It was an excellent choice - so much so, that my ds now goes there, eight years later.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:33am
Nope, didn't miss the point at all. Seems you did. (nt)
Avatar for murfee628
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 9:19am
Kids' input would be helpful? Did you know what was in your best interest when you were a minor? Kids cannot be allowed to "steer the ship", it's up to the captain and the firstmate. On other minor issues, the kids' input would be welcome and helpful, not the one of which you speak.

               Murfee        &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 9:22am
It seems to me that your question, both here and in the other thread, is VERY loaded. You know that no one is going to say anything like "the only reason I work is because daycare is best for my kids." As someone else posted, you don't have to work to put your kids in daycare, most of the SAH moms I know use some form of it.

What people are saying are variations of "I work because I have to/ want to/ love my job and in the end, THAT is best for my kids." Because I work (and my husband does, too) I need some form of childcare. It seems like you are asking anyone if they put the cart before the horse, as in "I wanted to put my kids in daycare, so I got a job." Of course, no one is saying this, because it is ridiculous. But it seems like you are interpreting the fact no one is saying this to mean that no one is considering what is best for the children--which is insulting.

I do love my job, and my husband loves his, but if we thought that daycare was harmful to our child, one of us would quit, or go part-time, and we would sell our home and live in a rental like we did when we were in graduate school. To me, what you are implying is that no one could possibly be thinking of what is in the best interests of the child and still have 2 parents WOH. If this is not what lies beneath your question--then please, explain.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 9:23am
Jenn, excellent post. Very well written.


<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

Avatar for biancamami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 10:43am
You were the one who missed the point. Why? Because you are asking a question BASED on the ASSUMPTION that all of us think that a SAHP is the most "ideal" situation for all children. You also back that up with references to "psychological reports" that you say prove your point....reports which you fail to produce. And you back it up with a daycare study we have ALL read and which you completely simplify and misrepresent.

What we were trying to point out to you is that your basic premise that a SAH parent is the "best" for ALL children is false...maybe its the best for YOUR child but there is no real, concrete evidence in the HISTORY of child development to back up your claim.

Therefore, we can't discuss how we came about the "difficult" decision to place our children in an "inferior" care environment if we don't even agree with you that A. the decision was difficult or B. any environment that doesn't fit the SAH model is inferior

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 10:47am
Because having a SAHP isnt essential to raising a child. Good Parenting and love are essential. My mom was a WOHM and it didnt have any negative effects.