Will my child remember that I was a SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Will my child remember that I was a SAHM
3712
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:47pm

It struck me today that she might not.


I was sure I was doing the best thing for my children by staying home with them (two daughters-3 years old, and 4 months old). As I was talking to a dear aunt of mine (whose daughter is a working mother, since her infant was 12 weeks old), I felt my defensive bristles go up.


She went on and on about how "If she could do it all over again....she wouldn't have stayed home....." Then she told me a story in which her ds said to her, "mom, did you stay at home with us, or did you drop us off at daycare?" She almost died when he asked her that, because she stayed at home with her ds and dd until he entered kindergarten. Granted, many kindergartners haven't formed lasting memories by that age yet...but still. It got me thinking; is this ALL WORTH IT?


She was using it in her argument against staying at home. I have a Masters Degree in Counseling that I am not using. My career lies dormant at this time. We don't have cable, newspaper service, vacations, frills of any kind, new cars, etc. because of our money situation. We are middle-class and have sacrificed SO MUCH...only for me to hear from my aunt that..."her daughter needs to work to maintain their lifestyle." Yeah, driving a Volvo, she probably does....


I just need to hear from some of you who frequent this board and have solid opinions one way or the other on this topic.


Andrea

Two Delicious Daughters Call Me "Mommy!"


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:37am

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And by the grace of God, neither your parents nor your spouse's parents will ever suffer debilitating mental disease, such as various forms dementia or Alzheimers that manifest with outbursts of rage and violence, as the father of a friend of mine suffered. She, too, believed "it's not for me" wrt to the idea of a nursing home. Until she came home from work to find her father had beaten her mother unconscious--a man who had never lifted a hand to anyone--a man reknowned among friends and family for his gentleness.

Why had he beaten her mother? Because he thought everyone was trying to steal his money (that he didn't have).

It's not at all unheard of for dementia and Alzheimers to manifest with episodes of rage and many is the adult child who has had to make the frightfully difficult decision between an enraged, mentally ill parent and the safety of the other parent or the children in the household.

It's grossly unfair to them to make statements like yours, as if the only difference between you and them is you care more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:43am

LOL! Most of the time, I love those things! They're so unintentionally funny; I laugh and laugh when I get one! Last year, though, I got my comeuppance for all that merriment at the expense of the copier, when a young relative sent one that described--in DETAIL--her birth experience. Right up to and INCLUDING stripping the membranes.

(MENTAL NOTE: don't read those at lunch time this year ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:48am

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Hear, hear!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 3:34am
Aww, we are still all sad inside that we only ever got one of those. It was from the wife of dh's cousin, but then they divorced so no more Christmas flyer. We got it 7-8 years ago and we still remember it fondly every so often, and the memory of it never fails to make us howl with laughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 5:53am
They're great, aren't they? I can't believe people don't enjoy them more ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:07am

when i got remarried last summer I got one more dd (dh has sole custody of her), so now my count, while not quite as impressive;) is up to 4 total kids here.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:11am

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of course, if you're totally against things like "save the date", you might find it hard to imagine any sort of upside to it. However, that does not mean that it doesn't exist.

As for me, NO, I can imagine no downside to it at all. No ego involved (other than being deliriously happy, LOL!). No trying to make the receiver feel conflicted or insulted or upset. Just a notification. Period.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:32am

"Well, then in making the whole family the way you believe it should be, then aren't you raising more happy healthy kids??? You can work around it all you want, but in the end everything that you are saying has a direct effect on your children."

If you add the quaifier, *for *my* family* then I agree. However, in a slightly different set of circumstances, my children would be happier healthier children if DH and I were dual wohps. IME, the devil is in the details. Each family has a different set of personalities, experiences, opportunities, familial obligations, career demands, incomes - ALL of which impact the decision to sah/woh/ptsah/ptwoh/wahm/ptwahm and impact the choice of othercare (relative, home care provider, m/nanny, daycare center (Montesorri, tradtional, Jefferson?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:35am
I've acknowledged in previous posts that there might very well be an upside, for instance, to let someone far away know well in advance. Not that the same thing couldn't be accomplished in a more personal way through a phone call or even a letter. But the problem is that the potential downside wouldn't be worth it. These things are to satisfy some need on the part of the sender, much more than to make life easier for the recipient, which is the opposite of what etiquette is all about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 7:36am
Bravo! Until one walks in another's shoes.......

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