WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?
1456
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:06am

Okay, let's debate something else. One morning a few months ago, I was crabby to DH about having to get ready for work. DH said, "Well, if you don't want to go to work, quit!"

Later that day, I told him I was just venting, and then I told him some of the reasons I really do like WOH. One reason was something to the effect that I wanted to WOH as part of at-home feminism for our DD's. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I thought about it some and decided that although this is a heartfelt idea for me, it's still fuzzy. I suppose I meant that I want to show my DDs how to live independently of a man, in the sense of income, ability to make one's way in the world, and so on, even if they choose marriage & kids. My feelings of pride in my own mom, who was a WOH mom, come into it, too.

Caution: I don't mean in any way to suggest anything the least bit negative about SAH moms. That's not what this is about. Nor do I mean to suggest that anyone has to WOH to teach their kids feminist or gender neutral values. That's not what this is about, either.

Do you think there's any value in WOH as part of raising kids? Please help me clarify my thinking.

Sabina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:59pm
No. im looking forward to it. dont get me wrong. i love my home, but its way to big for just me and even if kenneth stays with me, its rediculous to have all this room. too much to keep up with. my house now is 2400 sq ft. my parents have a three bedroom 1800sq ft home and it would be perfect for me. this big house was great when there were five of us, but we are down to two, and soon one, and its just too much. i want to live in a little cheap condo and travel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:59pm
Not in the Boston area, you can't. No way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:00pm
nt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:07pm
but, but, but what about when you get married and move out? my parents bought their first home when i was a year old, and they moved to another when i was 7. although i didnt want a new house, it wasnt traumatic. then when i married they were still in that house until about four years ago. its kinda weird to go by the house and know its not "mine" anymore, but not traumatic. i guess i just dont get attached to homes that much. the one i live in now is the one that has been my favorite in my life actually, but im going to sell it after kenneth graduates, and thats ok. i look forward to my future in a "different" house. i guess because i like change, its just no biggy to me. and nc isnt my home anyway, so here to me a house is a house. i feel like im just on a very long vacation, and will go home someday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:11pm

Well, how can you be so sure my job doesn't matter? It matters to me. And my girls have told me they're proud of me that I WOH and juggle a lot of things. They see themselves as having good educations and big jobs when they grow up. So, I'm happy about that. I was just wondering with my OP whether other WOHMs have had a similar experience. They can do what they want when they grow up. If they want to marry someone and live off them, that's their business. But I hope they'll be ready for whatever.

Btw, my MIL and my SIL are not related. They're from different sides of the family. Both of them married right out of college into rather cushy situations and had bunches of kids.

One of my many sisters worked for years before marriage. She worked as a medical receptionist. The pay was lousy. Then she SAH for a number of years. When she was divorced, she was very poor. She resumed WOH, but with two kids and minimal child support. It was hard for her, and it still is.

Maybe if my poor mother had helped her when she was younger to think of herself as someone who could work and live independently, she would have set her sights a little higher before it was too late. My mom kicked her right out of the house after high school. So she was independent. That wasn't the problem.

Maybe it would help if you didn't argue in such absolute terms. My OP was pretty modest: can a WOHM help her kids learn financial independence? That's all. You don't have to agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:15pm
Yes, I work for a number of reasons. And, to repeat, I understand that I don't *need* a job to teach my children independence. I'm just trying to because it's what seems to work for me. Maybe you should re-read my OP. It's not about need, have to, should, must, or anything like that. It's about ONE WAY OF DOING THINGS. If you don't approve, that's okay, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:18pm
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:20pm
<> Thank you. That's all I was really saying with my OP. Such a fuss over not very much! But it's still fun (LOL)!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:21pm

Regardless of whether the mother was a wohm or sahm, the death of an income generating spouse is going to tend to create a major difference of income. Even if this woman was making 110,000/yr like her DH while woh, she still lost that 110,000/yr when he died. I do agree that a woman should manage her affairs so that she doesn't have to uproot the family in a situation like that, but as others have said, she couldn't have been a very good manager of her finances if she couldn't do that with her DH's insurance policy. As a sahm, I have enough by way of insurance, savings and investments that I can go back to college to finish up my requirements for the career of my choice, maintain our standard of living and keep the house. (Which will be paid off before the kids hit middle school.) How? By having made good financial choices, avoiding unnecessary debt like the plague, and planning for the possibility. Point being- one doesn't have to be a WOHM to be prepared and able to deal financially with the reality of such a tragic situation.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:25pm
As to your first question, "horses" can be had on MUCH less salary than that pretty easily if you live rurally and aren't owning thoroughbreds. (The mortgage situation does make it sound like they sprung for polo ponies for the club, though.)

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