WOH and sleeping issues
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WOH and sleeping issues
| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:34am |
We were at a dinner party last night at the home of one of dh's coworkers. They have 2 boys, 6 and 4. They have a bunch of sleeping issues (kids 'scared' at night, won't fall asleep in their own bed, won't go to bed without mom or dad cuddling them, etc.) The mom blames herself because since she works all day and misses them so much she tends to cuddle with them late at night and they fall asleep in a pile on the bed all together. She said that if she SAH, they wouldn't have the same issues.
I sah. For us, bed time is a rigid, welcome respite at the end of the day. Dh has no desire to keep them up either, lol.

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I've been resisting because I feel like a loser. My sil (yet another one) and I were talking about 'feeling like a loser' yesterday. She did dc all year for another sil (with a 3 year old and an infant) and just told her that she had to quit. Between her own 3 kids and the dc job it was just too much for her. But it was killing her to admit that it was 'too much'. Just like getting a babysitter or dc or something would be a huge admission of failure for me. I'm a sahm! I have it all! It's the dream! Do you know (maybe you do) how often I hear this IRL from dh's co-workers or my mom's friends or my relatives or other mom's club women? I swear, I come to this board to maintain my mental balance, because women here at least recognize that sah might not be a dream for every mother.
So, yeah, I don't want to complain but I have just come to terms with the reality of how much alone time and down time I really need to feel refreshed. When I think back to my younger self it's no wonder that I am this way. I remember getting sooooo excited when I knew I could be totally alone in the house after school or getting completely annoyed when various room mates stayed home when I thought they were going out. Dh is the opposite. As one of 8 he actually gets a little freaked out if he is alone for extended periods of time. So he can't understand my need for total alone-ness.
Thanks. Yesterday was a rough day, dh will be home now for the holiday and I am leaving for my run in a couple of minutes. A nice run always, always makes a big difference.
Meldi
I'm thinking. I guess at the time of the conversation I was so totally frusturated that I just couldn't believe that yet another woman said that she wished her babies were babies again. So I started feeling like "Good grief, it gets worse and worse rather than better and better?" Why do all these women wish their children were babies again? Why do I hear that all the time? It must be true!
See, I guess that I am sort of a universal-truth sort of person. I am always thinking that if the majority feels one way, then that must be the 'right' way and I am missing something if I don't feel the same. Must be something wrong with me if I don't feel the same. So when my mom said that to me, I could think, well maybe that's partially the reason. And since I am not older and I don't have grown children yet maybe I will feel the same when I do. I mean, what
Second-guessing and self-doubt make everything harder, not just parenting. I am a second-guesser myself.
For what it's worth, my SIL was, in my humble opinion, a really lousy parent of babies. I used to wonder why she had kids, honestly, because she never seemed to want to be around them. And then, when her kids were about six, she became somebody whose parenting I admired. By the time her kids were teens, she became someone who I wanted to follow around and learn everything I could from.
I am a terrific parent of babies, toddlers, and 3 year olds. A lousy parent of four year olds. A pretty good parent of 5 to 11 year olds, so far anyway. I'm finding 12 and 13 kinda rough. I don't wish my kids were babies again, but I liked the baby stage. I am enjoying my 9 year old to no end. He is a hoot. My 13 year old is a delight IF there is no responsibility for him involved. Right now anything you ask him to do (say, study for finals, clean glass tables in living room because said 13 y/o's dog slobbered on them) is an imposition. A completely unreasonable imposition. Maybe even something that will ruin his life forever and I just don't understand. And all adults are alike and support each other and that's how come kids are oppressed. But nobody listens to kids anyway, so why am I talking to you? I'm done.
I didn't say (and I don't think) it was hugely offensive. But considerably more so IME than for someone to say to you, wow, I really miss having a 2YO. And I find it peculiar that you take comfort in things people say that you aren't even sure they themselves believe.
Yes, I do think confidence really helps in dealing with the small fry. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that whatever doubts you have about your parenting, your kids do not share them. No matter what you do, your kids think that you are right, and it's going to remain that way for a long time. (And then, of course, once they are teens or so, they are going to think that no matter what you do, you are wrong, so you may as well take as much comfort in your perceived perfection as you can right now. ;-) )
I personally think childrearing neither gets steadily worse and worse nor better and better. It changes, a LOT, and phases repeat, a LOT, with age-appropriate variations. I did really happen to like age 2 with DS - he made me about need to bust a gut on a regular basis, he was not a particularly obstinate 2YO, and when he was, I could always pick him up and cart him off to his room. Some parts of 6 I could live without - some of his manners, especially table manners, went right out the window once he was devoting so much more of his time and attention to his classmates than to adults, his challenges to authority were a lot more pointed and a lot less flat out funny than they were when he was a toddler, and my size advantage nearly disappeared. Then suddenly, he changed again, and is now very much a kid who listens to reason, tries his best, and is incredibly sweet and considerate. Lapses in behavior are a lot less frequent with an older kid than a younger one, but a lot more startling and awkward when they do occur - it wouldn't mortify many people if a two year old threw a tantrum, for instance, but when a 7 YO has a fit over something small, yikes. When you can expect more of them, they have further to fall, I guess. But they really can participate in a lot more with you, and when they choose to be really sweet or go beyond what you would expect in some way, it's a really, really beautiful thing.
Better stop. Wouldn't want to wax poetic, LOL.
Edited to remove typo.
Edited 5/28/2005 1:33 pm ET ET by dogma_2
I'm still not sure what she feels like she is missing either, even though I asked and she did answer. I know Felicia doesnt get the uninterrupted time she wants with her dh, but that could be somewhat remedied by a standing Saturday night date/sitter I would think. I know she isnt comfortable traveling with her children, so maybe travel is part of it? But to me, not traveling with ones children is a choice-not an absolute by any means. So I'm not quite getting that either. Going out to bars and nightclubs? Sleeping till noon on Saturday? I just cant imagine a 40 yo being too caught up in any of those ideas-if she were still in her 20's maybe. Or if she'd had her children very young and felt like she *missed out* on the 20 something single life. But neither of those things are true so I just dont know.
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
There's a huge semantical difference in thinking that it's sad someone is unhappy and labeling HER (entire person) as sad. DJ did NOT label Felicia *as* sad; DJ expressed sadness over her belief that Felicia is unhappy.
So...yeah...your comments there are awfully far afield.
Karen
"A pocketknife is like a melody;sharp in some places,
flat in others,
and really annoying when it's stuck in your head."
Karen
"A pocketknife is like a melody;sharp in some places,
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