WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?
1456
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:06am

Okay, let's debate something else. One morning a few months ago, I was crabby to DH about having to get ready for work. DH said, "Well, if you don't want to go to work, quit!"

Later that day, I told him I was just venting, and then I told him some of the reasons I really do like WOH. One reason was something to the effect that I wanted to WOH as part of at-home feminism for our DD's. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I thought about it some and decided that although this is a heartfelt idea for me, it's still fuzzy. I suppose I meant that I want to show my DDs how to live independently of a man, in the sense of income, ability to make one's way in the world, and so on, even if they choose marriage & kids. My feelings of pride in my own mom, who was a WOH mom, come into it, too.

Caution: I don't mean in any way to suggest anything the least bit negative about SAH moms. That's not what this is about. Nor do I mean to suggest that anyone has to WOH to teach their kids feminist or gender neutral values. That's not what this is about, either.

Do you think there's any value in WOH as part of raising kids? Please help me clarify my thinking.

Sabina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:22pm
No, it doesn't. Only if the daughter somehow gets a realistic idea of the cost of living and what it takes to meet those costs independently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:24pm
No. WOH would not have prevented that trauma. As a couple, this couple obvioulsy lived well beyond their means (horses???!!!). Had she been WOHFT, their means would have been greater and- considering how she described their life- their spending would ALSO have been greater and she still would have taken a tumble. Anybody who buys horses on that income would have taken her own salary and used it to buy even more horses, or fabulous vacations or something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:30pm
Yes. I wonder whether some of these posters have ever really been up against it. I so much want my kids to avoid that fate if possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:38pm

Ah, but *anyone* has the capacity to become educated and put together a resume and present themselves appropriately. If one has a college education in *any* field, regardless of how long one has been out of the workforce, one *can* get a proper job. Interestingly enough, more and more companies are actively seeking out Moms (wohm's *and* sahms with the interest to woh). Skills/experience are important, yes, but as most companies prefer to train their employees to their *specific* preferences, they are not the only important factors. :)

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:42pm

Are you afraid your daughters will be just like them? That would only be possible with your co-operation. It is only possible to never ever hold a job by going straight from parents' home to obliging spouse's home with nothing in between. All you have to do to prevent that is say "bye" and tell your dd's to move out when they are adults.

Your MIL (a SAHM) raised your SIL (also never had a job). The only way this was possible was if your SIL either still lives at home or married straight from home. In either case, her joblessness had to have been sanctioned by your in-laws. My mom (also a SAHM) and dad never gave me the impression that living at home till marriage was a desirable thing to do- nor did they offer their home should I want to do it (I didn't). So although my mom was a SAHM, I was self-sufficient. The difference between my mom and your MIL was NOT!!! job status (they were both SAHMs). The difference was in the willingness to have adult children living at home. This is why I keep insisting that it will not be your job that teaches your dd's self-sufficiency- it will be your refusal to have them live at home till marriage, thus forcing them to support themselves in an apartment. As long as you refuse to support an adult till she gets marriied, she WILL be self-sufficient out of necessity, regardless of your work status. Your job doesn't teach her to have a job. HER RENT!! teaches her to have a job.

All you need to do to have independent dd's is to say "bye". Your job DOESN'T MATTER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:44pm
It's not my fault. Some posters want to play semantics, and it's confusing. As in the difference between "WOH" and "WOH in itself". It becomes very abstract. I mean, they're complaining about technicalities here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:46pm
I'll drink to that! (Is that okay to say on iVillage?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:48pm

Here is how you keep your kids from avoiding that fate. You say "bye" when they are adults. You don't let them live at home. They will be self-sufficient out of necessity. Your own personal job is irrelevent to this. They will learn how to be self-sufficient by BEING self sufficient and the way you teach this is by kicking the little birdies out of the nest when they are adults. Because that is how they learn to fly. Not by watching mom. Kicking them out of the nest ALSO teaches them how to live within their means so that when they are married they won't suddenly think that 128k$ should support horses, too.

Don't focus on YOUR job.. Focus on THEIR job. By making sure they move away from home as soon as possible. By encouraging college. By not subsidizing a twixter lifestyle. That's all you have to do. And you don't need a job to do it (my own mom didn't.) But I assume you are holding your own job for reasons OTHER than teaching your dd's how to hold a job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:54pm

And one can still make a comfortable living on $37,000/yr.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:55pm
thats what i was thinking too. so what? i cant depend on my stbxh to pay the mtg for me every month forever, so i plan to sell the house when kenneth graduates, and our sep. papers say he will do it for five years. i dont want to depend on him even if it means i have to live in a little house. my house is way too big for just me anyway. our gas heating bill last month was $240!!!! i almost $hit when i saw it. there is no way to shut off much of the house because it is so open. i just dont care that much about materialistic things. we come in with nothing and are going out with nothing, and ive had the big house, yadah, yadah. i dont want it anymore. a little bunglow near the shore would do me just fine.

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