WOH and sleeping issues
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WOH and sleeping issues
| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:34am |
We were at a dinner party last night at the home of one of dh's coworkers. They have 2 boys, 6 and 4. They have a bunch of sleeping issues (kids 'scared' at night, won't fall asleep in their own bed, won't go to bed without mom or dad cuddling them, etc.) The mom blames herself because since she works all day and misses them so much she tends to cuddle with them late at night and they fall asleep in a pile on the bed all together. She said that if she SAH, they wouldn't have the same issues.
I sah. For us, bed time is a rigid, welcome respite at the end of the day. Dh has no desire to keep them up either, lol.

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You are apparently operating under several mistaken impressions:
1. That she suggested that anyone do nothing about sleep deprivation.
2. That law students or lawyers have to pull all nighters more than other people. (Spare me.)
3. That being even extremely tired is an excuse for inappropriate behavior.
4. That SAHPs of multiple young children either have more opportunity to sleep than WOHPs, or that it's easier or more important to to treat several irrational small people properly than rational or nonrational large ones.
5. Furthermore, insofar as her "'advice' or criticisms are baseless" because she has "no idea" because she doesn't "have an employer and colleagues to answer to everyday nor responsible for delivering work worthy of a paycheck," so are your observations.
My dh would not be a happy camper if I *didnt* call him. He also feels that these are his children too, and I have a responsibility to call him if something happens-and I expect the same from him.
Heck, when my brother was very sick in Africa a few years back (subsequently almost dying of blood poisoning), when I received the initial call at 4am from him, the FIRST thing I did when I got off the phone was call our father. Yeah, it was 4am and there wasnt anything ANY of us could do. But I felt that it was my responsibility to immediately call the rest of the family when I found out my brother was in trouble.
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
I agree that it is a good idea to acknowledge sleep deprivation and discuss honestly with one another.
I did not offer "Suck it up!" as a solution. I said I wanted to say that to her. I never suggested sweeping anything under the rug. No, my solution was that instead of concentrating so mightily on making sure one gets the exact amount and quality of sleep no matter what, it might make more sense to try to develop coping skills for the results of sleep deprivation for when it does happen. That IS a solution. Instead of trying to always control the part of the equation that makes sure she never gets sleep deprived (and thus affects her parenting and perhaps her parenting style,) I'm saying have a strategy, work up a plan to effectively deal with the occasional aftermath of not getting the perfect amount and quality of sleep. It seems much more realistic AND it has the added advantage of accomodating a wider variety of parenting options.
"Do you really have to tell a woman who attended law school and then worked in a private corporate law firm what sleep deprivation is?" I don't really care what it is you are saying here. (Would you prefer this board to be a "lawyers only" board? Or is there room for people with slightly different backgrounds? Have you even read the thread up until here?) PJM pretty much insinuated that I have an unusual response to getting very little sleep, that I have not suffered under the effects of sleep deprivation. I don't care if she has swam the English Channel or flown to the moon and back, really. I am trying to say that being pregnant four times within six years, being the mother to four infants (and toddlers and preschoolers) with a wide variety of nightime needs, regardless of my philosophy of night-time parenting, I am no stranger to losing sleep. I don't live out in the guesthouse, you know?
You had a problem, you found a solution. That's powerful. I don't really have a problem, per se, unless it is lacking an abundance of compassion for the completely inflexible parenting being done by other people. I kind of knew going in to it that having four children close together, wanting to be the kind of parent I wanted to be, that I was in for some kind of journey. I have never assumed that my parenting life would be a series of problems and solutions. I'm trying to create a family here, not developing a Natural Law party platform.
"And there's just no way sleep deprivation to a sahm means half of what it means to a wohp. There's just no comparison. For you to tell her to just suck it up even if you had 10 children would be pointless. Your "advice" or criticisms are baseless. You have no idea. You don't have an employer and colleagues to answer to everyday nor are you responsible for delivering work worthy of a paycheck."
This is tough to respond to because it makes me think you have yet to gain any sort of validation for your SAH. I don't have an employer nor colleagues to answer to everyday. I have four children to keep safe and healthy and to nurture. I happen to value my work. If you don't (value my work or your own), that's too bad. I have something at stake that I consider at least as important as "work worthy of a paycheck." But since I cannot translate my work into a monetary figure nor can I sell my final product, I will have to just ignore society's obsession with measuring everything by financial value. I'm the one who ends up having to suck it up.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
<<1. That she suggested that anyone do nothing about sleep deprivation.>> On the contrary, I don't like SZM's suggestion that parents stifle their thoughts on the toll sleep deprivation can take. I'm glad for friends and family who confided in me the difficulties of forcing a premature transition out of the family bed, the stresses on a marriage and family that CAN accompany co-sleeping, the horror stories of forcing CIO on an older child, etc. I'm glad that PNJ is discussing this topic openly.
This subject in a dialogue like this and in a forum like this is not a bad idea or something to be discouraged.
<<2. That law students or lawyers have to pull all nighters more than other people. (Spare me.)>> That was not the implication. I guess I wasn't clear. Law students like engineering students like practically every parent out there is EQUALLY aware of the toll sleep deprivation cna take. No one needs to even discuss the definition.
And certainly no one need brandish the I-have-more-children-so-I-know-better badge.
<<3. That being even extremely tired is an excuse for inappropriate behavior.>> I haven't read examples of inappropriate behavior by anybody in this thread.
<<4. That SAHPs of multiple young children either have more opportunity to sleep than WOHPs, or that it's easier or more important to to treat several irrational small people properly than rational or nonrational large ones.>>
Sahps do have the opportunity to "sleep when the baby sleeps" - I still can when I'm home with just my youngest two. It makes all the difference. I'm not sure what you mean about the rational/irrational thing. When I was sleep deprived, then we might not go to the playground that day and I could turn on the tv without any repercussions. (I don't think an hour or 2 of tv is harmful or even tantamount to screwing up at work, for instance.) But, a wohp cannot zone out for two hours like that, without any repercussions.
<<5. Furthermore, insofar as her "'advice' or criticisms are baseless" because she has "no idea" because she doesn't "have an employer and colleagues to answer to everyday nor responsible for delivering work worthy of a paycheck," so are your observations.>>
I disagree. Working and raising kids is more difficult IMO than sah. I can't imagine how much harder it is when you add sleep deprivation to the mix.
Fair enough. When I was going through this with my kids, this topic was all I wanted to discuss with other new moms. I was glad for the many parents in my otherwise uptight, conservative little town who confided in me the difficulties of getting a child to sleep through the night and the toll sleep deprivation took on them.
I can't imagine what I'd have done if told by everybody to just suck it up. I'd probably today be a miserable, cosleeping mom with 3 children still in my bed and a husband sleeping down the hall. Rather, I'm glad so many people ~ strangers ~ recommended Ferber to me. I barely knew the Mayor of my town, but even he (on seeing me very pregnant) wouldn't let me leave his office until I understood the basics of Ferber. And I had gone to see him about a housing issue!
Anyway, there was a time I couldn't get enough of open and honest discussion of this subject and I'm glad PNJ confides things which she must know will put her in line for the criticisms of you, Dogma, mom writer, and of course CYducksmom.
Perhaps the severity of the illness and the duration of the absence are also important in the decision whether or not to tell.
DH was in Australia for work when I had a positive pregnancy test. I wanted to wait to tell him face to face when he came home, though I didn't know when that would be.
About three weeks later, I had an early miscarriage. I didn't tell DH until he got home from Australia one or two weeks after that. To me, an early miscarriage was very common, though certainly not welcome at my age and in my desperation to get pregnant.
I know your husband was in Bosnia a lot longer, and your miscarriage warranted medical intervention. But, ours is an example that people just handle things differently. Perhaps yours is the better way or yours is the better marriage. That just might be. I only know my way and that this is how I function in my marriage, which I think is a healthy marriage too.
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